Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

[FASH84]

Can you suggest meeting for lunch Friday, and see if he lies? If he says oh I'm meeting Jane my friend from extreme stamp collecting for coffee as she left her scarf at the stamp club, that's different than if he lies. I think you know what he'll do but this would confirm it.

[BrendasUmbrella]

I'd wonder if he took her scarf "accidentally on purpose" to give him a reason to contact her and arrange a meeting...

You seem to be stuck with a life partner who keeps an eye out for other prospects, that can't be an easy thing to live with. This particular girl may not bite, but if one does in future what happens to your home, the children, etc, etc. If the counselling you had then didn't teach him to value what he has, it probably never will.

A good first move might be to look at your finances, house, work, kids - would you do alright without him? It's a scenario you may have to face at some point, so make sure you'd be alright now while you have the luxury of time at least.

[LivingHeart]

I wouldn't just "turn up". what would it achieve, as you say might just drive it underground and might get better at cover his tracks. I'd just snoop a bit longer. Think a bit longer. And get your ducks in a row. "talk about anything you fancy " - just yuck.

[whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2]

Your posts suggest you have been paranoid and needlessly mistrusting OP. This is not the case. He is a cheat - whether it is an emotional or physical affair.

Your mental health has been effected by his actions. You are not in the wrong. He is. This is typical of what they do to deflect away from their behavior and choices.

Go to the coffee shop. Fucking have it out then and there and make sure you split up with him. He is the worst kind of unfaithful - messing with your mental health and self worth. So so dangerous!

[Snugglepiggy]

YANBU.I'm eternally grateful to the husband who snooped on his wifes phone and found sexually explicit messages to my DH.What had started as chance encounters through work had developed into basically an emotional affair.Funnily enough he used to mention her in passing and I met her once and my gut instinct said trouble.And I'd never felt like that before .Previously very happy DHs platonic friends.It was when he stopped mentioning her things kicked off,so he was lying by omission. Only because he suggested counselling and cut all contact did our marriage survive.Plus it was a complete one off.Had he done it before or not been totally contrite I'd have called time and built a new life even after almost 30 years.Tbh if it was me I'd confront your DH or turn up when they are meeting.The former probably less stressful.

[LivingHeart]

and forgot to mention "turning up" could make you look unhinged - I doubt you would relaxed and happy. of course it would be embarrassing for your husband, but he could I'm sure find a way to smooth things over and act all innocent. so can't see what it would achieve...

[BrendasUmbrella]

I doubt she would actually have an affair with a man 20 years older.

It happens! It happens a lot actually. I used to be in the age bracket where friends and acquaintances were the 20 year old girl. Now I'm in the age bracket where friends are having to deal with the 40 year old husband - and the 20 year old girl.

[Nottheduchessofcambridge]

This sounds crap OP. Try ringing him at the time of the lunch/coffee date. See if he answers and see if he tells you where he is. If it’s innocent he shouldn’t have a problem telling you.

[elderflowerandrose]

I find out where he is and I would watch absolutely, I would wait quietly in sunglasses with a book and a coffee and there s no way of goods earth I would let them one pass on the wrong assumption I was being paranoid.

You are under reacting, not overreacting.

Check his phones, email accounts and every thing else. You need proof. I would also be lining up copies of household bills, finances, because you need to be prepared that you were right all along about him.

[elderflowerandrose]

them - that

[Juells]

@whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 lol love your name! Reminds me of that Rob Bryden joke...out golfing with a friend when he gets a phone call that his wife has gone into labour. Whenever he's faced with a difficult moral decision he thinks "What would Rod Stewart do?" 😂

You are not in the wrong. He is. This is typical of what they do to deflect away from their behavior and choices.

^^This.

[BrendasUmbrella]

he could I'm sure find a way to smooth things over and act all innocent

Or even use it to say "I'm so sorry about her, let me buy you dinner to make it up to you. No, don't feel sorry for me, she's not well, I'm used to it..." Don't underestimate the tools a horny man will employ.

[GymBot]

Keep watching he'll fuck up soon enough. Meanwhile get your shit together ready to go when it all comes out. Good luck.

[Neverseen]

Just because she was added straight after he made the profile doesn't mean it wasn't random - he may have seen her profile and added her. They've got no mutual friends so they probably don't know each other socially? Maybe he met her then made the profile purposely to pursue her.
All previous messages have been deleted....if that's not guilt than I don't know what is....... He's being an absolute pig towards you and it is beyond disrespectful. He's playing you like a fiddle. He's got you at home to look after him and his DC whilst he's out making a mug out of you. Nothing about this is innocent even if it isn't physical

@DairyisClosed if you're going to have an affair with someone, age won't make much difference. She might have daddy issues?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Agree the words talk about anything you fancy with a grinning emoji just made me feel sick.

[TwittleBee]

FlyingBird you could so be onto something there about the scarf! Using an excuse like "oh I still have your scarf" or leaving something behind so you have to see the person again is engrained in rom coms and sit coms! Taylor Swift even sings about it!

[Orangeblosssom3]

Update I just texted him to say I’d like to have free time this weekend, asking him to take majority care of the kids. Feel like I need time to get my head straight. He was quite stroppy saying he might need a break himself. I keep thinking, for what?

Not sure what to do about Friday. Tempted to not reveal today, see if there are more messages? Or that might be silly. Heads all over the place.

[DairyisClosed]

@neverseen it is relatively rare for women to be attracted to men that much older. It more likely that he fancies her and she thinks that he is so much older than her that the offers of lifts etc are meant in a fatherly way. It wouldn't be fair to assume that she wants to have an affair with him without something to suggest a sexuality interest.

[Orangeblosssom3]

@twittle and flying yes sadly DH used this tactic on me and his two previous girlfriends, lent us all books!

[mehhh]

Tell him you saw it and ask who she is... I'd be worried too

[TwittleBee]

Orangeblosssom3 do not reveal yet! Like PPs have said, get your ducks in a row just in case. Ensure your finances are set and you know your exit route is going to be as easy as possible. Think about who will go where etc. If I was you, I would certainly investigate more.

I remember how horrible this can be! I have been cheated on in every relationship apart from my current one ( touches wood ) And they can twist and turn it all back onto you to make you look like you are crazy! I even woke up once to see my Ex actually on Skype wanking over his "friend" but he claimed I was being deluded and it was just porn!

[mehhh]

I've just read on, definitely don't tell him yet (sorry I just read your op), get your self prepared and keep checking up

[Orangeblosssom3]

So sorry @twittle that’s awful for you. Part of me wants to confront tonight, so angry! Part of me remembers I did this when I was pregnant and I had unanswered questions that gnawed at me.