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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not liking my partners sister

19 replies

Applecrumble79 · 07/03/2019 20:29

My partners sister has never spoken a word to me in the three years we’ve been together. She is much younger than me but as a newcomer into the family I thought it wouldn’t hurt for her to be polite.

She purposely ignores me and I find it really strange. She stares at me like I’m from Mars when I’m talking to others and she is there. I haven’t bothered trying to make an effort either but have instigated a “hi” or “bye”. I also attended her and the aunts birthday meal and wished her a happy birthday but she still ignores me.
I haven’t raised this with my partner as I don’t want to make an issue. He might confront her or say I’m imagining it. I don’t want to make an issue by at the same time I feel a little awkward at his family gatherings. I just hate family events when she’s there. Aibu by keeping my distance from her?!

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 07/03/2019 20:31

I haven’t bothered trying to make an effort either but have instigated a “hi” or “bye”.

You're both still at school aren't you ?

Original poster

Applecrumble79 · 07/03/2019 20:33

No we’re not!! At family functions there are usually quite a lot of us there so i don’t always get to mingle with everyone. Just find it strange that someone so close to him goes out of her way not to speak.

OP posts:

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 07/03/2019 20:38

Sounds like you expect her to do all the running... I'd have thought it was up to you to try and get to know her really rather than the other way around.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/03/2019 20:43

Maybe she's mingling too?

At family events I make the effort to see people who I won't see that often, maybe she's doing the same?

You also admit that you don't make an effort with her. If I were you I'd try and make an effort and if she doesn't respond then you know you answer however you haven't even given it a go. You said that she's much younger than you so maybe she's just shy.

Original poster

Applecrumble79 · 07/03/2019 20:44

@baby. Not at all. I’m not stupid and pick up on vibes. I’ve been to her birthday meal and purchased gift. I’m very welcoming to anyone my siblings date and introduce at gatherings. We all know what it’s like to be the newbee!! I’ve made an effort but not going to chase someone who is clearly not reciprocating.

OP posts:

Original poster

Applecrumble79 · 07/03/2019 20:46

@whenisnapped. She’s definitely not shy. She likes to be the host and is very Sociable with everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Applecrumble79 · 07/03/2019 20:47

When my partner first introduced us she didn’t even say hello. The other sisters did but she didn’t. Just strange.

OP posts:

bumblenbean · 07/03/2019 20:53

My husband’s sister was quite standoffish at first. It turns out she’s actually quite shy deep down which can come across as unfriendly, but actually she’s a nice girl. We’re never going to be best friends because we’re very different people but we get on fine and she’s a great auntie to our kids.

However I did make a big effort with her at the beginning because it was important to me to get on well with DH’s family. You’ve admitted that you ‘didn’t bother’ to make an effort at all yourself so tbh if she’s a bit standoffish anyway your attitude to her isn’t going to help.

You’re not obliged to make an effort but if you want a decent relationship with her you’ve got to do it.

CardsforKittens · 07/03/2019 20:53

Life is too short for ‘vibes’. If she hates you for no reason, stay out of her way: your life will be easier and more pleasant. If you’re in a social situation around others, be civil but not effusive. It’s nice to be close to in-laws but it’s also nice to be able to avoid people who project their own issues into you.

PassTheGinPlease · 07/03/2019 21:05

OP I feel your pain.
I have three sister in law's, one I love but she lives miles away, one who I am ok with who is about 20 minutes from us, and one who is also about 20 minutes away but who is an utter bitch.
She has been rude and dismissive of me for two decades. The rest of the (huge, for the most part normal) family laugh it off as she "has no filter" and "is very direct". It's not cute, it's bloody nasty and she's a bitch. She constantly points out how I used to be so slim (I have PCOS, I hardly eat as it is but it's very difficult to lose weight due to it). She arranges for the females in the family to go out and never invites me, always saying she didn't think I would want to come. She makes it abundantly clear she would rather I wasn't with her brother by her attitude and digs.
I made a decision last year after a family barbecue that I'm worth far more than that, and she can naff off. I'm not going to take notice anymore. I will be polite when necessary, that is it.
You literally can't please everyone all the time, and just because you love your partner, as I've learned it doesn't mean you will feel the same way about his family. Be polite. Noncommittal. No more.

Fabaunt · 07/03/2019 21:08

I don’t like my siblings partner I think he can do better so I don’t consider her part of my family. I tried at the start and she was fairly manipulative and dangerous so I swiftly stopped. She doesn’t want my brother to have much to do with me because I don’t have much to do with her, but he will never take her side over mine.

mammoon · 07/03/2019 21:10

I haven’t bothered trying to make an effort either

How about bother trying? She probably thinks you can't be bothered with her (and she'd be right, from what you've said here.) Or she might be too painfully shy to talk to you. She might find it awkward to have a non-family member around. She may have no idea at all what to talk to you about. Maybe she's staring at you because she's curious about you. You could make an effort to put her at ease and show that you're interested in and care about her. Talk to her, show some interest. Bring her a gift next time you see her, something small you know she'd like (maybe a belated birthday present?). Compliment her on something she's achieved recently, or even something she's wearing. There are a hundred ways to spark a conversation.

If you make a genuine and concerted effort the next few times you're together and you get the silent treatment, your partner will probably notice. Or at least it will make more sense for you to raise it with him. But really it sounds like YABVU and need to make an effort to be nicer.

Original poster

Applecrumble79 · 07/03/2019 21:52

She is really extravert and definitely not shy to talk. I will give it a go with reluctance but will do it and see what happens. Her dirty looks are so off putting. I guess some people dislike you for no reason. I will have to get over it!

OP posts:

Popc0rn · 07/03/2019 21:57

Guessing from your username that you are about 40? How old is she if she's "much younger"? Tbh you sound like you haven't made an effort and she might be thinking you don't like her, which is fair enough based on the title of this thread!

It'd probably make future life easier for you if you made a bit of an effort with her. Do you get on with your partners mum?

mammoon · 07/03/2019 21:57

Does she talk to other non-family members? How old is she, OP?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 07/03/2019 22:02

Yanbu for whatever reason some people won’t get on with you.

Unless you have a stupidly low EQ you are picking up these vibes because she’s sending them... you can’t do much but give her a wide berth

Original poster

Applecrumble79 · 07/03/2019 22:11

She’s 28, I’m 36. I don’t feel like I need to earn likes, I would just expect a more friendliness from her. Yeh I get on with my partners mum. She’s a sister from another mother. They share the same father.

OP posts:

Drogosnextwife · 07/03/2019 22:14

One of my dad's sisters was like this to my mum. Turns out she was a shit stirring bitch and actually did it to all her brothers wife's.

mammoon · 07/03/2019 22:19

When you said much younger, I got the impression she was in her teens!

In that case, I would definitely make a point of being extra-friendly to her at family gatherings. Kill her with kindness. Be genuinely friendly and open with her. She'll either respond by opening up and you'll get to know her a bit. Or she'll be forced to be openly rude to you and everyone will see her in action. Either way, problem solved.

Kill them with kindness is an underrated strategy for dealing with difficult people.

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