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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to live alone?

14 replies

DD2017 · 26/04/2018 13:43

DD's dad moved in when I was around 9 months pregnant. We've been good friends around 6 years but never together. We sleep in separate rooms and get on well. His idea to move in as I'd need help and I agreed on a 'see how it goes' basis. He's now talking forever...
I have my own views and just wondering if there's anything I haven't considered. Thoughts & opinions for either way please...
WWYD?

OP posts:

inTIRFace · 26/04/2018 14:08

It depends on what your views are.

Do you mean "Dad" as in biological father?

lindyhopy · 26/04/2018 14:13

You need to clarify your post a it as it isn't clear what you are asking. Do you mean he talking forever to move out??

Original poster

DD2017 · 26/04/2018 14:34

Ah thanks.. he's talking about living together forever and don't think that's what I want for various reasons... wondering if there's anything I haven't thought of yet to make a final decision?
He'd retain a key and see her whenever he wants with no formal arrangement as we wouldn't need one but would mean him moving back to his mum's.

OP posts:

Original poster

DD2017 · 26/04/2018 14:35

And yes; biological father.

OP posts:

Lacucuracha · 26/04/2018 14:38

You would be crazy to agree to this.

What happens when you meet another man?

What if he wants to move a girlfriend in?

What if he refuses r

inTIRFace · 26/04/2018 14:39

The final decision is down to what's best for you, your daughter and your ex.

I think the massive positive is that he sounds like a good father and good ex. You shouldn't lead him on but you have time on your side.

I guess I think it would be positive for you and the ex to move on and have your own distinct lives whilst continuing to co-parent but does this need to be rushed?

Lacucuracha · 26/04/2018 14:40

What if he refuses to move out when you want him to?

Is the house yours? What if he puts on a claim to it when w moves out on years to come?

Don't do it! Get a fresh start.

Original poster

DD2017 · 26/04/2018 15:05

Yeah he's a great dad! He would have the opportunity to see her as much as he does now and we'd probably do days out and holidays together too.
I broached the subject and he said it'd be rubbish not seeing her as much and having to move all his stuff back but have said that wouldn't be the case of every 2nd Saturday as wouldn't want either of them missing out on each other. The only bit he'd miss would be mornings; which unless he's working; doesn't get up that early anyway (6.30 as the car gets us up thinking it's a weekday and wants fed).
I guess I feel I wouldn't like it the other way round. Who am I to say he can't live with his daughter? Good in theory but all sorts later on.. like she'll have to explain our 'non' relationship to her friends.. if one of us meet someone.. I'd like to be financially independent as feel I'd be better off and it's forever with a friend. I think it'd be more beneficial to DD in the long run if we live separately?
He wouldn't put a claim to the house or anything (yes in my name) but I already pay more of his share and don't feel I want to continue this as we're not together. I'd like to save for DD future when possible and not paying for a day out for all of us or bulk of the shopping etc.
I guess the real question is does anyone have a reason we should live together for benefit of DD?
I'm happy with my life on hold forever as she's most important now so not the most important factor

OP posts:

FASH84 · 26/04/2018 15:09

Does he have hopes of a relationship with you and a traditional family unit?

inTIRFace · 26/04/2018 15:25

I don't really have an answer. The difference in income between the two of you shouldn't be an issue but it is, I guess.

I think that if I had to leave my children with their father, it would be the small stuff I'd miss. I understand his "mornings" comment.

I don't think a relationship is worse because it's untraditional. I think you need to decide.

As I said, you're in the wonderful position of him being reasonable and a good parent. It makes the decision more difficult.

Original poster

DD2017 · 26/04/2018 16:16

No he doesn't have hopes of relationship with us; I used to but not anymore and don't think either of us would in the future.
Yes; definitely more difficult as we have such a good relationship and he's great with DD. I wouldn't want to come to resent living together and make the split later down the line when DD will remember also.
Not an ideal situation to be in but I count myself extremely lucky to have this first world 'problem'

OP posts:

Lacucuracha · 26/04/2018 16:33

Who am I to say he can't live with his daughter?

You have the right to live alone in your own house with your daughter. You don't owe him a home or a standard of living.

OP, of course he's going to want to live you when you subsidise his tent, pay for shipping and days out!

You really don't know that he wouldn't put a claim on the house. Why complicate things? Start as you mean to go on and build a life with your DD. If he's a good father he will continue to play an active part in her life.

Lacucuracha · 26/04/2018 16:33

Rent not tent!

MacaroniPenguin · 26/04/2018 16:47

Look at your thread title! Absolutely YANBU to not want to live with him. Parents staying together for the sake of the kids is not famous for ending happily, and I'd put "parents living with someone they don't want to live with" as closer to that than not, even though I appreciate you are not exes.

On here I've come across a timeshare system. Kids stay in one home, and separated parents take turns to stay there as single parents. Parents also timeshare a separate crash pad for times when the other is having their turn with DC. Sounds and is complicated, but the theory is that the child gets the benefit of seeing both parents without the negatives of having two homes, and the parents don't have to live together. It must be really difficult though, unless you are both really tidy and disciplined. Not advocating it, it's just an example to say there may be other options out there.

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