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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU to this child?

28 replies

lborgia · 24/06/2018 03:14

DS 9yr old going to birthday movies with 6 friends. The kid he's known longest was a bit scary as a smaller child, letting himself out of the car before ive finished parking etc..

Have not been responsible for him in the last couple of years, bit he ran and jumped in the front of the car, and refused to get in the back. When he saw where we were going, old movie house not flash new cinema hello shouted about wanting to go to the "cool" cinema, shouted over my order of drinks to say" no I'm having extra large Coke".. ad nauseum. I tried giving him special treatment, he leapt at the chance to do stuff like hand out straws etc (asked to help so I went with it), He then started being really mean to one of the other kids.

Having said a couple of time he didn't have to see the movie of he didn't have to i kind of snapped, and said I was taking him home if he didn't stop. He r stopped. To much?

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 24/06/2018 03:51

Of course not too much! The kid needed telling and you were the adult in charge, no need to feel bad unless you yelled it in his face or something.

That said, do be careful about threats you can't carry out - could you have dragged them all out of their movie to deliver that boy home if he didn't stop? I can imagine saying that and then regretting it massively!

Laserbird16 · 24/06/2018 03:54

Perfectly reasonable if you can follow through. No one is entitled to be a jerk

Original poster
lborgia · 24/06/2018 04:16

Thanks, yes, my husband and eldest were there too.. so could've done it, but relieved I didn't have to. My ds would've been really upset, and I get the feeling that something is up with this child/ his family. I know his mum gets very bad depression, and his dad is very charming bit I've seen him being a massive twat to her.. but I wasnt thinking that at the time...

I know my kids are somewhat weird in their manners, I've always been really hard on them about that so I'm not as easy going as some. I did pretty well with the others, and coped with all the shouty excitement, but my fuse is pretty short. I was clear, but did not shout, or get in his space.

I'm crap with kids.

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 24/06/2018 04:21

Sounds like you're ok with kids Smile. He calmed down, you went the cinema, nothing bad happened, result!

AjasLipstick · 24/06/2018 04:45

You don't sound crap to me! You're sensitive enough to think of giving the troublesome child a special job....not everyone thinks of that. Of course you said the right thing.

Skittlesandbeer · 24/06/2018 04:54

OP, I have similar moments where I double-guess my behaviour with unruly kids. I am firm with my own, and not used to brat behaviour. I forget ahem... how differently some people parent.

Found myself helping out at a classmate birthday party last weekend. 25 mainly boys (I have a girl), trapped inside a tiny pavilion after a rainstorm drove us inside. The planned laser-tag activity Hmm went ahead inside said pavilion. Absolute mayhem. Frazzled party mum would suggest a game, gang of kids would find a way to sabotage. Karaoke microphone got stuck into the cordial jug. Bowl of popcorn thrown at her in handfuls, ground into carpet.

The rumble inside me started deep. In the depths of my Italian Mumma heritage. By the time it got to the surface it was fairly magnificent (if I do say so). I flipped the switch on the power board. Music, laser-tag, everything stopped. In 10 minutes I had the floor cleaned, apologies dealt out to Party mum, party table sorted and an orderly queue for sausage rolls. No one looked overly traumatised, the party mood got reset from manic chaos to crazy fun. I swear the kids looked happier after than before. Some parents just seem to believe that bad behaviour is ‘inevitable’. I say kids actually crave limits, and need us to set them. Firm, and fast.

Other lesson? Always stock wine for parents at kids parties. She needed one, and I earned bloody one.

You aren’t crap with kids (and you know it). Your short fuse is with bad behaviour, and you’re level-headed in your responses. But then I would say that. I’m the Shouty Sausage Roll Lady.

Copperbonnet · 24/06/2018 04:54

So the child misbehaved and you set clear boundaries and consequences.

Why are you doubting yourself?

I’d have set them as soon as he complained about which cinema. I don’t put up with rude or badly behaved children.

emmyrose2000 · 24/06/2018 04:55

YANBU

bit he ran and jumped in the front of the car, and refused to get in the back
Was the car moving at the time? I'd have taken him back inside and told his parents that he wasn't coming at tall. Actually, I'd have done that anyway once he refused to get in the back.

Uncreative · 24/06/2018 05:00

@Skippttlesandbeer

I think I love you, Shouty Sausage Roll Lady.

Skittlesandbeer · 24/06/2018 05:29

@Uncreative

Do you think there’s a future in hiring myself out? Will work for prosecco? Grin

Whereismumhiding2 · 24/06/2018 05:42

YANBU he was ruining your DS's birthday party for everyone. I would have done same. Glad he changed his behaviour.

Whereismumhiding2 · 24/06/2018 05:45

@Skittlesandbeer
I'd happily have paid 2 bottles of prosecco for a birthday party order Major when my DC were little!

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/06/2018 06:04

You’re not crap with kids at all. You’re perhaps saying that as a defends mechanism because you don’t want to be shouted down by people over the internet. Grow some confidence in your abilities. You did pretty much everything right.

Original poster
lborgia · 24/06/2018 06:18

Mm, not too worried about being shouted down here, just realise that it's not really his fault.. were still in the middle of it and I'm hiding at the moment. Thanks for the support, the moving car was another occasion, and I was parking outside his house, so just gave him to his mum and ran.

Both his parents have turned their phones off, I had offered to take them all home but they didn't know...

OP posts:
LimeCheesecaker · 24/06/2018 06:23

YANBU at all! You did everything right.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/06/2018 06:26

Skittlesandbeer - brava! Excellent management skills!

Iborgia, I agree with the rest, you handled it just fine - you got the desired outcome, he stopped being an arse and settled down and there were no tears or kick-off - well done!

honeyishrunkthekid · 24/06/2018 06:31

You actually sound really great with kids. I think you did the right thing. And it worked! So winning all round. And the kid still got a treat and special treatment (genius idea about the straws and being helpful) so don't worry op.

toomuchtooold · 24/06/2018 06:41

You did the kid a favour. Acting up so bad that he never gets invited anywhere isn't going to make him happy. Maybe next time he'll behave appropriately without needing prompted.

something is up with this child/ his family. I know his mum gets very bad depression, and his dad is very charming bit I've seen him being a massive twat to her

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors etc but that sounds a lot like how things would appear if that woman were a victim of domestic abuse. If you can be a friend to her and the wee boy I think you would be doing a very good thing.

BrexitWife · 24/06/2018 06:50

If this was my child who behaving like that and you had brought him back home, I would have profusely apologised for the inconvenience. In my eyes, you would have done the exact right thing.
No way that I would have been happy my child to spoil everything for another child's Birthday and make it so hard work for the parents.

You’ve done well. You have handled the child well. There is issue at all there.

I do wonder why you think you are just crap with Children though. I suspect a backstory.

WhiteWalkerWife · 24/06/2018 06:51

His parents are both not contactable? Are you supposed to drop him to a possibly empty house? Ywnbu at all, he needed to be told.

Petrolismygas · 24/06/2018 07:21

You sound great, he was probably enjoying a bit too much freedom - not that that's any excuse for being a shit.

It is hard to police other people's kids but imagine what could've happened if you didn't. Someone needs to be the parent.

Original poster
lborgia · 24/06/2018 07:55

Thanks for all of that, it does help. I suppose the back story is just that I know I'm a "stickler" for manners, and often think I've been too rigid with my own kids. I grew up in an almost Victorian household. Both boys have sensory problems and I'm pretty sure that comes from me; I hate noise, rudeness, and feel both anxious and far too old fashioned in this sort of situation.

Never again! The kids might not be scarred, but I always feel I'm just the wrong person to look after a band of excitable kids!

My son has just told me it was his best birthday ever, and everything was perfect, so he's fine, and I'll focus on that.

Thanks again for all the encouragement, does help.

OP posts:
Barmypastrami · 24/06/2018 08:32

I remember I used to hate the permissive teachers at school who couldn’t control the kids. The naughty ones would then just ruin any fun activity we were doing. Firm but not unkind or abusive is always best, and that’s just what you were. People, and especially children, instinctively warm to others with firm but not rigid boundaries. And best of all your son had a great time.

You’re style of parenting sounds fine. As they become teens, I’ve had to be a bit more explanatory about stuff, and offering more choices than, ‘this is how things are’.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 24/06/2018 08:39

Good on you! You were doing everyone - including this kid - a favour!

Aeroflotgirl · 24/06/2018 08:44

You were right, he sounds rude andvibpilite. I wish she called his mum to collect him. Never again with this boy.