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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell him about pregnancy

28 replies

ItsAMooPoint · 17/03/2019 11:03

Just got a positive pregnancy test this morning and I'm considering not telling DH.

We've had 6 miscarriages so far so this would be pregnancy number 7.

WIBU to keep this one to myself until a bit further down the line? I feel like it's wrong but honestly the hardest part about losing these pregnancies has been having to tell him again when the bleeding starts. He's so supportive and strong but I can tell that he's disappointed and tries to hide it for my sake.

OP posts:

OpiesOldLady · 17/03/2019 11:05

Oh sweetheart. I can totally understand why you feel this way. I guess it's down to wether you feel he would be supportive if the worst was to happen again?

Have you had any investigation's as to why you keep miscarrying?

Original poster

ItsAMooPoint · 17/03/2019 11:12

OpiesOldLady oh he would absolutely be supportive, I don't doubt that for one moment. He's lovely and has been my rock throughout. I just hate having to tell him bad news every time, having to call him from work to say it's happening again or waking him up in the night to tell him. He wants this as badly as I do but he tries so hard not to get upset to make it easier for me but every time I can tell how disappointed he is and it breaks my heart. If I can, I want to save him that this time and just keep it to myself for now but I don't know if that's wrong.

Yes, we know the cause. I have a chromosomal problem.

OP posts:

OpiesOldLady · 17/03/2019 11:15

In that case I really don't know. I totally understand your reasons for not saying anything.

HateWarts · 17/03/2019 11:18

I understand why you’d want to keep quiet and if you feel that’s best then you should do it. But wouldn’t your partner rather support you through each miscarriage until your rainbow baby?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 17/03/2019 11:19

I understand but honestly I think you need each other’s support. I’m so sorry for your losses but if it happens again you can’t go through that alone

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/03/2019 11:21

It's his baby too, if he were hiding things, would you be happy with that? of course not, marriage is a shared journey.

Wishing you all the best

Original poster

ItsAMooPoint · 17/03/2019 11:23

But wouldn’t your partner rather support you through each miscarriage until your rainbow baby

Yes, I think he would if it were up to him which is why I'm concerned that this choice is a bit selfish on my part. I hate having to tell him every time but that's as much for my sake as well as his.

OP posts:

Original poster

ItsAMooPoint · 17/03/2019 11:26

I've never made it past 6/7 weeks so my thought was to see if I get past that before telling him (which would only be a week away) not saying it makes it any better but just wanted to clarify I'm not talking getting to a 12 week scan before telling him.

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Totaldogsbody · 17/03/2019 11:31

I'm so sorry to hear of your problems, I can understand why you don't want to tell your husband. I think its very brave of you, you are trying to save someone very dear to you a heart wrenching grief. I think I'd probably try to do the same thing in the circumstances but if things do go wrong again will you be able to cope without his support. This is only a decision you can make, he sounds a wonderful guy OP. I hope things go wonderfully well this time for you and you'll be back here telling us how happy you and your husband are with your little one

BlueMerchant · 17/03/2019 11:33

I think he needs to know. He will be upset and feel he's not the great support he is trying to be for you if he finds out you are not telling him and feeling like you need to keep it a secret. I think it will make him feel worse.

ohfourfoxache · 17/03/2019 11:35

I’m so sorry that you’ve been through what you have, it’s not fair

I don’t think yabu at all, it’s so tricky but I think that if you don’t want to tell anyone then you don’t have to.

Do you BOTH have support in place from other people?

Original poster

ItsAMooPoint · 17/03/2019 12:04

Do you BOTH have support in place from other people?

My mother has been my outside support. He isn't very close to his family and so I don't think he has actually told them what is going on. I know he has spoken about it with his friend though and so I just hope he does have some form of outside support.

I think he feels he can't show any emotions because it will make me feel worse.

OP posts:

PregnantSea · 17/03/2019 12:23

I suppose the issue comes if you do end up miscarrying again and he somehow finds out. If he's with you when it happens then surely you won't be able to hide it? I think it would hurt him a lot more to know that you kept it from him and also that you were suffering alone.

I totally understand you not wanting to say anything though. So sorry to hear about what's happened OP, hope all goes well this time x

Original poster

ItsAMooPoint · 17/03/2019 13:53

I think I will tell him but perhaps not today. I want to just get my own mind around this first for the day. We are having a nice afternoon, I don't want to spoil it.

It sounds sad saying a pregnancy announcement would spoil our afternoon but that's the way it is now.

OP posts:

TriciaH87 · 17/03/2019 14:21

If the worst happens you will need his support. Maybe you should say to him its early days and anything can happen but hopefully 7 is our lucky number.

Geekster1963 · 17/03/2019 14:23

Sorry to hear what you have both been through. Me and my DH had six miscarriages too and number 7 was lucky for us. I was not wanting to tell DH either but when I took the test for no 7 I sat and cried for an hour so he knew I was pregnant.

It's hard on both of you, all you can do is be there for each other. I'm keeping everything crossed for you.

MissSmith80 · 17/03/2019 14:25

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said but I wish you all the very best, sending sticky thoughts xxx

BeanTownNancy · 17/03/2019 14:31

In all honesty, I probably wouldn't tell my husband in those circumstances. I would tell him if I started to miscarry because I know he would want to support me, but I wouldn't have wanted to get his hopes up earlier if I could hold off for a week and avoid it. I would just want to save him the feelings of disappointment.

Original poster

ItsAMooPoint · 17/03/2019 15:20

Thanks

In terms of needing his support, it has been vital to me through this you're right in saying I have needed him to get me through. The first few times were awful, I spiralled quite quickly and he carried a lot of me whilst I was so desperately sad (as I'm sure he was)

It sounds a bit crazy but the more it's happened, the easier it's got to move on afterwards to the point where I do believe I could do it if I had to, on my own. Not in any way to say I don't need him or appreciate him, I honestly do, he's still the best thing to happen to me every day. But I am stronger, this situation has made me stronger, I don't lean on him quite so much anymore and am able to pull myself together more than before.

I think that I will tell him tomorrow. But today I'm going to keep this to me, to allow myself some time to process.

OP posts:

Readytogogogo · 17/03/2019 16:51

You both sound lovely. Do want feels right for you. I wish you all the luck in the world .

VampirateQueen · 17/03/2019 17:22

I have no advice OP but didn't want to read and run. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Skittlesss · 17/03/2019 17:29

Sorry, I have no advice, just wanted to send you some love and positive thoughts.

DorisDances · 17/03/2019 17:32

Oh, OP, that is s heart breaking read. I hope you get to meet your rainbow baby soon x

ThatsWotSheSaid · 17/03/2019 17:34

Good luck OP

Stawp · 17/03/2019 17:38

My husband has balanced chromosomal translocation which can lead to miscarriages with me. I'd never hide a pregnancy (and possible miscarriage) from him just because it might not work out. You're in this together.

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