To be harbouring thoughts of using Mallett's mallet right now?

[FloralBunting]

I came to bed ages ago. I even turned out the light and put my phone down.

And now it's gone 1, and I am wide awake because my DP is snoring like freight train on the pillow next to me.

I've nudged. I've prodded. I've said out loud "For the love of Pete, shut up". And he is still going.

It's at the mildly hysterical stage of wanting to smack him over the head with things now.

Mallet’s Mallet is too soft, you might as well use a pillow. Do you have anything else handy? Sexy slippers with high heels to inflict maximum damage? Perhaps a wrecking ball under the bed?

Nope? Hmmm....

I have a Mallet's Mallett ( Pinky Punky) lol

Look at him, say BLEURGH........

Failing that REALLY loud cough and accidental boot as you innocently turn over.

Honestly, I think I was definitely holding back with Mallett's mallet. I'm swiftly moving into planning a grisly murder. My table lamp is close to hand and looks heavy enough to work miracles of peaceful quiet...

You tried the holding his nose till he gasps/ semi wakes up and gets out of his REM/ snoring technique yet?

Sorry used REM incorrectly there but yeah

Jump him

I was thinking about holding his nose but wondered if that would be really mean. Still, I've already slapped his shoulder a few times, so it's escalating quickly.

nah, holding his nose isn't that bad! He'll probably not even remember you doing it in the morning if he's that deep asleep!

Tried it. He made this awful guttural sucking noise and farted. My night is not improving.

You can buy stuff from the chemist which he can spray in the back of his mouth at bedtime to stop or reduce snoring. Mine uses it and I recommend it.

Haha, sorry Floral but that did amuse me! Other than rolling him out of bed I've got no other suggestions than getting him this first thing in the morning..