I want to change my life

[usernametot]

AIBU to ask for your help with small ways to make life better?

I've become lazy, my toddler DS and I don't go out most days. I miss appointments, we don't go to baby groups.
I don't look after my appearance or do anything I enjoy. I just hibernate when I feel crap.
I get impatient and don't put enough effort into my relationship.

I want to start making changes to feel better about myself. Starting with going out more (on my own and with DS), having my own social time, eating better, drinking better, finding more good shows to watch of an evening and looking after my appearance more.

These are all general - has anyone found a little thing that made their life better?

If this makes any sense- I'm clutching at straws for a fresh start next week!

A visit to the GP to talk about if you're depressed?

@SleepingStandingUp being chronically depressed for as long as I can remember but it's manageable so long as I help myself to feel better.
I'm back on the waiting list for therapy.

Thanks.

You are both missing out on Vitamin D by not going out. You must both be really bored, too.

I found it easier to have a routine with my kids when they were little. We'd do something each morning (play group or walk to the shop or library) and home for lunch then go to the park every afternoon. Bathtime was at the same time every night and so was bedtime.

I found it was easier doing that than thinking each day about what to do.

Maybe pick just one thing each day. That list you want to tackle is a lot - so today, pick going somewhere with DS, something pretty easy and fun, maybe park and cafe or chat with a friend. Take a shower, do a 7-minute workout at home. There are some on youtube that don't need any special equipment.
When I felt like you do I was actually depressed. ADs helped but so did setting a time of day when I was going to work on the project I was doing (say 10am-noon), focussing well on it for those 2 hours, and then doing whatever. So that's another idea - take a specific time each day to do something towards one of the things on your list. After 10 days you'll have done 10 things and can look back and focus on all the things you did do, not on what you didn't.

Book a short holiday or break to stay with friends away. Something to look forwards to

If you've got TV on all day then think about changing things fast - there was a programme on the radio the other day saying that language development in children was always much, much slower if there was always background noise like a television.

Have you read the book/seen the film Room? The woman in that was kept hostage in a small space with her son. Same as the family kept hostage in Austria. Why are you putting yourself in that situation when you know that getting out and about would make so much difference to you both?

Beyond that it's just willpower and planning. You have to make yourself get up and get ready so you don't miss appts. Are they medical appts? For you or DS?

February: have a diary and put everything into it. All appts, one trip outdoors in the week, one trip indoors (so park and soft play or zoo and coffee shop etc). If money is tight, a walk round the shops or to the park is fine.

March: Make some of those plans with other people so you're not just letting yourself down if you don't go.

February: Do you have any childcare? Does DS go to sleep by a set time? Make one night a week tech free. No phones, laptop etc. Watch a movie, talk, make out on the sofa.

April: Set aside one night or half day a weekend once a month to see a friend without DS.

May: Set aside one night or half day a weekend once a month to hang out with yourself!

Taking up a hobby can fill one of the above steps.

I could of wrote this myself.

I've just this week put my dd in pre school so at least she gets out.

I thought I was just be lazy but from reading this thread I think I'm depressed 🙈 my mum said it to me last week and I just laughed it off 😕

Thanks for the input everyone!

@HollowTalk it's not like Room, thank you. I work part time and DS goes to nursery and we still go out, just nowhere near as much as I'd like or as much as we used to and it's something I'm trying to change.

What do you enjoy?

In the meantime may I suggest a few things that help me?

A weekly gratitude session with your partner where you tell each other what's been good about your week

Going on my phone less. I was (am) pretty much addicted to scrolling through various sites including this one but am so much happier on the days I don't

Focusing on one or two easy lifestyle changes to make, and make them attainable so instead of "revolutionise my activities, lose a stone, always blow dry my hair and run a marathon" it might be "go for a half hour walk twice a week and baby group once a week".

Hi User, you are already on the path to improvement. Wanting to improve is the biggest step and you’re already there. Have you tried creating a manageable routine for yourself and your LO as the next practical step forward? Getting a handle on the absolute basics such as getting up/going to bed at same time everyday, factoring in enough time to prepare and eat meals first before looking at taking improvement measures will ensure you don’t get overwhelmed. I really wish you well with this.

Sorry, I had the impression you hardly left the house.

Plan last thing at night. Three things I will enjoy doing tomorrow. They can be tiny things or big things.

Review today last thing at night. Five things that were good about today. Tiny is fine.

No goals that you can do best by being in a coma, e.g. stop smoking, reduce chocolate intake, stay off phone, don't spend money, etc. Switch them to active things: eat more veg, walk outside every day, one group a week, be 15mins early for appointments, play monster chase with children.

I think that making little changes, continuously, in the right direction, is a really good idea. (You can google the compound effect.)

Maybe start by getting into a morning routine which feels good to you and allows for a shower and doing your hair/make-up or whatever. Start small and keep taking little steps. Good luck with it!

I could be you op, and I could've written your post. Work 3 days a week but on my days off I CBA with anything. I'm lucky if I get dressed some days. Chronic poor MH, but mostly not critical. I'm really anti social and find other people draining. My relationship is good though.

I don't bother with my appearance at all myself but do get my brows and lashes done and a Brazilian wax every 6 weeks or so which makes me feel better.

Watching for other tips!

Are you physically tired/ drained? Could you get some blood tests done?

Asking as you mention hibernation. I do this when zapped of all energy, but I have fatigue and a bunch of chronic illnesses.

For all of the people telling OP to “just make herself” do the things she would like to be doing — do you think she hasn’t tried that?? If you paid attention to the post you would see that’s the problem she’s asking for help with. Then there’s the person who condescendingly told her to stop keeping the TV on all day. Does it really feel that good to be superior to an internet stranger??

OP I’ve been where you are and I still am to an extent. You can’t change everything overnight. Start by working on ONE thing per day and then, and perhaps most importantly, once you’ve done the one thing you’re not allowed to feel guilty for the rest of the day. Guilt is a killer— you would think it would be motivating but sometimes I just end up in a vicious cycle of guilt-overwhelm-inertia, repeat ad nauseam.

For me a big obstacle is taking a shower, drying my hair a bit, putting barely decent clothes on and occasionally doing a drop of makeup. But on the days that I manage to do that in the morning I end up doing a lot more the rest of the day too. It’s easier to leave the house once you’re already ready. There are still too many days when I put it off all day and do nothing but I’m trying.

No goals that you can do best by being in a coma

Love this advice, @TowelNumber42 ! I’m realising I have way too many coma goals...

Bold fail

I'm sorry to hear this. I haven't read the whole thread yet but just a quickie - drinking water can really help with energy levels and helping to feel better emotionally & physically. It sounds ridiculous and too simple but you've nothing to lose, it's easy and free! You can set reminders on phone or put up post it notes.
There are loads of other simple things as others have mentioned but just take it one step at a time and don't beat yourself up if you have an off day. Look after yourself x

Yes to the water! I actually managed to drink a lot more for 2 days and felt a bit more energetic, but then I kind of forgot and slipped back into old habits.

I suggest you take large doses of vitamin D supplements while you ask your GP for a blood test. Search the threads on here about what a difference it makes. New mums are prone to being deficient.

This sounds a lot like me not that long ago. I was in a dark place.
I think everything started to change the moment I actually became aware of it, like you're doing now.

I spoke to some of my friends about it but to be honest it didn't really feel like they understood me, I felt like I was talking to the wall, one of them told me to go to my GP and I did but honestly the only thing he suggested was to medicate me for depression.

I didn't really want to take that path, It didn't feel like I was actually working on the source of the problem.

Finally one day I spoke about how I was feeling to my older brother and what had happened. He suggested and also convinced me to see someone that one of his friends had gone with and recommended. The company is called Newro Coaching & Hypnotherapy. Although I never thought I was would ever spend money on coaching or any kind of private treatment, it's been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've been going for 3 and a half months now and I can tell you I'm doing a lot better at work and with my little girl, I feel like im improving in every area of my life and I wish more people could have access to this kind of help. I don´t know where you are based but I´m seeing them in Bristol, I think they have services in London as well. I hope you find the support you are looking for, it´s definitely worth reaching out and finding someone who can help.

Wishing you all the best,
Lili

I wasn't being condescending when I told her about the problems of having the TV on all day. There was a Woman's Hour programme where they were talking about the link with poor language and communication skills.