Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

[Emmasmum2013]

@Orangeblossom3

I think my response to him when he tries anything on would be something like "Look, you've destroyed this marriage. Your cheating has ruined it. Not anything I have done. You're saying that my 'obsession' and 'bossiness' have been issues but where do you think, if they exist at all, they stemmed from? Your behaviour.

Marriage is clearly not for you. Ask any of your married friends, google it, do a fucking online poll and you will see that people in happy marriages do not want to also keep secrets from each other and feel like they are "suppressing who they are". And if that's the case... who are you? Who do you want to be, that I am stopping from emerging? The only thing stopping you from being the person that you want to be is yourself and some semblance of guilt that you're clearly feeling. But obviously not enough guilt to actually make steps to change. I do not want you in this house.
Go and be the person that I am supposedly "suppressing". Marriage involving honesty and monogamy is clearly not for you. Go and have a nice life and let me find someone who can give me what I want from a man."

[timeisnotaline]

Thanks orangeblossom it was a while ago and I’m fine. I reported him of course, he left not long after but would often be at drinks.. a few months after he took the opportunity at drinks to tell me he thought I’d overreacted by reporting him and I told him to fuck off and die . It was a drop in the ocean compared to what you are going through!

[magoria]

God your H is just plain insulting your intelligence.

He really thinks you will just shut up and put up because you are lucky to have such an amazing man for an H.

He doesn't actually give a shit about you, let alone love, care or respect you.

You deserve so much better than his low life.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I have never ever on MN heard of a more evasive DH who just flat out refuses to answers questions (WHAT WERE THE CONDOMS FOR?!? WHO DID HE GO AWAY WITH?!?!) or be more delusional about his own role on this.

Let me guess, he's in a "persuasive" role at work - sales? PR? Lawyer? Something like that I bet

[CopONNotLinkedIn]

wow he's a slippery article! he has a bag full of condoms that he cannot or will not explain and he has managed to drive some script uphill that this is all about your obsessive personality!

[catsatonthemat]

sorry you are going through this. Stay strong.

[Orangeblosssom3]

Thanks posters. He’s super evasive that’s true and very defensive. When we went to counseling a while ago even the counselor said his ambiguity and evasiveness was a huge problem and that she felt my frustration and she felt it too in every session. She recommended he got individual counseling to tackle it, but I think he just had free rein to rant the next counselor about how I drove him crazy, without challenge, and didn’t bring up the reason he’d been recommended to go there in the first place.

[Seabreeze18]

I’m sorry Op but he has real issues.
I don’t think it would be good for you to stay with him. U are worth much more than this.
Hugs

[BitOutOfPractice]

So he still hasn't told you ANY sort of explanation for the condoms? Even a pathetic excuse of an explanation?

OP I know he's clever at dodging. But why are you being so passive?

[Orangeblosssom3]

@seabreeze and bitout you are right. I do become passive, so tired of it all. I’m pretty certain that I want to move back to the city I was living in.

I have rebooked the mediation, which he cancelled, although annoyingly still waiting to see solicitor. I had a very clear chat, where I insisted on knowing about the condoms. He said that he had been stupid, he’d bought them but not used any, as he’d thought he might do something and didn’t want to take a risk. I said that they obviously not for me. He said he’d been off to his cousins for the weekend, and they went kayaking. His cousin and him went out on the town and chatted to a few women but nothing happened.

Last weekend he spent with his family at a summer party that I wasn’t invited to. He bought the kids and I just felt like I’m being set up as the bad guy already.

He said that he thought that we weren’t really together recently, as I’d got cross with him last month, as he was still being ‘unsure’ about us and I’d said that I didn’t want to be with him if he was dithering all the time. He was sorry and said that we’ve got massive problems in our relationship but that I wanted to ignore them. He bought up minor things I’d done in the past and made them into huge things. I thought, this must be the story he tells himself. In order to lie and betray my trust.

He’s such a fool. All of this drama, and stupidness. For nothing. I almost believe he hasn’t used the condoms yet. But eventually he would have. I don’t respect him anymore. He won’t give me honesty even now. He came back full of tears wanting me back but his actions don’t match it at all.

[Misericord]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this, it sounds awful. We are here for you, you are not alone. Be strong, don’t let him think you’re wrong or going crazy x

[Orangeblosssom3]

Thank you @misericord just so tired of it all. Tired of feeling confused. Weary of feeling insecure and being told that I’m obsessing, or not seeing the big problems. I just want security and love!

[Emmasmum2013]

this must be the story he tells himself. In order to lie and betray my trust.

Yep, classic gaslighting. Ignore him. Or remind him that emotional abuse is illegal.

I just want security and love!

And you deserve it! Your DH on the other hand deserves to fall into a pit of spikes. He's let you and your family down massively and you need to admit to yourself that you're never going to get the security and love from him. So he can accuse you of obsessing or not seeing the big problems all he wants, he's the one that's ruined the marriage beyond repair.