WTF do I do? Work related and mental health related.

[Daubergine]

So I quit a job as I was bored last year.
I mean I was sitting staring at a blank inbox for 4 hours a day bored.
I spoke to management and took on responsibility for an extra person (I'm support staff).
I left with the intention of finding something else immediately.
However I spiralled into a sort of depression. Well a complete depression.
I've missed 4 interviews, the last of which was 25% more than my last salary.
I know I'm good at my job as we had a team building night away where apparently I was used as the standard they want my colleagues to be working at.
So how can I sort my shit out?

You need to seek help for the depression, once your MH stabilises you can then get a job.

Oh they are trying, I've now gotten to the point of not going to appointments and refusing to let them in.

Problem is that antidepressants don't agree with me (I become suicidal until they're stabilised and they took me off mine when I moved here, so I'm at a massive risk of suicide if they try to put me back on them).

You seem like you want to get better OP. So the first step would be to engage with the help and allow them in to help you. I know this is easier said than done, but you can only get better if you accept the help.

for you. Depression is awful. Hope you feel better soon.

Ok, so if there were no limits on what was possible, what would it take for you to feel able to let them in? What would have to be different?

I've stopped the antidepressants because I was planning how to kill myself after being on them 3 days. I wonder if I plough through it and realise that I'm not feeling it, it's the drugs, I wonder can I come out the other side where I'm stable again?

What else is going on with your life? Sounds like there's a lot more to it than a boring job.

I just don't want to engage. I'm sad and suicidal I guess. Not actively suicidal now (if that's a term). I literally want nothing to do with anyone. I just want everyone to go away. Which is very unusual for me as I'm an extrovert and love nothing more than talking shite, being the life and soul and being out and about.

I have tried everything I know to try to stop this, change this, pull myself out of this, but I'm not battling it!

I'm scared of the meds as they seem to make me into some sort of zombie with one thing on my mind.

Do you have a CPN, have you spoken to them about returning to work?

It may be something that you need to approach gradually if you've been very poorly.

I'm not sure what a CPN is, but I have a person assigned to me - an occupational therapist? She leaves voice messages saying she's my care coordinator. I also have a psychiatrist. They came to my house last week and I told them I had a vomiting bug as I didn't want to let them in. I ignore their letters with appointments so now it appears they have taken to rocking up instead! My psychiatrist is lovely, he's French Moroccan apparently I told him he was Italian and that he could never understand the Irish psyche He does a lot of telling me what he's going to do and a whole load of doing nothing.