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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit upset about this

15 replies

Whatisthishelp · 04/03/2019 06:57

Hi All,
Just need a bit of perspective as to whether I'm being silly to be upset over this, or if I am justified in what I want to do as a result... I know you ladies will help me out!
Basically, Birthday was last week and whilst I was thoroughly spoilt by DH, Family and friends and had a wonderful day, I can't help being a little upset about the fact that two, who I considered obviously they don't me very good friends, didn't bother to even get me a card. Both wished me a happy birthday on the day so hadn't forgotten and in previous years we have always swapped cards & presents. Always very nice thoughtful gifts both ways, so isn't a case of they must think I get them crap so this is why they haven't bothered this year. No fallings out, and they don't know each other so can't be a case of I have done something to upset them both. We have been talking as normal and are honest with each other if one of us has said something out of line, so AFAIK all is well. Am I too old to be upset about this sort of thing? Would it be pathetically immature of me to just not bother with them either, especially as both their Birthdays are in the next couple of months?
Prepared to be told that they did wish me a happy birthday so grow up (grin)

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 04/03/2019 07:07

Perhaps as time is going on they are both wanting to move on from the regular cards and presents thing. Have a conversation with them and ask them if that is the case. As we get older birthdays other than for children can start to seem less important.

yearinyearout · 04/03/2019 07:12

Agree with PP. Theres really no need for adults to be buying each other birthday gifts, and maybe they ended up doing so out of obligation and have decided enough is enough. I've ended up buying birthday gifts for three people just because they started buying for me and I find it a right headache to be honest, they were all friends before I met them so had been buying for each other and I just ended up included.
If I were you I would just follow their lead and not buy for them. No need to get offended by it.

Margot33 · 04/03/2019 07:14

Sounds like they've had enough of doing presents. Do the same when its their birthdays. Just send a birthday text. I had this two years ago, a lot of people stopped sending me birthday cards so I wrote down names of those that sent one, on my calendar. Those names are the only ones that get one back now.

EnglishRose13 · 04/03/2019 07:15

This is their way of telling you that they want to stop.

Honestly, I hate it when my friends buy me birthday presents.

Notasunnybunny · 04/03/2019 07:37

This is a general trend, lots of people are moving away from exchanging gifts other than with close family. People are considering if buying ‘stuff’ that people may not even want wasting money and natural resources is desirable. I certainly wouldn’t buy friends a birthday gift unless I was invited to a birthday party which would probably also mean it was a milestone birthday. Buying some random gift item every year and then receiving in return just isn’t my thing. I don’t think I’m alone. Be happy you are off the hook from now on.

RoryLeighGilmore · 04/03/2019 07:37

I've just done similar to your friends. I think cards and presents as adults beyond early twenties is a bit weird unless a milestone birthday.
For my 30th I made it clear I wasn't interested in celebrating or presents but it didn't make a difference and I got presbts for them for the same birthday. The year after I made it clear again and still the same, so I just stopped doing the pointless presents and I'm hoping they'll follow and do the same back. We all have families of our own that the money is much better spent on. I'd rather see friends for a meal or something but I find gift giving as an adult a bit cringe and forced.

PiebaldHamster · 04/03/2019 07:40

Yes, YABU. They don't want to do cards and gifts anymore. IMO, great, less waste!

SparklingTwilight · 04/03/2019 07:45

I've a couple of friends I exchange token gifts with at some point around our birthdays (+/- a month) and Christmas every year. Usually some kind of sweets or chocolates that we used to eat when we were teenagers! I always include something for their DC too. I certainly wouldn't expect anything more or more though about than that.
Having said that, I was very pissed off last year when my best friend from adulthood forgot my birthday, not a mention, nothing, and I even saw her on it. Then two weeks later at a meal to celebrate her birthday she was all offended because her cousins hadn't remembered her birthday because she doesn't have it registered on facebook...

Smelborp99 · 04/03/2019 07:47

I agree with everyone else. This isn’t a statement on how much they value you.

Original poster

Whatisthishelp · 04/03/2019 07:48

That settles it then, thanks for the perspective ladies. I am more than happy to save money and not worry about it!

OP posts:

winsinbin · 04/03/2019 07:50

Perhaps they forgot? I turned up at a function at the weekend and as I walked through the door the first thing I saw was my closest friend sitting at a table surrounded by cards and gifts. I had known it was her birthday, I knew i would be seeing her at the function, I had made a mental note to buy a card and small gift and then I just bloody forgot. I was mortified but felt there was nothing I could do but smile and wish her a happy birthday. I felt terrible as throughout the evening other people turned up with more cards/ flowers etc. If I’d been less embarrassed I might have had the presence of mind to run down to the shops and buy a card but at the time it just didn’t occur to me.

I am still cringing inside and just hope she didn’t mind as much as you do OP.

GnomeDePlume · 04/03/2019 07:51

Dont take offence. These people are still good friends just not birthday card friends.

My birthday is early January so gets overlooked as often as not other than by closest family (even my DM forgets!).

Snappedandfarted2019 · 04/03/2019 07:54

Me and friends stopped buying presents and cards especially when we had families of our own, no fallout just happens we did exchange card and present on our 30s but that was it.

AppleKatie · 04/03/2019 08:11

Are you my friend? If so, I love you but we weren’t seeing each other on your birthday and I’m really skint... obv don’t get me anything either

Charley50 · 04/03/2019 08:45

I occasionally give and receive presents to friends, but I'd love to stop fully tbh. It's wasteful, it's clutter, and as we get holder we all get quite fussy about what we like, so it can be quite difficult as well.

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