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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To growl at her kids in front of my 5yr old

21 replies

Ripeberry · 19/06/2007 23:00

Hi, My daughter has made a new friend who is 7yrs old and today my dd was invited to said friends house for tea.
I went to collect her and sat at the table waiting for my dd to finish so we could go home and have dinner and so that i could get to work.
Anyway, whilst there the kids were a bit boisterous, because i was there and the mother was just growling at them and going to a wallchart and saying they were going to have a "black mark" for being naughty i suppose.
My poor dd was a bit scared and kept asking if she was going to get a black mark.
Grief, she only met the mum properly today.
I was also a bit put-off by the daughter showing me round the house which is the size of a small hotel, not kidding, there must have been at least 8 bedrooms and acres of land.
You could have fitted my house in there 3 times over.
They just feel out of my league, would i be unreasonable if i stopped by dd going to their house and just invite the friend to ours?
AB

OP posts:

cornsilk · 19/06/2007 23:03

Yes you are being unreasonable! The mum could have had an absolute nightmare with her child and your dd - have you never experienced that? I know that I have. What's the size of the house got to do with anything?

fireflyfairy2 · 19/06/2007 23:03

I used to have a friend like this at school

They had ponies & stables & race dogs etc.. They lived a different life to me.

I remember going to visit & they all had so much work to do. Her mam even made me chops wood for the fire. Their house was massive too & they weren't allowed to talk at the table.

I remember her taking money out of her pocket in school, all sellotaped together as the rattling made her mum angry.

Anyway, I don't know what that has to do with your post...it just kinda spewed out of me there

I still remember my mam telling me my friend was welcome at our house but I was never allowed to go back again, I was scared stiff & I was about 12 at the time!

hatrick · 19/06/2007 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

newlifenewname · 19/06/2007 23:07

So, is the problem the fact that the mother growls or that she has a large house?

what sort of a growl was it?

Sounds like there was some considered parenting going on with the chart - even though I myself dislike reward charts.

What would she do though, if not dealing with boisterous behaviour for fear of upsetting others' sensibilities. I imagine she thought the boisterousness was worse than her own growling.

I don't get this so don't know if YABU. Suspect you might be though.

Original poster

Ripeberry · 19/06/2007 23:08

Its not because they have a large house, its just they are a different class altogether.
The kids are taught that all sugar is basically evil but they let them have sweeteners and fruit sugars.
They are just SO strict, she was even scaring me!
Supposed its because i hardly know her, maybe if i mix with her a bit more i might be OK.
Nothing against their house, its just to illustrate the difference in our lifestyles.
AB

OP posts:

cornsilk · 19/06/2007 23:10

But if you stop your dd going to her house because her friend has a different lifestyle aren't you limiting her experiences?

newlifenewname · 19/06/2007 23:11

yebbut, what else was she doing apart from harping on about the wall chart that makes you consider her strict?

More info needed!

Tortington · 19/06/2007 23:12

you can draw the line between your childs friends and yours. my kids have lots of friends - i dont befriend their mothers.

TooTicky · 19/06/2007 23:35

Was it one of those hard-to-explain instinct things? I get those sometimes.

tuppy · 20/06/2007 09:25

Think you need to speak to your dd, now that she knows she isn't going to get a black mark ! Maybe overall she enjoyed herself; ask her. If not, then maybe back off a bit, though yes a reciprocal invitation might let you get to know the friend a little better on your home turf.

Oh, and if you were living in a large house and her friend in, say, a small flat, would you still feel "out of your league" ? Tbh you need to relax a bit imo.

Speccy · 20/06/2007 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SSSandy2 · 20/06/2007 09:36

are you worried about how strict she'll be towards your own dd when she's there and the tone of voice the dm might use towards your own dd? If so, yes it's ok to not let her go there, just invite the others to your home.

If you think the whole approach to parenting goes against your grain, I don't find it unreasonable to steer away from them either.

However, if it's mainly because they are wealthier and it makes you feel unsecure, perhaps you just need a bit more self-confidence? Maybe give it a bit more time and spend longer there so you get a better feel for the family.

NineUnlikelyTales · 20/06/2007 09:38

It would be a shame if you only allowed your DD to socialise with children from similar backgrounds because of feelings of inferiority. You and your DD are as good as the next person regardless of their lifestyle and that is an important lesson for her to learn.

Does your DD want to visit again? I would let her decide. If she feels uncomfortable because of the discipline, etc she will let you know.

SSSandy2 · 20/06/2007 09:40

INsecure! sorry

herbiemom · 20/06/2007 10:10

My best friend's mum at this age was really scary and strict. I was sick at their house once and she made me clear it up and was really cross with me - I was only 7!

But - I would have been really upset if my mum had stopped me from going there as I really loved my friend (still do 30 years later!!). I think you need to see how your DD feels and let her decide if she wants to go there again.

potoftea · 20/06/2007 10:15

If your daughter is invited back again, and wants to go, then you should let her.
You don't have to become friends with the other mother at all.
If the other mother is that strict and scary, it will probably make your dd appreciate you and her home more!

Blu · 20/06/2007 10:23

How would you feel if through the grapevine you heard that the other Mum didn't want to invite your dd again because she 'is scared' and 'can't cope with the rough and smooth of family life and her star chart system' and that 'she's a different class from us and lets her child eat sweets'? Outraged? yes of course, and rightly so!

Children make all sorts of independent relationships with different people, and understand that different houses have different rules. And excellent experience it is to. If your dd wants to go again, let her go again, happily. If she doesn't, don't make her. She is the one who will decide if she can cope with the growling!
And I guess discipline is differnt with a 7 year-old. If she has a good time there, encourage the friendship.

elesbells · 20/06/2007 10:28

i think at 7 your dd is old enough to decide if she wants to be this other girls friend. if your dd is scared of her mum that much then she wont want to go there again. as others have said, you dont have to befriend the mother...we all have our own ways of bringing up our kids..i would not discourage your dd just let her decide.

LaBoheme · 20/06/2007 10:45

The world is a big place - how will she learn to integrate and hold her own with people from different backgrounds if she never spends a bit of time with them out of her comfort zone? I keeping her away you may be instilling your fears in her instead of explaining to her that some people do things differently..
so I think yabu I'm afraid

mumeeee · 20/06/2007 10:53

Yes you are being unreasonable. If your DD wants to go agsin then let her.

Ellaroo · 20/06/2007 11:02

There would be outrage if someone came on here and posted that they were proposing stopping their child from going somewhere because they felt a bit put off because the person's house was quite small! Hope she is less judgemental when she sees your house.

However, that aside, perhaps the mum is having to do the whole black mark thing to try and keep her children in line - often if you're in the middle of trying to implement a new system to try and improve behaviour/encourage potty training/encourage trying new foods etc it can come across as being a bit bizarre to someone who happens to come into it half way through. However, do feel for your poor dd thinking that she might get a black mark - do you think that she is overwhelmed by the age difference and hence how their mum might be talking to them because of them being a bit older?

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