Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

[Emmasmum2013]

this must be the story he tells himself. In order to lie and betray my trust.

Yep, classic gaslighting. Ignore him. Or remind him that emotional abuse is illegal.

I just want security and love!

And you deserve it! Your DH on the other hand deserves to fall into a pit of spikes. He's let you and your family down massively and you need to admit to yourself that you're never going to get the security and love from him. So he can accuse you of obsessing or not seeing the big problems all he wants, he's the one that's ruined the marriage beyond repair.

[Orangeblosssom3]

Thank you @misericord just so tired of it all. Tired of feeling confused. Weary of feeling insecure and being told that I’m obsessing, or not seeing the big problems. I just want security and love!

[Misericord]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this, it sounds awful. We are here for you, you are not alone. Be strong, don’t let him think you’re wrong or going crazy x

[Orangeblosssom3]

@seabreeze and bitout you are right. I do become passive, so tired of it all. I’m pretty certain that I want to move back to the city I was living in.

I have rebooked the mediation, which he cancelled, although annoyingly still waiting to see solicitor. I had a very clear chat, where I insisted on knowing about the condoms. He said that he had been stupid, he’d bought them but not used any, as he’d thought he might do something and didn’t want to take a risk. I said that they obviously not for me. He said he’d been off to his cousins for the weekend, and they went kayaking. His cousin and him went out on the town and chatted to a few women but nothing happened.

Last weekend he spent with his family at a summer party that I wasn’t invited to. He bought the kids and I just felt like I’m being set up as the bad guy already.

He said that he thought that we weren’t really together recently, as I’d got cross with him last month, as he was still being ‘unsure’ about us and I’d said that I didn’t want to be with him if he was dithering all the time. He was sorry and said that we’ve got massive problems in our relationship but that I wanted to ignore them. He bought up minor things I’d done in the past and made them into huge things. I thought, this must be the story he tells himself. In order to lie and betray my trust.

He’s such a fool. All of this drama, and stupidness. For nothing. I almost believe he hasn’t used the condoms yet. But eventually he would have. I don’t respect him anymore. He won’t give me honesty even now. He came back full of tears wanting me back but his actions don’t match it at all.

[BitOutOfPractice]

So he still hasn't told you ANY sort of explanation for the condoms? Even a pathetic excuse of an explanation?

OP I know he's clever at dodging. But why are you being so passive?

[Seabreeze18]

I’m sorry Op but he has real issues.
I don’t think it would be good for you to stay with him. U are worth much more than this.
Hugs

[Orangeblosssom3]

Thanks posters. He’s super evasive that’s true and very defensive. When we went to counseling a while ago even the counselor said his ambiguity and evasiveness was a huge problem and that she felt my frustration and she felt it too in every session. She recommended he got individual counseling to tackle it, but I think he just had free rein to rant the next counselor about how I drove him crazy, without challenge, and didn’t bring up the reason he’d been recommended to go there in the first place.

[catsatonthemat]

sorry you are going through this. Stay strong.

[CopONNotLinkedIn]

wow he's a slippery article! he has a bag full of condoms that he cannot or will not explain and he has managed to drive some script uphill that this is all about your obsessive personality!

[BitOutOfPractice]

I have never ever on MN heard of a more evasive DH who just flat out refuses to answers questions (WHAT WERE THE CONDOMS FOR?!? WHO DID HE GO AWAY WITH?!?!) or be more delusional about his own role on this.

Let me guess, he's in a "persuasive" role at work - sales? PR? Lawyer? Something like that I bet

[magoria]

God your H is just plain insulting your intelligence.

He really thinks you will just shut up and put up because you are lucky to have such an amazing man for an H.

He doesn't actually give a shit about you, let alone love, care or respect you.

You deserve so much better than his low life.

[timeisnotaline]

Thanks orangeblossom it was a while ago and I’m fine. I reported him of course, he left not long after but would often be at drinks.. a few months after he took the opportunity at drinks to tell me he thought I’d overreacted by reporting him and I told him to fuck off and die . It was a drop in the ocean compared to what you are going through!

[Emmasmum2013]

@Orangeblossom3

I think my response to him when he tries anything on would be something like "Look, you've destroyed this marriage. Your cheating has ruined it. Not anything I have done. You're saying that my 'obsession' and 'bossiness' have been issues but where do you think, if they exist at all, they stemmed from? Your behaviour.

Marriage is clearly not for you. Ask any of your married friends, google it, do a fucking online poll and you will see that people in happy marriages do not want to also keep secrets from each other and feel like they are "suppressing who they are". And if that's the case... who are you? Who do you want to be, that I am stopping from emerging? The only thing stopping you from being the person that you want to be is yourself and some semblance of guilt that you're clearly feeling. But obviously not enough guilt to actually make steps to change. I do not want you in this house.
Go and be the person that I am supposedly "suppressing". Marriage involving honesty and monogamy is clearly not for you. Go and have a nice life and let me find someone who can give me what I want from a man."

[Orangeblosssom3]

Sounds horrible timeisnot I hope that you have regained some trust and confidence, it must have knocked both.

I feel so odd, like I don’t know who my DH is any more. I feel quite disassociated from my relationship. I don’t get how he can be walking around, apparently calmly, being Mr Wonderful, and ignoring the last few weeks. He’s made a few advances to hug and kiss me, and I’ve told him to back off. He just shrugs and laughs but I think he’s annoyed.

I do think he believes that ‘we’ have just had a hiccup in our relationship where we’ve ‘both’ been foolish. I haven’t done a thing! He’s alluded a few times to what he said before, my ‘obsession’ with tracking him and ‘bossiness’. I’m not a forceful person or obsessive person at all. I’ve asked him for specific examples and then he gets evasive or alludes to ‘walking on eggshells’ around me and having to ‘suppress who he is’. I’m looking at him wondering what on earth he thinks of me, and how he could be so adamant I’m a certain way. No wonder his family avoid me. I never seem to get any answers myself from talking to him about his shifty behaviour and things like the condoms.

I’ve been recommended a better solicitor but I have to wait a couple of weeks to see them. I haven’t got anymore energy to ask him about the weekend away as he’s avoided it so many times. I’m just avoiding him, it feels tense in the house. Yuk, it’s pretty horrible.

[timeisnotaline]

That last post reminds me of when I was sexually harassed at work. I spoke to the guy the next day and got this earnest little speech about our families were really important to both of us and we didn’t want anyone hurt.. I was too stunned to reply. My dh knew all about it as I had come in so upset and furious I had woken him in the early hours of the morning to rant about this loser. His wife with their two cute and young dc presumably had no idea women had to push their husband off them as he tried to kiss them... ‘we both’ my ass.

[Mrsramsayscat]

OP your DH is a clever operator. His "aren't we both crazy" speech after his suggestion for a deed of separation was a masterpiece. He has tested the water, he believes, in how far you'll go. He then makes a speech to suggest you're both it it together, that you're in the midst of some kind of lovelorn teenage frenzy in which you've equally misunderstood each other and are equally culpable. He hopes that he confused and has wrong footed you sufficiently to take the spotlight off him and his antics.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Urgh. How are you feeling now about the future, Orangeblossom3?

Please don't settle for his bullshit and get reeled back in. Re-arrange mediation yourself. Talk to a solicitor. Take steps to get him out.

Nowhere for him to go? Not your problem. He works, he earns, he can pay the deposit on a flat. Or stay with his brother again.

[Clutterbugsmum]

DH has just kept on saying how lovely I am but has avoided any conversations about the realities Tell him to stop that his words mean nothing HIS actions are telling you what he actually thinks. If he really wants to stay married then HE needs to rearrange mediation, HE needs to be honest with you as to what happened, why he had a bag of condoms.

[user1493423934]

Take care orange

[Orangeblosssom3]

Hi whatamistake I’m enjoying the sun and about to go for a long evening walk by the river. I’m away this whole weekend, at a family event tomorrow. It’s very helpful being so physically far away, and having time just to myself too.

DH has just kept on saying how lovely I am but has avoided any conversations about the realities. I think he wanted a romantic warm reunion, without having to explain. It’s sad however his actions can’t be just ignored. He has to face up to them. At the moment I’m feeling more confident that I can have a future without him.

[whatamistake]

Hi Op, how are things?

[TorviBrightspear]

I don’t know exactly what future course we will have to take, but I’ll not let us be pulled under. The pain of that kind of betrayal is brutal isn’t it. I’ll need an awful lot from him to be able to live without being diminished again. I’m not sure he’s up to it and I’m not waiting around.

Then he needs to be told exactly that, to know exactly what's at stake here.

[Orangeblosssom3]

@writers and other posters thank you! I’m a little emotional about how much I’ve felt listened to and cared for here. I’m amazed.

I feel like I’m now able to zone in on my situation from a few viewpoints, and no longer feel ashamed about snooping. My family life is at a critical point, our lives could change forever.

The wise and balanced opinions are like a boat, to help steer me. The scarf, the coffee girl and the sordid bag full of condoms break my heart into little pieces. ThenI look at my little child asking where Daddy’s been and just feel overwhelmed with a kind of quiet ferocious protectiveness.

I don’t know exactly what future course we will have to take, but I’ll not let us be pulled under. The pain of that kind of betrayal is brutal isn’t it. I’ll need an awful lot from him to be able to live without being diminished again. I’m not sure he’s up to it and I’m not waiting around.

Thanks!

[Writersblock2]

I don’t often comment on these threads because I already feel amazing advice has been given (and it has here too), but I just wanted to comment to say you are handling this with such grace and dignity. You should be very proud of yourself. Your OH has shown you, and your relationship, zero respect.

We are all with you, OP

[Trinity66]

I'm not sure you can salvage this, since his behaviour seems to be trying to brush stuff under the carpet.

Not only that but actually trying to make it sound like she's in the wrong