Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

[TwittleBee]

Orangeblosssom3 either way you will have unanswered questions, you will never be able to collect all the information you want no matter how long you snoop for or even if your H admits it all; there will still be stuff that bugs you because its horrible and exposes you. But I really would hold back a while, try and get your head in a stronger place with your finances and action plan ready just in case things do turn bad.

[Emmasmum2013]

I'd confront tonight. I don't see the point in waiting. Unless you think he's somehow going to do you out of all you're entitled to as his wife and swan off with the kids the minute you start asking questions?

You're really not being fair on yourself if you wait. It'd be torture for me.
Just take screen shots of the messages you've seen. For proof in case you need it.

People on here will be egging you on to "leave the bastard" immediately, but do try and consider that its not just that easy.

[TorviBrightspear]

it is relatively rare for women to be attracted to men that much older.

Bullshit. I'm 50, and like @BrendasUmbrella, I've seen this a lot. Saw it among friends and acquaintances when I was in the 20s, and now see it among the wives dealing with the 20 something OW.

OP, I'd echo others in getting your ducks in a row. Make sure you have copies of financial information, etc and even take time with a solicitor to find out what you'd be entitled to. You may ultimately stay with DH, but knowing this information will help you in dealing with any crap he spouts.

[NomsQualityStreets]

Do you know when and where they're meeting op? Is it a local cafe or somewhere you can "accidentally" turn up to? Might give you a bit of a clue as to what's going on based on his reaction/explanation or just seeing them from a distance and how he acts etc.
I agree with pp the fact that he deleted their messages is a massive red flag and no amount of "I did it because I knew how you'd react" bullshit will cut it here. If he's deleting he knows its wrong otherwise why would he try and hide it from you?

[MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse]

Sorry @op . I also don’t think this looks good.

YY to getting ducks in row before you confront him.

[ThisIsTheFirstStep]

Bullshit. I'm 50, and like @BrendasUmbrella, I've seen this a lot. Saw it among friends and acquaintances when I was in the 20s, and now see it among the wives dealing with the 20 something OW

Yup. When I was in my early 20s, EVERYONE wanted an older boyfriend because it marked you out as mature and sophisticated or some shit.

[TwittleBee]

it is relatively rare for women to be attracted to men that much older

Speaking as a mid twenties woman I have found myself attracted to men in their 40s. Before DH I actually had a thing going on with a work colleague who was mid thirties (who turned out to have a wife & kids!!!)

[Ohmydayslove]

Of course 20 year old men and women have affairs with other people aged 40. It’s nothing unusual.

Op this is obviously well dodgy and he’s done a bloody good job on you making it you feel you are paranoid!!! You arnt!!

Have you got a friend you could trust to observe them on Friday? In the meantime keep snooping abs detecting it’s completejy your right to know and please please check your financial situation.

[MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse]

Op this is obviously well dodgy and he’s done a bloody good job on you making it you feel you are paranoid!!

Yep. Every woman I know whose husband has cheated has said that when she was suspicious, he somehow convinced her she was going mad.

[Shedmicehugh1]

Sounds like he started his social media up again, just to add her.

He has already told he isn’t committed to you? bit late, why the hell did he not mention this before you had kids?

I really don’t get all the waiting and spying on him further. You KNOW what he is up to. He has done it before too.

[Jen10M]

Its really hard to be in your position, be strong, sending hugs! Best try and wait, try and get more evidence so he can't throw the paranoia card at you x

[RatRolyPoly]

How awful OP, how bloody awful.

Personally I know exactly what I would do. I don't know if it's right, but it's what i would do:

I would tell him we will be having a serious talk when the kids are in bed. I would remind him of the counselling we'd had, and the commitment we'd made to honesty as a condition of our moving forwards in the relationship. And I would then tell him that I knew he was not honouring that commitment.

And I would be cold, and hard, and angry, but I would be damn sure I held my nerve; and I would tell him again, I know you're not being honest with me. I wouldn't tell him what I knew, I wouldn't tell him how - not under any pressures or denials from him - but I would tell him he had one chance - TONIGHT - to tell me every single detail of his life, in the spirit of the honesty he promised me, or that would be IT. No second chances. No do-overs. He would be seeing me in court to discuss custody of the children. I would be phoning his parents and telling everyone we knew that evening exactly what he'd done and that it was over, and he would be leaving with the clothes on his back that very night if I didn't get every single shred of truth out of him.

And I'd damn well make him believe that I would know if he was still lying, even if I wouldn't have a bloody clue! And if the "truth" he told me didn't bring him to tears with fear for losing his family I would know that he was still lying. Because he would know that I meant every single word I said about blowing our family apart, and if he cared about that for even a second he would have to risk telling me every single thing he'd done (not knowing what I knew) and that doing that might break our family up anyway.

Whoops - sorry for the long self-indulgent post, I don't know if that helps; good luck whatever you choose to do.

[Wendyrichardz]

Meet a friend for coffee in the same place

[Orangeblosssom3]

@rat seriously considering a proper chat.

[Orangeblosssom3]

It’s starting to really hit me now. Yesterday I was concerned but still thought we had a marriage. Today I feel like my world has just collapsed under me. Two kids, both in our late forties, moved to DHs area because of his work, built my life in this family.

[tradervictoria]

Rat that was excellent.
Could you develop that into a self-expression workshop that any gaslighted people could attend?

[BulletWithABun]

I'd do the same as Rat. I also don't know if it's the best way, but it's definitely what I would do.

[Peterrabbitscarrots]

Don’t reveal yet what you know.

Can you get hold of his FB password and keep an eye on it remotely from your phone? If you have access to his email you can even change his FB password without logging him out on his other devices. I know this is massively underhand but it helped me get the evidence I needed when I had the same problem.

[elderflowerandrose]

orangeblossom We don't know for sure, so just try to remain open to all options. Yes it does not look ideal, but wait for the facts, and even once you know for sure. It would be wise to take some time to really think it through. It does not mean the end of everything necessarily. Maybe some adjustments definitely.

[RomeoBunny]

Send a MN spy to see what they get up to. Or a friend you can trust.

[elderflowerandrose]

orange Rat has a point, and it was a really great post especially if the wait to Friday and turning up in person with you camera phone at the ready makes your stomach churn.

It is entirely possible you have been living with a liar for years, you are going to feel ghastly, but set aside those feelings because you have to be clear about your next move. Clear about what happens if he confesses, be clear about your finances and your future.

You can't afford to panic.

[TwittleBee]

Only issue I have with Rat's way of doing it is that everyone is fully aware of this tactic now and it hasn't worked well for me in the past. I have tried it twice.

[Orangecake123]

Definitely not an over reaction.Go with your gut instincts.

[Littlechocola]

I’d wait until after Friday and see what messages say.

Him deleting messages is huge!

[Getsomesleep]

My good friend could have written this op. 25 year age gap, she’s in a relationship (engaged actually) - only real difference is the scarf- in my friends case it turned out to be a bra - and I to this day I believe it was left, hoping my friend would find it, to force his hand but he spotted it first and thought “oops, x has forgotten her bra - silly her hey” 🤔.

Show up for coffee and give her his dirty washing.