To find this is very insulting

[sweetdreams30]

I invited my mum to our house for Mother's Day as well as DHs mum.My mum said she'll come but doesn't want dinner even thought she will be here. This is a common pattern every time she comes out she never eats anything I cook. If she stays overnight she'll just have a bowl of cereal and if I make a fry/eggs she won't touch it or else she tells me to sit down and cooks it herself. The last time she was out I was after cooking a roast chicken and she didn't want that yet the next time I went to have lunch in hers she made a roast chicken. As far as I know I haven't poisoned anyone yet and we have people over for dinner a lot plus I've 3 kids. AIBU to find this insulting? If I was cooking steak I'd always ask how someone would like it cooked and if someone left something on the plate they didn't like it wouldn't bother me.

Have you asked her why?

Sounds very odd. Does she eat food other people cook or is it just your cooking?

Can you say something like ‘I know you won’t want to join us for lunch so can you come round at x o’clock and join us for a coffee?’.

Does she just sit at the table and watch you all eat? .

I think you need to ask her straight what the problem is, but make it clear it’s either what you cook or nothing and if she refuses to eat that makes everyone feel awkaward so best she doesn’t come.

Sounds like she has OCD, surrounding food that needs to be cooked. She probably only eats the food if she cooks it herself.

If she doesn't want it, all the more for those that do!

It isn’t necessarily insulting... it depends why. Maybe she doesn’t want to feel like a burden, expecting you to cook for her etc?

I’m not a very good cook and I actually wouldn’t find it insulting if someone said they’d rather a take out or something, but that’s because I’m genuinely not a very good cook.

@MolyHolyGuacamole I think you nailed it on the head there with her wanting to cook the food herself. Sometimes she has no choice but to have dinner at a relatives house and i always hear all about it in a negative way.

But then she eats in restaurants and takeaways...

But stuff for dinner - invite her to cook it - sit back, relax :)

Not being rude to you but is it possible she thinks your house isn't clean? I know people like this.

It might be insulting, or perhaps she has some anxiety around food? It does sound odd. Have you asked her what the issue is?

I don't think so I'm at home most of them time and dc have a playroom. I Hoover and mop once a day. I've very little clutter.

I haven't asked her, she's not easy to talk to about anything as she takes everything like it's a personal attack towards her. I generally keep conversation light

Then I don’t think we can really help you - I don’t mean that meanly but if you won’t or can’t ask her then her intentions remain unknowable, and you just put up with it or stop inviting her.

Is she an Irish mammy?

I have issues eating at peoples houses. I will only ever eat in my own house.

I am not 100% sure but I think it started when I was really young and my mums friend bought me to a really dirty house where I was offered milk that had curdled and old bread. I then got nits a few days later and was terrified and must have thought it was from there.

I will eat in restaurants though although I can be fussy. Maybe she has silmilar issues around food?

My MiL will only eat food she has cooked or restaurant food.On the odd occasion she visits us (4 hr drive) they stay for an hour amd then stop in a Little -theif- Chef on the way home.

My DM is like this. It can be embarrassing when she goes to people’s houses as she won’t even have a cup of tea made by someone else. We just leave her to it.

I've been married nearly 40 years and MIL has never had a cup of tea at my house or even use the loo.
In fact when she came to babysit she brought her own cup, flask, sugar and milk plus a plate and a Tupperware box with a sandwich and cake inside.
I never let it bother me it wasn't worth it.

My mam doesn't LIKE food other people have cooked for her, but she'll eat it because they've made the effort and she'll compliment or thank them for it. It's an anxiety thing with her. Shes a fantastic cook but worries she'll accidentally poison someone. Occasionally I or a sibling will cook something and leave it on the side and she'll taste it and like it and ask if she can have it but I think when someone cooks for her she is anxious about them watching for her response and feeling like they're watching her eat. If there are otherwise no issues I'd not take it personally, people are weird.

If you think she's doing it to be insulting then I'd just completely ignore it. Don't pander to it. Always assume that she will eat what everyone else is having but then when she says no thanks just say ok in a light and breezy way. If your DC ever say "why isn't grandma eating" just say, "I don't know darling, you'll have to ask her".

I can remember a rather bizarre incident when I was a young child. The whole extended family on my mum's side were away for a few days. One of my aunts forgot to bring her own knife and fork with her, and refused to used any of the provided cutlery, even if it was boiled for 15 minutes. Instead, she ate with a can opener that she had for some reason brought from home.

As I got older, I became more aware of her doing other odd things.

I have a friend like this. It's a control thing. She even takes her own special tea to coffee mornings. It's not you. I'd just invite her to the non-meal elements of events.

My mum is like this, not QUITE as extreme, but i can sense a level of distaste over my food and she will try to avoid eating my cooking if possible, by offering to bring food or buy takeaways instead etc. Among friends, i have a reputation as an excellent cook! I cook every day from scratch! sorry everyone

I think it's because she can't see me as anything other than that grubby 6yr old

My mum was weird about food. Growing up we never ate out or take always because 'you never know if they washed their hands'.

Mum was an excellent cook but she never taught me. 'You either have it or you don't'. I got into cooking in my mid to late 20s - but was never encouraged by my mother. She would push my food around her plate and say something like 'I've tried it but I can't'. My DH also loves to cook and she will praise his food to the highest. Once I told her DH had cooked something and she said it was great. At the end of the meal he told her I had cooked it and she said she knew because it wasn't up to his usual standard but didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Eventually, I stopped inviting to her to lunch or dinner it became so strained. It was such a shame that she chose to raise the drawbridge on what have been a bonding thing between us. She was also one of those women who refused to share recipes, so the childhood dishes from her own country have gone now because now she is in her 80s with dementia.