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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my sister to help me have a baby

217 replies

Astella22 · 25/04/2018 13:57

Hi Everyone

I’d love to get other views and opinions on this topic whatever they may be. To give you a bit of background I've been trying with 5+ years to conceive a baby. I've had 5 rounds of IVF and each one has failed. I managed to get pregnant outside of IVF 3 times and each one has ended in a miscarriage which was devastating for us both. At the end of 2016 we decided to quit and focus on moving on with life childless but I just could seem to let it go and we tried again after taking a break for a year. My clinic have now moved on to the donor conversation. I'll be 38 soon.

My sister has 3 fab kids who I love so much and has finished having her family. Would I BU to ask her to donate an egg or be surrogate for me? I wouldn’t ask her to do both. Anyone who has been through infertility will know the whole thing is an emotional minefield for everyone involved. We have looked into all the options with donor eggs etc but for me having no genetic link to the baby is something I’m really struggling with. One of her kids looks the spit of me aswell so allot of time was spent when they were younger talking about family resemblances, maybe its selfish but I suppose I want that too.

I would also like to add that I have absolutely NO expectation of her saying yes and if she wasn't comfortable with it I wouldn't in a million years hold it against her. I suppose I’m really struggling with asking her as it’s such a HUGE question. I wish every day that I wasn’t in this position and that I would have the strength to move past wanting a child but for now I don’t. Sad

OP posts:
LarryFreakinStylinson · 25/04/2018 13:59

I’d do it for my sister in a heartbeat. If you ask the question but reassure her that there are no expectations from you and give her a lot of time to think it over then what harm can it do?

octonaught · 25/04/2018 14:02

How close are you to your sister?
This sort of donation does happen, but it would to have to come from her. If she is likely to think of the egg as one of her children, rather than genetic material from your parents; that would be a whole different kettle of fish.
I would ask a counsellor first, then ask her to come and see said counsellor with you

Skarossinkplunger · 25/04/2018 14:03

I’d do it for my sister, but I’d offer. I think YABU to ask her. If she said no, I think it would damage your relationship.

glasshalffull2018 · 25/04/2018 14:04

You are not being unreasonable it's worth a try! Just don’t be too angry or upset if she says no and then it's fine to ask. I’m sure she wouldn't blame you for asking!

Threeminis · 25/04/2018 14:04

I would do it for my sister. Definitely.
I guess it depends how close you are though.

MiggledyHiggins · 25/04/2018 14:04

You could ask, but if she turned you down, would it affect your relationship with her?

She may love to help you out, but equally, may feel it's something she's unable to physically or emotionally do for you. Or she may agree, not knowing the scope of what's involved and regret it but feel that she can't back out due to that decision obviously being devastating for you.

Furano · 25/04/2018 14:05

I don't think I could do that for my sister.

NapQueen · 25/04/2018 14:06

I would be a surrogate for my sister if she was in your circumstances. I wouldnt donate an egg though.

lunamoths · 25/04/2018 14:06

I would do it for my sister in a heartbeat and if you are close enough to take whatever answer she gives you I see no harm
In asking.

ScattyCharly · 25/04/2018 14:06

How old is she and how were her pregnancies?

Has she ever mentioned anything along these lines and/or do you generally confide in her re IVF etc?

GeminiWarrior · 25/04/2018 14:06

I think if it were something she were comfortable with she would had offered by now, assuming she knows your situation and what you’ve been through?

expatinscotland · 25/04/2018 14:06

I don't think it's on to ask this. If she wanted to do this she'd have volunteered. IIRC, a lot of clinics won't allow kindred donors or surrogates because of the emotional attachment. It puts a lot of emotional pressure on her and she may feel obligated when she doesn't want to. Or cause marital tension if her h isn't on board with her donating or being a surrogate (which is also risky, as any pregnancy is). A lot of people don't want to donate because they see the child as theirs since, biologically, it is. The process of donating an egg is intense, too, it's not fair to ask a close relative as they may do it from a sense of obligation and it's not a risk free procedure.

Asking this can do a lot of harm.

plire · 25/04/2018 14:07

I guess if you don't ask, then you don't get.

It's not like you can revisit this is 10 years.

It depends on your relationship, but actually it sort of looks like you have nothing to lose by asking. As long as you are able to accept her decision - whatever that may be?

Fatted · 25/04/2018 14:07

I think as long as you are honestly 100% OK with the idea she may say no, then there is no harm in asking.

I am a mum and sister myself and honestly if any of my siblings asked me (two are currently childless) I would have to decline. My main reason for having no more children was because of complications in my last pregnancy and it's not fair to put myself, and their unborn child through all the risk.

Skarossinkplunger · 25/04/2018 14:07

You could mention that you were thinking of looking for a surrogate. Then it’s open for her to offer, or simply say something like ‘that’s a good idea”.

Skarossinkplunger · 25/04/2018 14:08

I think no matter how much you say you would accept it if she said no, you can’t really know until it happens. Also you don’t know how she would feel about saying no.

nokidshere · 25/04/2018 14:09

I have 5 sisters who have 13 children between them. They didn't offer and I didn't ask.

I think it would be very difficult for you both if she felt a maternal feeling for the resulting baby.

Zioanna · 25/04/2018 14:10

I wouldn’t have another baby for myself never mind anyone else.

I really don’t think you should ask her. Even if you’re reasonsable about it, she may feel under pressure to say yes and that isn’t really fair on her. I’d wait for her to offer and, if she doesn’t, assume she doesn’t want to do it.

Didiusfalco · 25/04/2018 14:10

I would do egg donation definitely. I had difficult pregnancies so this would colour my view on surrogacy. I also think it could be emotionally very difficult handing over a baby you had carried and still seeing them regularly - I mean the hormones alone after birth can be brutal. But you know your sister, if she is younger than you and has coped well with pregnancy this may not be such a problematic request.

BubblesAndSquarks · 25/04/2018 14:10

I don't think I could personally, donating the egg would feel like it was my baby, and I don't think I'd handle the emotions of the pregnancy and birth then handing the baby over.
There's nothing wrong with asking, but I wouldn't go into it expecting a yes, and I'd be clear to her that you're expecting it to likely be a no.

There's also the issue of whether it would feel like completely your baby doing it that way rather than using a donar egg, as she will always be in the child's life and there's possibilities of different views about upbringing etc or her finding it harder than expected once the child is no longer theoretical which could ultimately lead to you and your sisters relationship becoming strained.

expatinscotland · 25/04/2018 14:10

Also if she's 35 (some clinics it's lower than that) she won't be eligible to donate eggs.

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 25/04/2018 14:11

How were her pregnancies? Has she ever brought up the subject before?

BubblesAndSquarks · 25/04/2018 14:13

I agree with the PP, a good way would be to say you're thinking of egg donation or surrogacy.
If its something she would want to do she can then offer and if not she won't feel under obligation to do it.

KC225 · 25/04/2018 14:13

Has she ever mentioned it to you. Or even asked if there was anything she could do to help? Five rounds of IVF and three pregnancies outside is just brutal and beyond cruel. Did she say anything during this time?

Do bear in mind, donor eggs or surrogacy isn't just her decision and it could impact her whole family.

As a back up have you considered clinuc s abroad. There is an excellent private clinic in Kiev that has a good record with donor eggs.

Wanderwall · 25/04/2018 14:13

YANBU.

I would be a surrogate for my sister but not sure how I'd feel about egg donation as the baby would genetically be mine.

Everyone is different though and I don't think it's U to ask her.