Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice on should this be annoying me? Why is it annoying me!

32 replies

Keba123 · 23/02/2019 14:02

So I had a baby 6 weeks ago
Baby great no bother
Good sleeper etc
So my partner started a new job 2 weeks after I had baby
He starts work everyday at 2.30pm and finishes at 11pm
From the morning I just can't seem to get in a rythem with baby,
Like we will will wake up come down stairs have a bottle /cuppa he lies in bed till about 10 which is fair enough he's been at work late the night before .... But then gets up makes himself a huge breakfast mess in kitchen ,shower , go to gym come back another shower like I can't move for him... I just get the feeling it would be easier if he was working 9-5, i try and make bottles he's faffing on in the kitchen making food or something else which doesn't help me and baby,, I try and get baby down for nap he's starts blending or watching YouTube loudly, why do I feel like I just want him to go to work!! I love him very very dearly so it's not that I just don't want him here I just want to get in some sort of routine with baby? Aibu

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 23/02/2019 14:03

What parenting and domestic work is he doing?

Original poster
Keba123 · 23/02/2019 14:06

Another thing ! I try to keep house warm it's such a cold house u have close a door after you like to keep heat in
He just breezes in and out leaving doors wide open so house is freezing gas bill huge
Leaves cups lying around
Smoke fucking alarm going off because instead of just having a fucking bowl of cereal he INSISTS on cooking a healthy breakfast i.e fucking avacardo . Spinach. Mackral.
While I'm lucky to ram a cocopops bar down my throat in the morning arrrghhhh

OP posts:
Original poster
Keba123 · 23/02/2019 14:07

Domestic / parenting
Minimal!
We have a older boy
I rush him to school every morning
And he stays in bed with baby.
If baby wakes he gives him bottle.and that's it.
But apart from that, zilch.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 23/02/2019 14:13

Imho it’s irritating you that he’s behaving like a single entity and only considering his needs.

Of course working odd hours means some compromise but the YouTube/blender would irritate me (truthfully probably doesn’t bother the baby but it jars when you’re trying to achieve lulling a baby to sleep).

It’s not unusual for men to carry on with their lives seemingly unaffected by a baby, it’s particularly stark when you’re doing most of the day to day care. 11pm finish isn’t that late. It’s not a night shift.

He should (at least some of the time) be getting up with you both and having breakfast with you, taking over with the baby for a bit either getting it dressed or going for a walk. Basically behaving like he’s part of a family. If he was 9-5 he’d be home and expected to have dinner with you, bath the baby or give them a bottle. His hours mean that family time is changed, not gone.

UnderHerEye · 23/02/2019 14:15

is he only making himself breakfast and not you ?

Is that the general pattern of your relationship- ie he sorts himself out and not you ? If that’s the case you need to change the dynamics of the relationship or you will breed resentment and eventually contempt, sit him down and talk to him about how you need to function as a family unit from now on, not 2 separate entities!

Loopytiles · 23/02/2019 14:18

Was he always so shit before DC1?

Hope you work FT and are not financially dependent on him.

PregnantSea · 23/02/2019 14:20

He comes through, sees you there with the baby, and makes himself breakfast but nothing for you? And then he leaves the mess for you to clean up?! That's ridiculous. I would be absolutely furious if I were you. YANBU OP. You need to sit down and have a talk about household chores and childcare. Insist that he does more. Don't put up with this. He's living like a bachelor and it's not on.

MRex · 23/02/2019 14:27

If you think about it, with his hours the day could be structured so that the morning = evening (family time) and lunchtime = dinner. Then he goes to work, but if he comes home and is in bed by midnight he can join in with you and the baby all morning, as though it were an evening. If he's in bed by midnight then he can easily get up when you're back from the school run. You should definitely be having breakfast and lunch together, so he can make those. Maybe you could have a walk together one morning, he can clean/laundry one morning while you have the baby and vice versa you do it another morning. Indulgently cuddle up on the sofa to watch a film another morning. The same way couples behave who have evenings together except you have more options because it's daytime.

Original poster
Keba123 · 23/02/2019 14:28

I'm not financially dependent on him but can I ask why you ask that?
I'm thinking I might get him to take our older boy to school from now on and he can go to gym straight from there gives me time to get turned round with baby.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/02/2019 14:42

Why doesn't he cook brunch for you? Since he's making food, it seems ridiculous that you only have a cocopops bar.

Why are you putting up with him doing nothing?

ClusterFukt · 23/02/2019 14:46

He sounds like a lodger living the life of a single man in your house.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/02/2019 14:47

I'm thinking I might get him to take our older boy to school from now on and he can go to gym straight from there gives me time to get turned round with baby.
That sounds like a good start. I think you need to work out a routine which suits you and the baby and it will be much easier to do that when he isn't there so much. To be honest though, I don't think the routine is your worst problem.

MitziK · 23/02/2019 14:50

Doing the school run might be a bit early for someone who only finished work at 11pm - I'm too wired to come straight in and go straight to bed after work, not just when I finish at 5, but even if I finish at 3/4am, it's still a good two or three hours later before I've wound down enough to think about sleeping.

As he apparently needs quite a substantial breakfast to fuel his workouts, that would add another hour or so on to the start of the day for him and you'd probably still end up left with the washing up

I'd definitely suggest that he showers at the gym afterwards, though. Partly because it would be their hot water he was using.

It's weird when somebody works different hours, especially if they haven't done it before, but if you look on it that you get your time after he leaves for work, all that's happening is that the day has been shifted.

C0untDucku1a · 23/02/2019 14:54

They are asking if you are financially dependent on him to see whether you have options.

He is a lazy and selfish parent. Sit doen together and discuss the full list of what needs to be done to run the household. Everything. Atm he is adding to the workload and doing nothing to reduce it.

Things he can do immediately:
Take older dc to school.
Make you food at the same time
As his breakfast.
Clean up after himself ffs. He isnt a disrespectful teenager.

Then really, really consider why he is doing nothing and add to the jobs he does.

C0untDucku1a · 23/02/2019 14:56

Mitz how does she get her time when he has gone to work? She can’t even leave the house! Do you mean her time is looking after the children without a selfish manchild around?

Crinkle77 · 23/02/2019 15:03

11 pm finish isn't that late but I doubt he comes in and goes straight to bed. He probably needs a couple of hours down time. Have you tried talking to him?

CostanzaG · 23/02/2019 15:04

He's being lazy and incredibly selfish. He needs to step up to the responsibility of parenting pronto.

Loopytiles · 23/02/2019 15:07

I ask because being financially independent is good when with someone useless like this, and should make it easier when you LTB.

Original poster
Keba123 · 23/02/2019 15:09

My time is zero exsistant
I look after a baby after he leaves for work
I literally don't get a minute to myself
He rolls out of bed.
He has his fancy breakfasts.
Makes me a coffee.
Which goes cold as im seeing to baby.
Then he's gym
I (struggle) to get ready
Start to tidy (as much as possible with baby)
He comes back
Makes his dinner
Shower
Work
I'm in house with baby alone
School run for me by this time
Entertain /feed/bathe/ soothe two kids
Bed time
Have thirty second shower (baby)
Bedtime for me
He comes in
Day over.

OP posts:
ScabbyHorse · 23/02/2019 15:11

YANBU
He's acting like he's single.

Original poster
Keba123 · 23/02/2019 15:11

In all honesty
I haven't spoke about it to him
Only Because i feel so emotional ATM with just having baby
I almost don't trust my own feeling I think am I being awful

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 23/02/2019 15:14

When he gets up in the morning hand him the baby and take your shower.

Crinkle77 · 23/02/2019 15:15

What does he to at weekends?

Original poster
Keba123 · 23/02/2019 15:16

So he's off Thurs and Fri works weekends
Our days off are quite nice
We have walks
Take baby places
Do shopping

OP posts:
snowdrop6 · 23/02/2019 15:19

Your lack of routine is not your problem..your dh is a lazy ass.and selfish .

Swipe left for the next trending thread