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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I too old to run away from home

33 replies

Pinotjo · 26/03/2019 23:10

Own my own home, DP lives with me, grown up DD and her DP also living here, I work full time, come home to cook, clean, do washing, get minimal help from everyone else, apparently they are tired 🙄 weekend consist of getting up early to do chores/ironing then look after elderly DM. I have no personal time & no personal space, resorting to taking refuge in the shed, I'm a young 50 yr old woman, hiding in the shed ffs. Family are selfish, if I complain I get a lot of eye rolling or they humour me and nothing changes, they have plenty of time at home due to shift work, tbh I'm knackered. Abu to pack my shit and run away

OP posts:

Annasgirl · 26/03/2019 23:12

No but why would you leave - ask all of them to go. Unless you could release equity to buy a lovely apartment for one !!! You could well live for another 40 years. That should motivate you.

gamerchick · 26/03/2019 23:12

Nope, book a hotel for a week or so. Seriously, do it. You can still go to work and other stuff out of the home but you need to send a message to the gits that this is your limit.

When you do come home, stop doing all the shit they're used to.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/03/2019 23:13

If it's your house, get them to pack their shit, while you watch, relaxing with a drink of your choice.

Greatdomestic1 · 26/03/2019 23:13

Lol. No you are not.

But you know that's not the answer. My vote is you go cold turkey and if your selfish family want anything done, they can do it themselves. Seriously, stop enabling them.

BigChocFrenzy · 26/03/2019 23:15

STOP doing anything for them
Just do your own shopping, laundry and meals
Only clean your own room and the kitchen (you don't want food posoning)

BigChocFrenzy · 26/03/2019 23:17

Demand a commercial rent from DD & her DP or boot them out
Too many lazy selfish fuckers in your life

Singlenotsingle · 26/03/2019 23:18

What are you, Dobby the house Elf? Have a Family Meeting and tell them you've drawn up a rota for everyone to do their share. You won't be doing everyone's washing/ironing any more. They can do their own. You won't be cooking or doing the washing up every day - you have a rota. If they won't do their turn, they'll go hungry. And if you have any more of this nonsense, you're putting the house up for sale!

AcrossthePond55 · 26/03/2019 23:38

Start coming home with a takeaway for one to start with! And as others have said, do your own laundry, shop for yourself etc.

Exactly who (if any) of them do you actually want to be living there?

I agree. At 50 you are at the age where you should be doing less housework and cooking, not more. Give them all ONE chance to straighten up and do their fair share (and KEEP doing it) and tell them they'll be asked to leave if they don't keep up their end of the bargain.

EKGEMS · 27/03/2019 00:11

You do realize women have the right to vote now? Does your calendar say it's 1950-something? I'd have a family come- to -Jesus meeting and tell them they either start contributing to running the household by dividing up the labor and/or pay rent or get the fuck out! After delivering that message sit back for a week to see if anything improves,if not when they're out change the locks and tell them when they will be allowed back in to pack and move out!

BritInUS1 · 27/03/2019 00:28

You need to tell everyone that things are changing and they all need to contribute

Why are you just sucking it up and doing everything?

Justgivemesomepeace · 27/03/2019 00:33

I ran away a couple of weeks ago. Sat in morrisons car park for a couple of hours, did the shopping and went home with chips n curry from the chippy. DP told me i was ridiculous and dd stropped off to the chippy for her own tea. They had all sat there for 3 and a half hours waiting for me to feed them.

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 27/03/2019 00:35

Jesus woman, tell them to leave! Why are you letting them treat you like this? I'd tell them to pack a bag!!

TheSmallAssassin · 27/03/2019 00:38

I would put the house on the market, put the wind up them. Say you're finding it too hard to manage such a big house on your own with a full time job and are going to buy a one bedroomed flat, so they need to start looking for somewhere else to live.

But seriously, I hope you are only doing your own ironing, why would you do anyone else's? Ditto washing or cooking. Make sure you are charging your daughter and her partner enough rent to cover a cleaner.

Nameisthegame · 27/03/2019 00:43

Don’t clean after them, if they leave mess collect it up and leave it in their room or sell the house and buy a one bed!

Happynow001 · 27/03/2019 00:56

You don't sound mad OP - why are you putting up with this?

You do realise that, the fact that you've "put up and shut up" so far has just enabled them to all think things are great?

I would it out to them, and tell them how furious you are that they are taking advantage of you, that you have no privacy, personal time or space. How old is your daughter and how long has she been with her partner? I'd seriously consider asking them to move out into their own home because if things are like this now what will it be like if they are still with you and having babies?

For the time they are all in your home, starting NOW, everyone needs to pull their weight and contribute fairly to the costs and, even more importantly, the running of the house which definitely includes all the tasks that you undertake currently

Your own partner also needs to be a more equal contributor to you in this relationship. If he has not recognised that then make it clear.

Do you get any help with your elderly DM? I can't see whether or not she's also living with you. What assistance do you give to her? Can you get some external carer(s) for her also to give yourself some respite? Is she local?

Your DD and her partner and your partner have taken you for granted and maybe you've been too kind hearted and exhausted to deal with this - now is the Time, however.

Strength and best wishes to you @Pinotjo for a successful outcome. 🌹

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 27/03/2019 00:59

Agree you should not be the one running away. Why are they all there ?

I ask that from your point of view, not theirs.

Happynow001 · 27/03/2019 01:02

Well done @Justgivemesomepeace - the start of many lessons to be learned maybe.

You may need some clear communications with them though, if you've not done so already - and stick to your guns! 🤗

k1233 · 27/03/2019 01:08

Do a list of housework jobs, stick it to the fridge and rotate weekly.

Do not do their laundry and ironing.

Communicate your expectations, do what you say you are going to eg not cook for them etc

You also have to accept that people di things differently and not just do it all "so it's done right". That's ridiculous but is something I hear women say all the time.

3dogs2cats · 27/03/2019 01:13

Oh boy . Does this resonate. Not clearly with the people who can’t believe you have allowed this to happen, but with me and all the other women who have allowed it.
First thing is the anger was useful in illuminating the problem, but is not useful in solving it. Then do that stuff, house meeting, rota, realistic rent, and don’t say yes but they are saving for a deposit, cos I bet they still waste loads of money. Get a cleaner, divide up the rest of the chores. And don’t let them be disrespectful to you about it, just calmly tell them you are not ok with their tone if they start. Adulting!

3dogs2cats · 27/03/2019 01:17

Ps your house, your standards, they aren’t babies to get praised for using the pot, they have to wipe their own bottoms and rinse it out.
And plan I weekend a month away, this has saved my sanity when our wonderful retirement got derailed by all sorts of shit.

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 27/03/2019 01:21

Do a list of housework jobs, stick it to the fridge and rotate weekly.

I wouldn't even do this. Fuck them. Op shouldn't have the mental load of figuring out everyone's jobs. They're grown adults. They either do it or they get out.

Stargazer888 · 27/03/2019 01:30

Why are your dd and her dp living with you?

Happynow001 · 27/03/2019 01:51

BTW @Pinotjo are you able to take some time out soon JUST for yourself? ie after you've spoken to them?

A spa weekend maybe where you can relax, swim, eat some good food, have a nice glass if 🍷 and read a good book just on your own for two or three day's? Easter weekend is coming soon.

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner · 27/03/2019 01:57

FIFO time - they fit in or fuck off.

PregnantSea · 27/03/2019 03:31

It's time for DD and her partner to leave. They are behaving like children and taking the piss. Please take this on board OP - they are adults and the situation isn't working. They both work so are more than capable of getting their own place. Give them 4 week's notice that they have to go. Be very firm about it.

Once they're out of the picture it's just your DP you have to contend with. I've no advice here as mine never sticks with any chore rota we come up with, but at least it's only one person to pick up after instead of three!

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