Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

[Emmasmum2013]

So has he said any more about the deed of separation or mediation?

[IsaidMrDarcynotArsey]

Hi OB3 , I have been a lurker since the beginning I am deeply troubled by his response about
“understanding your logic and never having given you the full picture “ including all of the ‘ activities’ since I am afraid I would have to know WTAF he meant by that statement. You are doing well I wish you the energy to K.O.K.O at this difficult time.

[Emmasmum2013]

Dull without that drama.
You're right, for some men they just want the chase. Once they've got their prey, the excitement is gone.

Be careful, because you rejecting him now means that you are the challenge. He now feels the need to chase you. Hence the turning up late on and telling you he wants to be with you.. he'll probably change his mind if you give in again.

And the previous poster is right. He even said he's never given you the full picture. And sadly, because of his lying you're never going to know if he is or not. Even if he says he is. So I'd be asking why he said that if he apparently loves being with you.

[Orangeblosssom3]

His behaviour is very suspect. If your wife had found a bag of condoms, surely the last thing you would do is then go away with them for the weekend!

He’s cancelled the mediation and has been busy at work, but just keeps repeating that he really loves me and that of course we need to talk but avoiding the talk. The only thing he’s said is that his family don’t agree with him wanting to stay with me. At home he’s just running around doing housework and being as perfect to me as possible. He even made breakfast for everyone this morning.

I’m trying to just keep going and due to speak to solicitors on Friday.

[magoria]

Oh dear OW just wanted some fun.

He is screwed because he told you he wanted to separate before he knew she was a sure thing.

He is back peddling like crazy.

You deserve so much better than a lousy cheat who only wants you because OW doesn't want the pleasure of washing his skiddy pants.

[Luisa27]

I don’t think this is irreversible Orange - not my call but are you sure you want it to be over?
I know he’s behaved appallingly...I just feel all may not be lost.
Maybe I’m a romantic idiot, but sending a big hug anyhow

[Orangeblosssom3]

I guess I’m worried that this is a pattern now. I don’t know what has gone on. I only know he had a woman’s scarf, was going to meet her for coffee, and has condoms in the bag that he takes to work. I’m also worried that he feels that I was being ‘obsessed’ and that he changed the lock on his phone. It’s like he views me as being part of the problem.

[Trinity66]

I guess I’m worried that this is a pattern now. I don’t know what has gone on. I only know he had a woman’s scarf, was going to meet her for coffee, and has condoms in the bag that he takes to work. I’m also worried that he feels that I was being ‘obsessed’ and that he changed the lock on his phone. It’s like he views me as being part of the problem.

It sounds like that, especially his comment about his family not wanting him to get back with you, like trying to make it sound like you're the one who has done something wrong? That's atrocious behaviour. For your own sanity you need to get away from him I think, asap

[Luisa27]

It’s so bloody hard for you

[Emmasmum2013]

@Orangeblosssom3
How do you feel? I've been here myself, and I know how hard it is to turn your back on what could be a wonderful marriage if he gets his act together and you can learn to trust him again. I mean really, even if you get together with someone new in the future, you'd have to learn to trust them. So maybe better the devil you know? I'm not of the belief that "once a cheater always a cheater" and that people never change. People make mistakes and can learn from them.. you've just got to make sure that he know that what he did was a massive mistake and not something he's "got away with"

If you want to try again with him then I'd be asking for full disclosure. Total access to his phone etc.. and to go to marriage counselling. Like you said, its like he's seeing you as part of the problem so you need to help him see that to react the way you have to the behaviour he's exhibited is perfectly normal. And actually he's lucky you haven't totally tried to cut him out of you and your life considering this isn't the first time he's done this.

If he can't agree to the above then you know that he's not really being honest in what he's saying and doing right now. He just wants to win you over and then carry on as normal.

I really do feel for you in this OP. Like I said, I've been through this myself before (the parallels are uncanny) and I know that if you want to move past this together you need total openness and honesty. And if your situation is anything like mine was, you've got a lot of weirdness to get through yet. Just keep your chin up and remember that whatever happens is totally up to you and you'll be better off, no matter what. x

[Orangeblosssom3]

I’m sorry you’ve been through this too @emmasmum it must have been pretty traumatic. Do you feel that you have a good relationship now?

I did feel heartbroken the first time, when I was pregnant. I think if he hadn’t gone onto sexting with her I’m not sure to this day he’d see it as wrong. The woman told a mutual friend even recently that I was the one ‘to stop him having any friends’! I do love him, even now, but I feel harder inside. It was DH who voluntarily told me the code to his phone last time so that he wasn’t hiding anymore. It was part of why I agreed to make another go of it. Him changing the lock after I’d discovered the coffee scarf woman rang alarms for me.

They say that you get hyper vigilant after trauma/cheating etc. I’ve definitely been like this, but got more relaxed for the last few years. Him deciding he was unsure about us in recent months turned my hypervigilance right back on again. I wonder does he tell his family I’m controlling, I don’t like him with women, I look at his phone?

The last few months he’s been going out by himself, going to coffee shops to work on projects, yet buying me flowers. Sometimes attentive, other times very happy but emotionally very distant and avoiding affection. It was what led me to think somethings up. Gosh what a confusing time.

[Emmasmum2013]

I feel like we actually have a better relationship now. I think there was a lot of not wanting to rock the boat before. Whereas now we're a lot more open and communicate better .

I learned to trust my gut a lot more (I always knew there was something wrong, but didn't want to believe it. I just wanted to ignore it and for it to go away). My gut at the moment is telling me that there's nothing wrong. There's no unusual behaviour, no cause for concern. If I did think there was in the future I'd bring it up immediately instead of bottling it up. And the same for him. He knows and has admitted that his past behaviour was because he wasn't happy. And I've accepted that too and I know there's things I could have done differently too. He knows now that its better to talk to me about that and try to do something about it between us rather than to look for other outlets that do more harm than good.

It might all go to shit again at some point in the future, but isn't that the risk you take in any relationship.. ? You never know what's around the corner regardless. I love him, and we're happy, and we kept our family together.

But I know for a fact that if he hadn't been so on board with me about what we both needed to do to bolster our foundations, then we'd be apart now. just verbally agreeing to it is not enough. You need to see proof and have that sustained.

You're in a really strong position at the moment where the ball is in your court, and the longer you take to make your decision, the clearer it will be.

[TorviBrightspear]

I might have agreed with Emmasmum2013, if this wasn't part of a pattern from your DH.

On reading teh Relationships Board, the marriages that can get through things like this seem to be where the cheater owns their mistakes and does everything they can to make it right. This includes talking, full disclosure, etc, etc.

I'm not getting that vibe here. I'm not sure you can salvage this, since his behaviour seems to be trying to brush stuff under the carpet.

[Trinity66]

I'm not sure you can salvage this, since his behaviour seems to be trying to brush stuff under the carpet.

Not only that but actually trying to make it sound like she's in the wrong

[Writersblock2]

I don’t often comment on these threads because I already feel amazing advice has been given (and it has here too), but I just wanted to comment to say you are handling this with such grace and dignity. You should be very proud of yourself. Your OH has shown you, and your relationship, zero respect.

We are all with you, OP

[Orangeblosssom3]

@writers and other posters thank you! I’m a little emotional about how much I’ve felt listened to and cared for here. I’m amazed.

I feel like I’m now able to zone in on my situation from a few viewpoints, and no longer feel ashamed about snooping. My family life is at a critical point, our lives could change forever.

The wise and balanced opinions are like a boat, to help steer me. The scarf, the coffee girl and the sordid bag full of condoms break my heart into little pieces. ThenI look at my little child asking where Daddy’s been and just feel overwhelmed with a kind of quiet ferocious protectiveness.

I don’t know exactly what future course we will have to take, but I’ll not let us be pulled under. The pain of that kind of betrayal is brutal isn’t it. I’ll need an awful lot from him to be able to live without being diminished again. I’m not sure he’s up to it and I’m not waiting around.

Thanks!

[TorviBrightspear]

I don’t know exactly what future course we will have to take, but I’ll not let us be pulled under. The pain of that kind of betrayal is brutal isn’t it. I’ll need an awful lot from him to be able to live without being diminished again. I’m not sure he’s up to it and I’m not waiting around.

Then he needs to be told exactly that, to know exactly what's at stake here.

[whatamistake]

Hi Op, how are things?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Hi whatamistake I’m enjoying the sun and about to go for a long evening walk by the river. I’m away this whole weekend, at a family event tomorrow. It’s very helpful being so physically far away, and having time just to myself too.

DH has just kept on saying how lovely I am but has avoided any conversations about the realities. I think he wanted a romantic warm reunion, without having to explain. It’s sad however his actions can’t be just ignored. He has to face up to them. At the moment I’m feeling more confident that I can have a future without him.

[user1493423934]

Take care orange

[Clutterbugsmum]

DH has just kept on saying how lovely I am but has avoided any conversations about the realities Tell him to stop that his words mean nothing HIS actions are telling you what he actually thinks. If he really wants to stay married then HE needs to rearrange mediation, HE needs to be honest with you as to what happened, why he had a bag of condoms.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Urgh. How are you feeling now about the future, Orangeblossom3?

Please don't settle for his bullshit and get reeled back in. Re-arrange mediation yourself. Talk to a solicitor. Take steps to get him out.

Nowhere for him to go? Not your problem. He works, he earns, he can pay the deposit on a flat. Or stay with his brother again.

[Mrsramsayscat]

OP your DH is a clever operator. His "aren't we both crazy" speech after his suggestion for a deed of separation was a masterpiece. He has tested the water, he believes, in how far you'll go. He then makes a speech to suggest you're both it it together, that you're in the midst of some kind of lovelorn teenage frenzy in which you've equally misunderstood each other and are equally culpable. He hopes that he confused and has wrong footed you sufficiently to take the spotlight off him and his antics.

[timeisnotaline]

That last post reminds me of when I was sexually harassed at work. I spoke to the guy the next day and got this earnest little speech about our families were really important to both of us and we didn’t want anyone hurt.. I was too stunned to reply. My dh knew all about it as I had come in so upset and furious I had woken him in the early hours of the morning to rant about this loser. His wife with their two cute and young dc presumably had no idea women had to push their husband off them as he tried to kiss them... ‘we both’ my ass.

[Orangeblosssom3]

Sounds horrible timeisnot I hope that you have regained some trust and confidence, it must have knocked both.

I feel so odd, like I don’t know who my DH is any more. I feel quite disassociated from my relationship. I don’t get how he can be walking around, apparently calmly, being Mr Wonderful, and ignoring the last few weeks. He’s made a few advances to hug and kiss me, and I’ve told him to back off. He just shrugs and laughs but I think he’s annoyed.

I do think he believes that ‘we’ have just had a hiccup in our relationship where we’ve ‘both’ been foolish. I haven’t done a thing! He’s alluded a few times to what he said before, my ‘obsession’ with tracking him and ‘bossiness’. I’m not a forceful person or obsessive person at all. I’ve asked him for specific examples and then he gets evasive or alludes to ‘walking on eggshells’ around me and having to ‘suppress who he is’. I’m looking at him wondering what on earth he thinks of me, and how he could be so adamant I’m a certain way. No wonder his family avoid me. I never seem to get any answers myself from talking to him about his shifty behaviour and things like the condoms.

I’ve been recommended a better solicitor but I have to wait a couple of weeks to see them. I haven’t got anymore energy to ask him about the weekend away as he’s avoided it so many times. I’m just avoiding him, it feels tense in the house. Yuk, it’s pretty horrible.