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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has managed to live together after separating?

14 replies

Sanebutoverwhelmed · 09/03/2019 17:01

Considering this for financial and logistical reasons. Not any any illusions it’ll be emotionally easy. It will be temporary. Maybe for 4 months or so. The cost of living separately for that time is extremely difficult. We do have young children (5 and under). It’s a small living space but big enough for separate rooms and separate bathrooms.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 09/03/2019 17:04

Lived with my ex for a year. He said he was going to move back to where he was before we met, so I was waiting but it never happened! I left in the end. It was ok at the start but didn't take long to get uncomfortable. If you have a definite time frame and are in a civil place/the split is a mutual thing you might make it work though. Plus be easier for child contact!

JacquesHammer · 09/03/2019 17:05

Yes we did for 6 months.

We split very amicably so wasn’t a problem. We set some ground rules surrounding new partners etc although neither of us were interested so really it was moot.

We are together, spent time as a family, just slept in different rooms.

Snowjive2 · 09/03/2019 17:21

Did it for 20 years. We both decided that DC needed two on-site parents. Couldn’t bear the idea of the DC having to live between two homes - an adult wouldn’t choose to do that, so why force children to do it? It worked well. We were friends and co-parents, with separate social lives apart from friends we met together through school etc.

GummyGoddess · 09/03/2019 19:20

@Snowjive2 May I be nosy and ask if your children were/are happy that you did this, and what did you do about new partners?

TakenForSlanted · 09/03/2019 19:25

Did it for 9 months because I was a doormat and he was broke.

It was horrible: he would tell me about his sexual exploits every night as I got home from work and eventually started bringing random women into my home - I think just to prove his point that he was a stud and I an idiot for leaving him.

He also somehow lived in our bedroom at the time and I on an inflatable mattress in my office. Confused

DaedricLordSlayer · 09/03/2019 20:10

did it for 7 months, was sort of amicable, had bad moments, we worked as a tag team with the DC, but gradually we spent more and more time talking after the DC were in bed. We talked a lot. we ended up in bed with each other a couple of times, then we decided to make a fresh start of our relationship.

That was 9 years ago, and we are both very happy together.

Crappygilmore · 09/03/2019 20:22

Been doing it for the last year. Not ideal. But it works.

Snowjive2 · 09/03/2019 20:39

Gummy yes DC were thankful, we explained to them quite young that we were not like boyfriend and girlfriend (so they wouldn’t see us kissing and we had separate bedrooms) but we loved each other as friends and we loved them and we were a family, so we lived together. As they saw their own friends shuttling between (sometimes embittered) parents they appreciated that even though we might not be a textbook standard family we were a family who supported each other and that was a good thing. It wasn’t easy but both DC (now grown up) have each said that they were glad, that it made them feel secure. As for new partners, not sure what DH did but he was super-discreet, as was I. I think we both felt that the kids came first, they shouldn’t suffer because our relationship broke down. Not for everyone, I appreciate, but if circumstances are right it can be done.

GummyGoddess · 09/03/2019 20:44

Thank you, that's very comforting to hear.

katseyes7 · 09/03/2019 20:46

Yes, we did, for a year while we were waiting to sell the house. ln some ways it was easier because there was light at the end of the tunnel, in others it annoyed me because if l went out, when l got home l'd get the "what time d'you call this?" comment. That stopped after l replied "well l believe it's five hours earlier than that last time you came home"....
lt was ridiculous in some ways - we had separate bedrooms, food cupboards, separate shelves in the fridge, and even separate freezers. But to be fair, l was involved in a car accident three months in, l rang him, and he came straight out, and he drove my car home for me. The separation and divorce were a damn sight more civilised that most of the marriage, to be honest. l realise it's not like that for everyone, though. And we didn't have children.

l hope things work out for you x

Original poster
Sanebutoverwhelmed · 09/03/2019 21:36

Thanks all. Earlier today it felt like the obvious answer to minimise hurt for the kids. Now I think through the logistics of it, it’s not so obvious and I can’t work out how we’d manage it. Interested to keep hearing more stories....

OP posts:
Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 09/03/2019 21:50

We did for about four months. It wasn’t fun. The separation was amicable and mutually agreed but it felt like limbo. Also there were good reasons for separating and I needed to be in my own space with control over my own life.

Having finances still joint to some extent was oppressive too.

The last few weeks were LONG.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 09/03/2019 21:51

Kids were definitely better off emotionally withoutvthat horrible atmosphere

MegaClutterSlut · 09/03/2019 21:56

I think it depends on how amicable you both are imo. Dh friend split up from his wife around 5 years ago. They still live together but have separate rooms but the key thing to it working for them is that they are great friends still. No animosity at all and both have new partners

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