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Original poster

Help me let go of my things...

19 replies

BrandyMyLove · 28/03/2019 07:48

I know I've posted a few times recently, I'm just not getting a big response and am in need of emotional help

I left my EA ex. He's changed the locks on our jointly owned property, destroyed photographs, got rid of my hard drive with all my photos, my laptop, my work laptop and communications which are costly and I'll be in trouble for now. I can't prove he's got rid of these so I guess I have to suck it up.

How do I let go of losing 10-12 years worth of photos? I had them backed up but he's got rid of my laptop and my hard drive.

I'm gutted.

OP posts:
buzzbobbly · 28/03/2019 07:58

If they are gone, they are gone. Only time will really heal the loss of anything you value.

If they still exist then there are ways Police accompaniment etc) to get them back.

If he has destroyed items which belonged to your work, then tell them that and pass the blame for the criminal damage onto him and the Police. Don't sit back and meekly accept the rap for that, at least.

Original poster
BrandyMyLove · 28/03/2019 08:06

@buzzbobbly I looked high and low for them. He's got rid so no use me going back to get them. I'll report to 101 but they won't do anything without proof. It's my word against his sadly.

I'm scared of him. He's being so cruel to me.

OP posts:
Reallyevilmuffin · 28/03/2019 08:10

Any cloud backups that were running perhaps? iCloud? Onedrive

buzzbobbly · 28/03/2019 08:11

I'll report to 101 but they won't do anything without proof.

Have they told you this or are you just assuming?

Without calling them to ask if they can help a victim of domestic abuse to regain her possessions, how will you know? (It is unfortunately not uncommon)

I know you are scared. But he is the criminal here, and you are the victim. There is support and help for victims. Be brave one more time. Make the call, or even better, pop into your local station if you have one.

Original poster
BrandyMyLove · 28/03/2019 08:17

@Reallyevilmuffin nothing like that. I thought having them on a laptop and a hard drive in two places in the house would be enough. Clearly wasn't. Beating myself up a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrandyMyLove · 28/03/2019 08:18

Thanks buzz - we live in different counties now so I would likely have to pop in to his local station. I think I'll give them a call and see what they say...

OP posts:
Butwhhhyyyyyyy · 28/03/2019 08:25

If your both named on the mortgage or deeds on the house he can not change the blocks, you have every right to take a locksmith and let yourself in to get anything you need. I was told this a couple of years ago.

Original poster
BrandyMyLove · 28/03/2019 08:31

It's so hard. I'm so scared of him. It took a lot of planning to try and work out when he was and wasn't going to be in the house. I don't know that I could do it again. I know, this means leaving my things behind. I can't find them anyway. I searched high and low and they're not there. I know if I go back there again he will flip his lid. His dad also lives across the road and he will almost definitely be spying on the house now. He went completely mad at me via text when he found out I went back. He said 'how dare you go in my house, you're disgusting' - I feel so sick even thinking about it all.

OP posts:
Reallyevilmuffin · 28/03/2019 08:31

Anything on a phone would likely have auto backed up

Original poster
BrandyMyLove · 28/03/2019 08:34

It was on a laptop and a hard drive, not a phone.

OP posts:
positivepixie · 28/03/2019 08:41

Don't focus on the photos, think about the fact that you've managed to leave an abusive man who would've continued to control and destroy you. Congratulate yourself, cut off from the past and look to the future. Easy to type, I know but don't let him carry on controlling you and how you feel.

nonetcurtains · 28/03/2019 09:00

A number of years ago a friend suffered a house fire that destroyed most of her stuff, but the things that upset her most were irreplaceable photos (this was before the digital age!).

We contacted as many mutual friends as we could asking for copies of any photos they had of events they'd both attended. We amassed loads of copies (and videos) that we put into an album for her, it was wonderful. Also re-kindled friendships that had lasped.
Anyway, it's worth contacting friends and aquaintances to see if they have anything they can share with you.

Piffle11 · 28/03/2019 09:20

Something similar happened to me. Finally left EA exDP. We worked together so was a nightmare to still have to see him every day (luckily he stayed in check as managers were watching like hawks). I lost my computer with 30,000 words of a book was writing, plus the back up, furniture, mementos, gifts … he did very well out of the split in so far as he wouldn't give me my stuff back, and was even telling everyone how I was 'trying to get more stuff out of me' by daring to ask him for my copy of a Disney VHS - that I'd had before I met him - to give to my DN. The stuff we'd bought together was split up (both agreed) and put on a document by my solicitor: because I didn't include the things I owned before I met him, he refused to hand them over! It really pissed me off, but the way I decided to look at it was that those things were the price I had to pay to be free of him. I still get a bit cross about it (15 years on!) when something like this reminds me, but tbh I rarely think about it now.

Original poster
BrandyMyLove · 28/03/2019 09:23

Sounds awful @Piffle11 I'm so sorry you went through that. I know exactly how you must have felt. I'm glad you're ok now.

My DC is the best thing that's ever happened to me but sadly means I will likely never be completely free of his abusive ways :(

OP posts:
Girlofgold · 28/03/2019 09:26

That sounds very cruel of him op. I wonder if women's aid could offer some advice regarding access to get possessions? They may have police links or something.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 28/03/2019 09:29

I'll report to 101 but they won't do anything without proof.

Report a burglary - as far as you know it is a burglary. Its theft.

Jointly owned house ? You have every tight to be in it and hire a removal van and take away every last bit of the contents

Piffle11 · 28/03/2019 09:33

@BrandyMyLove yeah, it was 10 months before he finally bought me out: he dragged it out deliberately and was playing the victim to his friends at work. Luckily for me there had been a few outbursts from him in the past (directed at others) so the majority of the staff were under no illusion about him.

Don't let your ex destroy your spirit by dwelling on your lost things - the fact that you found the courage and the energy (I always felt physically and emotionally exhausted) to leave is wonderful, and not to be underestimated.

It may not be much help, but I would advise you to start writing down any issues you have with him, no matter how trivial it may seem. If you have to still deal with him because of DC, make sure that any problems are documented. Dates, times, any nastiness, deliberate trouble making, etc. Good luck to you x

Original poster
BrandyMyLove · 28/03/2019 09:34

I've let him keep everything. Sofa, rugs, coffee table, wardrobes, drawers, decorations, fridge, tumble drier, washing machine, EVERYTHING apart from my personal belongings. To be honest, I don't want them. I want a fresh start and will be able to get things cheaply from Facebook and eBay etc. He never let me decorate the way I wanted to anyway. I just don't think he realises how lucky he is to even be living in the house still. I could've made him leave. I didn't.

OP posts:
buzzbobbly · 28/03/2019 09:48

Brandy, those are all things. Just stuff.

Even by doing his worst, he never got control or ownership of YOU.

So fuck him! He failed, you won.

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