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AIBU?

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Original poster

Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

638 replies

Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 11:32

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

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Marriedwithchildren5 · 02/05/2018 11:40

All sounds a bit dodgy and one sided (his side) Don't be embarrassed. Sometimes in life you need to look out for yourself and not worry who has the moral high ground. I'd confront without a second Thought!

Jaxtellerswife · 02/05/2018 11:41

Honestly I'd just talk to him straight away.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 02/05/2018 11:45

How sticky?
Seems he is lining up your replacement.

maras2 · 02/05/2018 11:51

Go with your gut instinct and nip this in the bud.

Trinity66 · 02/05/2018 11:53

Why does he have her scarf is what I want to know?

GorgeousJaws · 02/05/2018 11:56

I'd be confronting him, absolutely.

No embarrassment either, he's potentially showing you right up.

Ask him what the scarf is in regards to, where is it and why does he have it?

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 12:04

Quite a sticky patch, where he’s not been sure if his commitment. Sad

Thanks. One of the embarrassing things is that I did get a bit paranoid after his crush on a work colleague some time ago, and used to get jumpy when his phone pinged or at his social media comments. Turned out in the end I wasn’t imagining stuff him and work colleague were being very flirty. After counseling he said he’d leave his phone unlocked to regain my trust. After we ‘got through it’ one of the things I realised was my heightened paranoia wasn’t great for me, and he felt he wanted his privacy back. As he hadn’t slept with work colleague I just thought, yeah, you are right, stop looking over your shoulder woman!

Quite ashamed I’ve peeked again.

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Neverseen · 02/05/2018 12:07

You shouldn't be ashamed. He sounds like a right bell and you should tell him you what you saw on a page he left open. Did he know this woman before social media or was she a random add?

FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2018 12:13

Do you have kids? If not, I'd simply bail on this one. He's not committed to you and has a cheaty streak a mile wide. If he hasn't been unfaithful, he will at some point - he's just not nice.

It must feel like shit being with him. You don't need to confront him, you could just make plans to get rid.

NobodysChild · 02/05/2018 12:14

How did your husband get her scarf? I'd take the next opportunity to have another peek at his messages. I'm sure her boyfriend wouldn't have a clue she was arranging a coffee meet with a man she's only just met, who somehow has her scarf. Seems to me that your DH is enjoying the attention from this other woman and is chasing her. You can either confront him with what you know already or bury your head in the sand and allow things to continue, maybe escalate into something more?. Personally, I'd be confronting him and asking how the hell he ended up with her scarf. Have you seen this scarf or has he kept it hidden from you? Sounds very suspicious to me.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 12:14

That’s the thing, to have been the first friend added, as soon as he made his profile, it couldn’t have been a random add. There are no mutual friends either, with her and anyone else he knows.

He kept trying to justify going back on social media to me before as it was because of this x interest.

Feeling very foolish. I know I should confront him but also know last time I confronted him about work colleague, years ago, he shut down his social media and moved their communication onto another App. So it took me months to realise he was still communicating.

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Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 12:16

Yes we have kids. One very young one and one older.

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Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 12:17

No, never seen this scarf!

No idea who this woman is either.

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Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 12:18

Agree @fizzy nobody never
He’s chasing her.

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Branleuse · 02/05/2018 12:18

His foot is half out the door. What a prick.

Ansumpasty · 02/05/2018 12:19

I’d be very concerned (and angry!). YANBU

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 12:21

Well he’s looking to find someone else isn’t he? It’s glaringly obvious.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 12:21

Thanks posters. Ironically I got upset last weekend as a mutual friend was pregnant. I told him it made me sad as work colleague crush happened while I was pregnant. Many years ago I know. But messages happened on Monday!

They are meeting up this week, Friday I think, for coffee.

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lardymclardy · 02/05/2018 12:21

YANBU or over reacting. You certainly shouldn't feel ashamed. Instinct is often right. I don't have any advice as only you know the situation, but if it were me, I'd be pretty gutted and suspicious.

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 12:22

Oh and you’re UNDERreacting.

Idontdowindows · 02/05/2018 12:23

I'm sorry, but he's either already straying, or is planning to.

His behaviour is highly inappropriate. You cannot trust him at all, as you've found.

I would be packing suitcases.

FASH84 · 02/05/2018 12:25

He's hiding this from you, people don't hide friends. Where has he said he'll be Friday when they're meeting?

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 12:28

It’s midday so he’ll be ‘at work’.

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Wallywobbles · 02/05/2018 12:28

If you can I'd be watching the money up. Can j have the coin.

cakecakecheese · 02/05/2018 12:31

I'm concerned that you describe your feelings when he was pretty much having an emotional affair as paranoia, they weren't, they were justifiable hurt feelings. And now he's doing it again. Even if it is 100% totally platonic he's hiding this from you which just isn't on, particularly given what he's done in the past.