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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel resentful to help my parents

17 replies

NameChanger9000 · 08/03/2019 15:14

Long story short.

Just before Christmas my step dad had a triple heart bypass after years of bad diet, being over weight, blood pressure etc ...

He was in hospital for a week then recovering for 6 weeks during all this time as the only family in the area DH & I took on most of responsibility for transporting DM to visit him in hospital then during the recovery time (as DM isn't very mobile) we took her food shoppig etc ...

Now step dad is fully recovered he has slipped back into his bad eating habits. Fry ups, cakes, chocolate etc ... all stuff I keep reminding him he shouldn't be eating but he doesn't care. My DM even said now he has a "new heart" he can eat whatever he wants.

This attitude really pisses me off & makes me resentful that if either of them become ill to where they need a stay in hospital that I really don't want to get involved.

I feel terrible saying it but if they won't help themselves why should DH & I bend over backwards for them.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Bigonesmallone3 · 08/03/2019 15:18

YANBU at all..
On the other hand if they do need you will you be able to say no?

Asta19 · 08/03/2019 15:18

I think that's fair enough. Your stepdad can eat whatever he wants but you have every right not to help again if he ends up back in hospital.

Limensoda · 08/03/2019 15:20

He's being irresponsible but it's his choice whether you like it or not.
Personally, I would help my parents in that situation because I cared about their current predicament and about them. I wouldn't put conditions on that.
Helping is YOUR choice. If you don't want to then don't.

mangolover · 08/03/2019 15:20

I completely agree with you. I'd make it clear that you have found it difficult but you have helped this time. If he won't help himself then you won't be helping him again.

RiverTam · 08/03/2019 15:23

if he's had a triple bypass then to an extent your mum is right. But he'll just end up with some other major health issue like diabetes. So I would tell her that you;d really appreciate her acknowledging everything you did for her and your stepdad by trying to make some changes that don't mean it's going to happen all over again in a year.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 08/03/2019 15:23

if either of them become ill to where they need a stay in hospital that I really don't want to get involved.

What would their reaction be if you said this? And would you be able to carry it through?

I dont think YABU.

Original poster

NameChanger9000 · 08/03/2019 15:24

I would find it difficult to say no but given how angry it's making me I think I could. Even at the hospital my DM was taking him trifle. Who gives someone recovering from a triple heart bypass a trifle? I visited today & he had a fry up for lunch then cake. I can't understand such stupidity. Normally big operations like this spark motivation to be healthy but he's just gone back to eating crap all the time. If I say anythong they agree I'm right but then ignore my advice.

OP posts:

ShabbyAbby · 08/03/2019 15:28

I don't think you are being U as it's entirely up to you. but if I was in your position I would help without conditions

EKGEMS · 08/03/2019 15:28

I'm a registered nurse and I work on a unit caring for patients post cardiac surgery and I cannot imagine going through that surgery and eating that way afterwards! He doesn't have a new heart (like a transplant( he's got a renovated heart and he is prone to atherosclerosis as demonstrated by his prior blockages. All I can say is you can't change him or your mother's enabling of him. Just be prepared for his eventual death and what adjustments you need to make to care for your mother

Foslady · 08/03/2019 15:29

Tell them this then - if it’s your choice not to look after yourself when you have been given a second chance then it’ll be my choice to say you are on your own. If you had any idea how it affected our lives then you would be trying to make more of your own.

With you on this one OP - the money this will have cost the NHS and then back to behaving like this. I know it’s not a popular opinion but to me it’s like a slap in the face to the many people that have got him back to a life rather than an existence

Original poster

NameChanger9000 · 08/03/2019 15:39

Everytime I see him eating crap I just think about all the doctors, nurses, surgeons that did everything to get him back to health. All the time we gave up to support them plus out of town family that travelled to visit. They don't realise how much it impacted everyone & how much a slap in the face it is that he's just going to end up back in hospital for which he/they'll take no responsibility. I'm already worrying what will happen to DM if he dies.

OP posts:

Bringbackthestripes · 08/03/2019 15:51

Everytime I see him eating crap I just think about all the doctors, nurses, surgeons that did everything to get him back to health.

And how much it costs.... I dread the day we lose the NHS because it has been stretched to breaking point by people who have cost it hundreds of thousands of pounds in treatments. It makes me so angry when people don’t take responsibility for their own health-and I say this when knowing someone who feels they can eat what they like because “ it’s okay, I take a statin”. FFS Bill put the mars bar down, stop smoking, move your arse and get off statins and bp medication Grrrrr!

CheshireChat · 08/03/2019 16:05

It's ok to only be willing to help to a certain degree- so it's absolutely fine to say 'I'll take you to the hospital on Tuesday and we'll do an online order as well, but I'm not able to help you the rest of the time'.

dangermouseisace · 08/03/2019 17:12

YANBU at all. It sounds like a completely exasperating situation.

I’d be questioning them about this. Is your step dad getting any rehabilitation/education as to diet and exercise? It sounds like him and your mum are a bit clueless, if not ignorant.

My dad has a quadruple bypass 20 odd years ago, and the experience made him change his ways for good. No smoking, reduced drinking, (mainly) healthy diet and exercise Even with all of that, he has still had heart attacks over the years and now needs another bypass. You don’t get a new heart. Your heart is already damaged from the previous heart attack(s) and a bit of muscle dies each time. That’s why it’s important to do everything possible to avoid another.

I think you are perfectly justified in saying, carry on along this track and I’m not supporting you when things go tits up, as it will be a situation of their own making rather than an unfortunate crisis.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 08/03/2019 17:17

He doesn’t have to change anything because you do some shopping and gave your Mum some lifts!. He’s a grown man and it’s his life. Imagine if he was trying to dictate how you lived because he’d done something for you in the past. If you don’t want to help him because you feel his condition is self inflicted then don’t. People judge each other all the time. Be honest with yourself that that is what you are doing and that is who you are.

Bigonesmallone3 · 08/03/2019 18:24

Op is thinking of his health fgs!

Sweetpea55 · 08/03/2019 21:49

Think of the money it cost to treat him. He's taking the piss

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