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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave him due to HIS insecurities

42 replies

wildone03 · 11/01/2019 12:36

So my Fiance thinks I'm be cheating on him.. Im 100% not and i wouldn't. I've reiterated this many times to him.

I know this is not about me. He's feeling REALLY insecure about himself at the mo and is in self sabotage mode.

If im not at work im with him and/or my DD. I work with all men and i know he doesn't like that but i love my job and its not something i'm willing to compromise on to make him feel secure. He either trusts me or his doesn't right?

I hate being accused of something I'm not doing and i would not do.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 11/01/2019 12:37

YANBU. You don't need a reason to leave someone

NotANotMan · 11/01/2019 12:40

His behaviour is actually abusive and if he isn't abusive in other ways YET then he will be.
You absolutely should leave him. You cannot live like that.

Original poster
wildone03 · 11/01/2019 12:41

He is the love of my life both me and my DD adore him but im sick and tired of this coming up every few months i don't know how many more times i have to say that i wouldn't do that to him for him to actually believe it.

OP posts:
UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 11/01/2019 12:41

You can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2019 12:42

Sure he's not projecting?

He's behaving appallingly, it's controlling and horrible.

It's not a good environment for you or your daughter. Don't marry him.

veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 11/01/2019 12:43

He either trusts me or his doesn't right?

Correct.

If you wanted to cheat on him you'd find a way even if all your colleagues were women: friends, friends' partners, the milkman, whatever. So leaving your job wouldn't actually help. You'd have to change everything about your life and you'd end up not being able to leave the house unaccompanied.

If he wants to marry you he needs to get a grip. Does he ever recognise at all that he's being unreasonable about this or does he just think it's up to you to accommodate his paranoia?

Lucked · 11/01/2019 12:43

Only bit of dating advice ever given to me by Mum was never go with anyone who is jealous or possessive. As a young teen I didn’t grasp the seriousness of those traits but now as an adult I understand how dangerous and damaging they can be so yes I think this would be a deal breaker for me.

90percentvodka10percenthuman · 11/01/2019 12:45

Leave. It will only get worse. You can’t fix him and he is just going to make your life progressively more miserable.

Seniorschoolmum · 11/01/2019 12:46

It depends. If he’s insecure but not expecting you to change because it’s your career, your income and you love it, then that can be worked on.
But if his insecurity means he expects you to give up, then I’d leave. That’s controlling & over the top imo.

Original poster
wildone03 · 11/01/2019 12:48

He's defiantly not cheating himself. I trust him 100%.

He literally just feels so shit about himself its like he feels he's not good enough for me so i must be looking elsewhere.

OP posts:
Potplant · 11/01/2019 12:50

It's a way to control you, my ex was like this.
He'd storm off at parties if I was talking to another man
He'd cause a big fuss about me going out with friends, away on work trips, pretty much anything that didn't involve him.
I 'compromised' to keep him happy and ended up with no friends I knew independently of him, no social life that didn't involve him and a whole list of men I barely speak to just in case.

I never looked twice at another man and wouldn't have and trust me, I'm no supermodel.

It's no way to live.

Original poster
wildone03 · 11/01/2019 12:50

he's never asked me to leave my job but has said a couple of times he's not happy about me working with all males. I've just said nothing i can do about that and conversation is over.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildone03 · 11/01/2019 12:52

he's only like this when he feels shit about himself. Other than that he's fine. He's looked after my DD when i go out for work do's a few times with no issues at all.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 11/01/2019 12:56

Is he her dad?

cushioncuddle · 11/01/2019 13:04

You can't fix this only he can.

You can't change something in your life to make him less paranoid as he will just find the next thing to link it too.

I would probably need him to look to fix his low self esteem and paranoia. He needs to seek counselling or medication for his anxieties.

If he's not prepared to face his mental health difficulty then yes I would leave if I was you.

It's very sad that probably something or someone in his past has caused him to feel so worthless.

Original poster
wildone03 · 11/01/2019 13:07

No he is not my DD's dad. Her dad is still a big part of her life but she does adore and love my DF.

It's very sad that probably something or someone in his past has caused him to feel so worthless. This is exactly it he was with an ex for 16 year and she broke him so bad.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/01/2019 13:09

He is NOT the love of your life. If he were, he would never be manipulating and abusing you. I guarantee his gaslighting and attempts to control you will only get worse. Run for your life.

Duchessgummybuns · 11/01/2019 13:09

If he’s making you unhappy then leave. Accusing you of cheating because he feels shit about himself is abusive and there’s no excuse for it. He could well be projecting, or just a deeply unpleasant person.

UpAndDown89 · 11/01/2019 13:12

Don’t feel sorry for him. Jealousy is a nasty, controlling trait and you should walk away. He will be using his so-called insecurities to control you, to control what you do and who you can be friends with. Don’t care where those insecurities come from but it’s not and should not be your problem.

MistressDeeCee · 11/01/2019 14:41

I would leave. I'm a strong believer that life really, really is too short to waste time on relationships that don't bring you love, peace and contentment. What's the point?

I wouldn't care less what the reasons are for his supposed insecurities - I think men like this just manifest scenarios so they can be a pestilence to women. "I feel shit about myself" whilst doing sweet f.a to resolve it, but ensuring to get on partners' nerves about it, is the oldest control trick in the book.

As for ex who 'broke' him so bad, she probably had enough of his bullshit eventually and bailed out so it would (deservedly) break him, wouldnt it.

& I wouldn't have that negative energy around a child, either. Children have ears and sensitivity and will pick up on how a man speaks to and treats their mother.

PurpleAndTurquoise · 11/01/2019 15:03

OP this sounds like the start of an abusive relationship. He could get more and more controlling of you. Personally I think you should think about getting out.
Do some research on domestic abuse/narcissistic personality.

Original poster
wildone03 · 11/01/2019 21:04

Hes not abusive ot controlling just very insecure right now and i struggle to deal with this

OP posts:
jacks11 · 11/01/2019 21:24

Absolutely correct re the trust thing OP- he either needs to trust you or act on his suspicions and end the relationship. Constantly accusing you of having an affair is not right or fair.

I could not tolerate that sort of behaviour- and did end a relationship with someone who had trust issues. He would make accusations/insinuations quite frequently over the last few months of our relationship despite having no evidence. The final straw was when I found out that he snooped through my phone/computer etc as he was convinced I was having an affair. He found nothing suspicious (because there was nothing to be suspicious about) but he was then immediately suspicious about the fact that there was nothing to find! I must have been clearing my phone etc so that there was nothing. Or I had another phone he didn't know about etc etc. I ended that relationship because I could not tolerate the invasion of my privacy, the undercurrent of distrust and the accusation. I also felt that he really couldn't think that highly of me- he must have believed me to be thoroughly selfish, dishonest and unkind. Why stay with someone who thinks those things about you?

If you want to try and work through this then I think you need to have a serious conversation about your relationship. Tell him that you cannot carry on if he is going to continually accuse you of having an affair- it either stops or the you'll end the relationship. It may well be rooted in his insecurities but his behaviour is an attempt to control you so that he feels better- this isn't fair to you. It also sets a terrible example to your daughter. Add in to that- what does that say about the type of person her thinks you are?

NotANotMan · 11/01/2019 21:32

If his 'insecurity' leads him to control you then he is abusive.

jacks11 · 11/01/2019 21:33

He may not be consciously/deliberately setting out to be controlling. But making these accusations, making you feel like this is your fault ("I don't know how to handle it") etc is incredibly manipulative.

He's made it very clear that he doesn't want you working in a job you love because there are too many men there. You haven't caved in, but you do seem to think he would gladly let you leave a job you love to keep him happy? This man doesn't put your happiness very up his priority list, does he?

He is attempting to control your behaviour, what you do, where you work and who you associate with by making accusations that you are having an affair. You feel sorry for him as he is in "self-sabotage" mode.