Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

What Rat said but stall having that chat for a bit.

Yes, as a PP said you could meet a friend in the same place.

At the risk of making your heartbreak into a spy caper could you get there early and make yourself “hidden”?

[Orangeblosssom3]

I appreciate all the support. Ashamed to say just cried my eyes out.

Really not looking forward to DH coming home. Don’t know which way to play it. Looked again on social media, he said he’d have to check his work schedule and will text her as time is not good. So now they’ve gone off social media. Can’t access.

[TwittleBee]

OP there is no shame in that at all! Sending you lots of hugs.

[RatRolyPoly]

Oh Orange, I really do feel for you. I hope you have a plentiful supply of sweet tea or wine, depending on your need!

I think a lot of us have been there; I know I have. And as someone else has said, it needn't be the end. But I think it's important for you to know in your own mind where those lines are. So for me, I knew it would be the end if I didn't feel he had given me every single last shred of truth and allowed me the dignity and ownership of my own life to decide whether or not I wanted to carry on with him. I knew I could not live with doubt, or with wondering, but that i might just be able to live with a really difficult truth. Not easily, mind you, but I could do it - and so far I have. I could not be with someone who wouldn't give me that truth, at least.

But also what are things he could have said or done that would be too much for you to want to live with? It's awful - truly awful - to think about, but it's worth deciding what those things are in advance and then sticking to them if he does at least tell you the truth.

Is there anyone you can tell everything to who will support you?

[Walkerbean16]

age means nothing. my husband has just had a six month affair with someome who is 15 years younger than him.

[TopShagger]

Not exactly on is it? You know that saying - if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck etc.

I would be tempted to nip this shit in the bud immediately but as others have rightly pointed out, you should probably hang on to get something more solid. Have you managed to find this scarf yet? Or is it a proverbial, mythical scarf that doesn't really exist?

I'm pondering whether you could play dumb or not, just mention you saw that open social media exchange between them and remark that you haven't seen any strange scarf around the place? If there turns out to be no producible scarf then you know for sure it's code, if there should in fact be a scarf you can dig further as to why he is in possession of it. But that might ring alarm bells for him. Tricky.

[Graphista]

"I doubt she would actually have an affair with a man 20 years older." HA! Yea - cos that NEVER happens!

16 year gap between my ex and his ow/2nd wife. Seen it plenty with others in real life up to 35 year age gap. It's so common it's a cliché - replacing the wife with a 'younger model'

"Previous messages to her have been deleted 

That is a MASSIVE red flag!" I agree.

As is just as he decides to rejoin SM he decides SHE is first person he adds!

I also agree his last infraction was an emotional affair NOT a crush.

Not being sure of his commitment - preparing you for him to leave for her and spin you a line of "you know I've not been happy for ages, I've only just met her"

Play the long game to get ducks in a row and gather evidence (for yourself if nothing else). Do you have a trusted friend who would be up for doing some spying on your behalf? Who could go to coffee shop?

I played long game. Got the evidence I needed then it all came to a head as he manufactured an excuse to stay overnight with her that was obviously bullshit and I went nuclear! BUT I was able to go nuclear WITH evidence (texts, emails, phone bills, video of them at a works do....)

He came home the next day to his stuff in black bags on lawn and door locked.

I've never regretted it.

[Orangeblosssom3]

Child still up, will have tea. When he’s gone to bed. Time for wine!

Just checked his computer history. Nothing there. Feeling strangely calm but numb. Will definitely report back after this evening.

Texted a good friend. She’s just broke up with her husband so was very ltb and said I’d drive myself crazy wondering what scarf deal was.

[Orangeblosssom3]

@graphista yes massive shock to see she was first person he added.

[Orangeblosssom3]

@graphista fair play to you!

[Graphista]

Don't mean to imply it was easy I was very hurt. But I couldn't stay with a cheat.

Nothing at all on computer history or nothing suspicious?

[Pengggwn]

Fuck that.

[XiCi]

I really feel for you OP but if I found slimy messages like that from my husband to a young woman, or any woman for that matter, I would ask him to leave. And I don't say that lightly.

[XiCi]

And also, how do you think he got this womans scarf?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Nothing that I could see, as in emails checked but couldn’t see what they were about. Three searches for different women on Facebook, all pretty, all friended but not sure what that means. A friend request from one of them just today. I think he uses his phone mostly.

[Orangeblosssom3]

The bloody scarf! That jolted me so much today. Like an electric shock when I read it. How did he get it? No idea.

[rainbowlou]

I feel for you so much, I know too well that gut wrenching feeling reading messages between my H and a woman I had no idea existed.
I got so much support on here and I know you will too.
Good luck

[Adayindisney67]

My partner wouldn't be adding random women so I don't know what that means! But everything else...

He's bloody cringey😫

[Graphista]

"a woman I had no idea existed"

Not sure what's worse. This - or her being a supposed "friend" as in my case.

[FluffyWhiteTowels]

If this happened to a friend or your child what would you advise ?

Sometimes it helps to think of the problem in the third party ... at the end of the day though, doesn't sound as if he cherishes you, thinks of you totally and you feel secure in your life for each other. Do you want to be second best?

Not trying to be harsh just what I would to a friend

[PollyPutTheCoffeeOn]

He sounds like he's checked out already. He's chasing women 20 years younger. God the indignity. I agree with other posters that it happens but what's more likely is that if she sleeps with him, he'll be keen to hold on to her and she will think oh fuck what have I done. But the message he will take away is that women 20 years younger are interested in him. I'd GET TURNED OFF by his lack of appreciation for you.

[PollyPutTheCoffeeOn]

As fluffywhitetowels said, it's not about being pampered, it's about not being cherished. Valued. Appreciated. Don't let it destroy your self-esteem. Channel that in to getting turned off.

It's a turn off.

[Ohmydayslove]

Remember op none of this is your fault. none of it so don’t you think for one second it is or it’s your paranoia.

If he’s cheating it’s all his fault

[MamaDeeGee]

How awful for you :(

[Orangeblosssom3]

Thanks. He’s just got back. He can sense I’m not in a great mood so has taken DS upstairs to play.