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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not let him play on his computer?

22 replies

user1471805158 · 22/02/2019 10:16

So this might sound like I'm talking about a teenage boy here, but I'm actually talking about my partner. We have no room in the house for his gaming computer so it's currently up at his mum's house. He expects me every weekend to stay over at his mum's so he can play on his game. He goes on it once our 2yr old is in bed and will stay up all night and come off it once we're up. He then spends the day snapping at everyone and falling asleep and doesn't want to do anything. I now refuse to stay with him and I stay at home with our child, it's not fair to constantly disrupt her routine. I've put up with this for about 5 months now every Friday his disappears and returns on Sunday night, he knows I hate it but doesn't seem to care. Now this weekend he's said that he's doing the same as usual when we have a big family weekend planned. Hes also constantly on his phone on youtube watching videos of people playing games. His world revolves around the game and the conputer. His excuse is that im always doing work, im a teacher and thats part of my job! Am I being unreasonable to put my foot down and say that it's not on? Because I'm getting to the point where I am sick of the games coming before his family.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 22/02/2019 10:17

One way journey back to his dm's imo....

PoachedEggOnToast · 22/02/2019 10:21

He is prioritising his game above you and your child! Like you say OP he is behaving like a 13 year old child. What does he contribute to your family?

mangolover · 22/02/2019 10:22

I'd leave him at his mums house

endofthelinefinally · 22/02/2019 10:23

He doesn't care about you or his child.
Are you ok to live like this indefinitely?
It is very unlikely that he will change.

Mumto2soontobe3 · 22/02/2019 10:24

I would be telling him to stay at his mums permanently.

Holidayshopping · 22/02/2019 10:26

Tell him to say there. Forever.

Asta19 · 22/02/2019 10:26

I usually hate it when people say on these threads "so why did you have a child with him?" but in this case I do feel it's sort of relevant! What I mean by that is, how did things work when you didn't have a child? Is the gaming a new hobby? It seems not. Did his computer used to be at home but get moved because you needed the space? He shouldn't be putting it before family time but if it was at your house, and he wanted to play it when you're working then whats the harm? I suppose I'm asking how you both got into the situation in the first place.

4point2fleet · 22/02/2019 10:26

Sounds like he either has a 'problem' with the game or doesn't value you and DD.

Needs addressing either way.

JasperKarat · 22/02/2019 10:30

Why is there no room for his computer at home? Can he not hook it up to the TV in the living room, that's what DH did before we had a house and lived in a one bed flat, it's not perfect as it meant having the keyboard and mouse on a laptop beanbag lap tray thing from ikea, you can also get software that allows PS or Xbox controllers to be used to game on a PC.

If the computer is at home it is more reasonable to play an hour here or there while you're marking, lesson planning etc after your DC is in bed. Whereas at the moment he's basically bingeing and reverting to teen behaviour back at mummy's.

Original poster

user1471805158 · 22/02/2019 10:31

Glad it's not just me then, he makes out I'm a witch for saying anything about it.

Asta19, I didn't have a child with him, biologically she's not his daughter. I left a previous relationship because of severe domestic violence when I was pregnant. Her biological father is not allowed contact with her or myself. My partner has been in her life since she was born as he has been a friend for 9 years. When we got together he no longer gamed as it took over his life. He started again last September and it's escalated from there.

OP posts:

SummerInSun · 22/02/2019 10:34

No, YANBU. If he wants to spend a couple of hours gaming at a convenient time, that's fine. Just as it would be fine to watch a favourite sport, read a book, exercise, see friends, or whatever other leisure activity he enjoys. But doing it for that long, to the extent where it is seriously impacting his family life, your marriage and his engagement with his child is a big problem. Especially if he can't skip it when there is a special alternative plan. Possibly he's got a gaming addiction? What does his mother think? Could the two of you stage an intervention?

Mammyloveswine · 22/02/2019 10:35

Omg I'm a teacher and my husband has a gaming pc. He would totally spend all his time on it if he could.

Except we have two young children so he is limited to evenings. Even then at least twice/three times a week he'll sit downstairs with me and we'll watch a film.

Absolutely ridiculous that he goes to his mum's all weekend. What happens if you bugger off for a full weekend leaving him.in charge of the 2 year old??

Can't believe his mum isn't telling him to get his backside home!

Asta19 · 22/02/2019 10:36

Ah ok, in that case then I'm with you! He himself recognised it was a problem in the past and yet he's allowing it to become a problem again. I suspect if you did have his gaming stuff at home he'd be on it all the time. If you've tried talking to him about this and it's getting you nowhere I'm not sure what else you can do other than resort to an ultimatum.

userschmoozer · 22/02/2019 10:37

Pack his stuff and leave it there, change the locks, and let him think of you as the ex witch.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 22/02/2019 10:39

He's being extremely selfish. Gaming in itself is fine, that amount of gaming is not. I'd tell him to stay at his mum's permanently too, how on earth is this stable for you and your DD?

Hoosh · 22/02/2019 10:41

Put it right back in his court. By 'not allowing him' or 'putting your foot down' you're enabling him to make you the authoritative fun-sucking baddie stopping him doing what he wants. He's acting like a sulky resentful teenager. Don't let him make you into his mean parent.

He's supposedly an adult. I'd ask him to leave because you're not prepared to live with a manchild who won't address his issues.

He knows his gaming is a problem, but it's easier for him to resent you telling him off than it is for him to tackle it himself.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 22/02/2019 10:45

Maybe he no longer feels any responsibility towards your dc?

Hoosh · 22/02/2019 10:47

I meant ask him to leave till he sorts himself out. This doesn't sound like an unsolvable situation, but the effort needs to be his. You can't do it for him.

Cheeeeislifenow · 22/02/2019 10:49

He sounds addicted to it. How can he function during the week on so little sleep from the weekend?

recrudescence · 22/02/2019 10:53

I agree with a pp, it’s time for an ultimatum - if he insists on being at mum’s every weekend then it’s game over at home. How hard that it is to do obviously depends on your individual circumstances but you’ve got to consider getting out of the relationship.

Divgirl2 · 22/02/2019 11:05

My first ever LTB!

It sounds as if he resents you and your child, time to pack his bags and let him have unlimited access to that PC... at his mum's!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/02/2019 11:20

Tell him to stay at his Mum's permanently.

Sounds like a non-relationship.

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