Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

Sorry not sure what that means @wally

There is no way in a million years would I be happy about this. He is taking the total p*!

How would he feel if this was you just meeting a guy you met on social media and oh you forgot - you have his scarf but meeting him Friday for a coffee!

I very much doubt he would be happy about it.

I am really sorry you are having to go through this but I would kick it all off now to not waste time and be mugged off!

If if innocent and nothing has happened its not acceptable or fair on you! And why would he want to hang out with a much younger girl???

Out of order full stop and no care for you!

That is enough to knock anyones confidence

Sending love

x

I'd straight out ask 'who's x and why do you have her scarf?'. Yanbu. He's being deceitful in not telling you 'I have x's scarf from...' honesty costs nothing.

Meeting a woman behind your back that he hadn’t told you about? That’s a red flag to me. Could it be he met her at work then joined FB as a means of communicating with her?

I’ve bedn in your position before. I didn’t confront immediately but snooped for a while so I could gather evidence. When he was due to meet her for coffee, I had a surprise day off work and asked him to meet me for lunch. He messaged her to cancel using a feeble excuse.

It got to me in the end and I confronted him about it. Good luck

Your updates: kids or no kids, yes, you need to leave.

Actually you need to leave even more for the sake of your children too. What a horrible excuse for a father.

I'd be texting him while he's there.

'Hope you got the scarf back to her ok. Yep, you've not been as discreet as you thought - either that, or more people dislike you enough to drop you in it than you probably thought! We're over, of course. Save the bullshit, I'm not bothered arguing over it - you're not good enough for me. Say hi to Scarfy for me and enjoy the coffee!'

I’ll say it before and I will say it again, please please try and get an overview of your finances, joint assets what you own etc.

I have every confidence you have no intention of leaving him or vice versa, but the guy has form and this second transgression could weaken your marriage and you want to be sure you have things in order should something be thrown up by challenging his behaviour you may not expect.

But in the here and now I think you know what is going on but you are trying to suss how to approach it so not to drive him underground.

Another poster will be along with better and less dramatic advice but I am sorry this is happening to you again and it may be worth considering whether you can rebuild trust with someone who’s broken it twice now.

Sounds dodgy as all hell.

Could you try and find the aforementioned scarf before you say anything to him? Then see what he says when you show him a scarf you found in his car or wherever it is.

I think I would be accidentally turning up at this coffee shop at midday on Friday. I probably wouldn't mention having seen the messages yet eithe, as he will be on his guard and switch to a different form of contact. At this point you only know that he has an interest in her, for all you know she may see him as a father figure with a common interest rather than a potential fling. Either way it makes him a bit of a shit and I would be rethinking my future with him.

Ps unless he’s got a penchant for wearing lady scarves I’d suspect there’s a chance they may have DTD but again that’s just me

It's lucky not a matter for embarrassment that you saw the messages. Your H is not inclined to be faithful to you, and you should make your decisions from that viewpoint. Don't be passive and hope this will blow over - it won't, and you need to take ownership by making your own plans about what you want in life.

Thanks so much Paul, fizzy, peter, biscuit and messy. Every single one of you is right, I kind of feel sick in my stomach now.

I will confront him but not yet? Worried he’ll drive it underground. Want to really know what I’m dealing with? I so hoped we were getting stronger.

@itsall yes my guess would be flirty father figure, as she has a boyfriend. Scarf thing worries me though, how the hell do you end up with a young woman’s scarf?

I'd definitely be confronting. Ask him how he's got her scarf and what's going on.
Then go from there really... ask him if he really wants to be in the marriage and if he feel its salvageable. If he thinks yes, then I'd suggest marriage counselling.
If he says no, then you need to ask him what he wants to do next. How does he want the story to end? And see if that's ok with you.

If you know where they're meeting you could turn up by 'coincidence'? Though it would be a difficult and probably very hurtful thing to go through. But if you saw them together you might get a feeling for the relationship.

Does he drive? It sounds to me like the scarf was left in his car. It sounds more like he's flirting with her, at this stage, rather than an affair. Doesn't sound like he's completely relaxed and sure of himself where she's concerned. He might be doing a lot of chasing.

I wouldn't be worrying about driving it underground. I would be telling him that he had his chance and he blew it. He should be eternally grateful that you didn't kick him out for messing around behind your back while you were pregnant .

Honestly, if it were me he would find his bags packed when he get home and would be looking for somewhere else to stay. Then it would be up to him to prove how sorry he was before he could come back.

You can't stop somebody treating you with so little respect OP. You can only decide not to put up with it anymore

@juells agree it sounds like wanting an affair. He used to court me in the early days by giving me lifts a lot.

Seriously considering turning up at their meet @flying.

Yes probably left in car but why was he driving her? Yes perhaps code. Previous messages to her have been deleted.

But then why take scarf off in car?

Dont be ashamed. As his wife you have a right to know if something isnt right. He has proved you right before so you checking up on him is warranted.

I doubt she would actually have an affair with a man 20 years older. This is probably just very one sided. In your place I would just monitor his messages and wait. If he starts staying out late/goes away overnight then you know that something is going on.

Previous messages to her have been deleted

That is a MASSIVE red flag!

btw, just a strange thought... not a hidden daughter is it? if there is a 20 year gap and she has a BF?