AIBU to ask my sister to help me have a baby

[Astella22]

Hi Everyone

I’d love to get other views and opinions on this topic whatever they may be. To give you a bit of background I've been trying with 5+ years to conceive a baby. I've had 5 rounds of IVF and each one has failed. I managed to get pregnant outside of IVF 3 times and each one has ended in a miscarriage which was devastating for us both. At the end of 2016 we decided to quit and focus on moving on with life childless but I just could seem to let it go and we tried again after taking a break for a year. My clinic have now moved on to the donor conversation. I'll be 38 soon.

My sister has 3 fab kids who I love so much and has finished having her family. Would I BU to ask her to donate an egg or be surrogate for me? I wouldn’t ask her to do both. Anyone who has been through infertility will know the whole thing is an emotional minefield for everyone involved. We have looked into all the options with donor eggs etc but for me having no genetic link to the baby is something I’m really struggling with. One of her kids looks the spit of me aswell so allot of time was spent when they were younger talking about family resemblances, maybe its selfish but I suppose I want that too.

I would also like to add that I have absolutely NO expectation of her saying yes and if she wasn't comfortable with it I wouldn't in a million years hold it against her. I suppose I’m really struggling with asking her as it’s such a HUGE question. I wish every day that I wasn’t in this position and that I would have the strength to move past wanting a child but for now I don’t.

The whole idea leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Children are not commodities- no one has the "right" to have a child.

My DD and I are almost identical- apart from age of course. We are so alike we could have been twin sisters.

Having someone else raise her is unthinkable. If I had donated that egg and she was the result.

Everytime I saw her I imagine my heart would break

OP I don't think you nor your sister really understand the long term implications of this- for yourselves, your OHs and any child.
Even with counselling you have no way how any of you will feel 10 years- or even 2 years down the line.

The potential for catastrophe is huge.

If I was incredibly honest with myself, I wouldn't want to donate an egg as I would struggle with a baby being in my immediate family that genetically was mine, if not legally.

Not a popular opinion, but it's best to be honest.

I would however, carry a pregnancy.

I do think it's the sort of thing that you could resent her for if she says no.

I would do it for my brother and his wife.
Personally I would suggest discussing those options in general first with your sister. See if she offers. This is what I would do.

As a side note it's great to see so many women would do this for their sibling! Hope it works out for you OP! :)

You sound certain she and her DH have completed their family, I'm presuming this has come directly from your sister and if so I wonder whether she has already given you what their response would be.

In the kindest possible way you don’t sound at all prepared for an outright no with no further discussion possible on the subject.

I'm sorry for your struggles, but I think asking your sister is a huge mistake. You say you wouldn't be upset if she refused, but I just don't think you're being honest with yourself about that. You would have already raised your expectations, whether you want to or not, and if she says no, you will be devastated. Also, your sister could be very upset that you have asked and she's now in a position where she has to break your heart. Don't forget, her husband has a day in this, too. This is his wife, and there are always possible serious risks with any pregnancy. This ask could severely damage your relationship.

I'm curious how you rectify wanting this genetic link with being open to your sister being a surrogate for you using a donor egg if she doesn't want to donate her eggs? And your h's desire for this genetic link when the child will be his genetically no matter what?

Op I'm sorry you're having such a hard time trying to have a family. It's so unfair.
Personally I wouldn't donate an egg or be a surrogate for either of my sisters. I just couldn't, I don't think I'd be able to separate myself enough. I hope whatever you decide to do that you have the family you want

I think ywbu to ask. If she knows about all this history then she could offer if she wanted to. It’s a huge huge ask. I would be really resentful of being put in a situation where I might have to say no. I’m so sorry for you, but you shouldn’t put her in this position. The absolute most you could do is say you are struggling with not having a genetic link.

OP you sound incredibly reasonable and lovely, and I am very sorry to hear about your fertility struggles - I can only imagine how difficult a time you've been through.

What this (highly interesting) thread shows is that both egg donation and surrogacy are subjective. Some find one more acceptable than the other, and visa versa. I would not be able to do either, personally. BUT we do not know what your sister would be able to stomach - could be either, could be neither. 100% worth what you are suggesting. Fully explain the depth of your situation and what you are looking at and see if she offers. If not then you have an answer - I would not ask. If yes, make sure she is 100% sure before going any further.

Best of luck xx

I would be quite upset to be asked for such a thing by a loved one, as surely my lack of offer would speak for itself? It is something to be offered, not asked.

I would be completely insulted that someone would expect me to consider going through pain and side-effects, potentially endangering my LIFE for their sake.

expat I think that the OP mentioned her husband’s desire to have a genetic child to explain why they preferred donor egg over adoption, not because it made a difference whether she used a donor egg from her sister or from a stranger.

I would donate an egg. Hey I’ve got loads that are just flushed out and they’re not babies, if I gave them to someone else it’s no skin off my nose. I know the procedures etc are a fair bit but I’d happily do it fir my sister.
I wouldn’t be, or ask someone to be, a surrogate though. That’s a whole other huge issue.

'expat I think that the OP mentioned her husband’s desire to have a genetic child to explain why they preferred donor egg over adoption, not because it made a difference whether she used a donor egg from her sister or from a stranger.''

Yes, I read that, but what I'm asking is why the OP claims to want this genetic link so much she wants to ask her sister for her egg, fair enough, but if the sister doesn't want to donate the eggs then she's happy with her sister's being a surrogate for her using a donor egg. Can't see why she's after this genetic link so much but okay with the sister being a surrogate with a donor egg if she can't get the sister's eggs.

Apart from the welfare of any potential child- which of course is paramount there are 4 other people involved here.

Not just the OP and her sister.
The feelings of everyone involved- and those may change with time.

@expatinscotland - when I’m around my sister kids I find myself looking at them and thinking how much they look like this person or that person in my family and I find it hard to think that if I had a child through an anonymous donor this would be missing for me. I’m not saying it’s everything to me just something I’m finding difficult to let go of.
On the subject of wanting her to be a surrogate but at the same time not asking her to donate and carry. My sister is my only chance for a genetic link/family resemblance but maybe there is a chance she would say no to donating but be like some of the people here saying they would be happy to be a surrogate but not to donate. At least I could leave the leave that hope behind me and move on to anonymous knowing I’d tried. She is the kinda person though who could throw up her hands and say how she was only waiting for me to ask.
I’ve decided anyway not to ask for many of the reasons listed. It’s not fair to put her in a position of refusal and have her carry any kind of guilt. I would hate to do that to her. Hopefully we can chat this weekend about my fertility struggle and see how it goes from there.

My sisters isn't infertile or anything but needs ivf due to her bf.

I would happily give her my eggs or carry a baby for her if it came to it and have mentioned in the past.

My only problem is I have had 1 emcs and 1 ecs so I would need another cs but that still wouldn't stop me

I have found pregnancy tough and I also don't think I could give away a baby I carried so being a surrogate for my sister would be a no-go for me

Egg donation on the other hand, I would be totally fine with. I have no emotional attachment to my genetic material and would be happy to donate to my sister (or a stranger in fact, although I think I'm too old for altruistic donation)

My view may be coloured by the fact I had fertility issues myself and my sister offered to donate her eggs if it came to it which I thought was the greatest gift she could ever have given me

OP you seem focused on resemblance first and foremost. If your sister and her DH were willing for her to donate there's no guarantee the child would have any resemblance to you at all. Or perhaps could be a very clear mix of your sister's features combined with your DH's. That could be very strange for all of you and perhaps her DH most of all.

From what you've said she has a happy marriage, three children happy with both their parents. I don't understand why you're so set on dropping this bombshell in to their lives, either donation or surrogacy and really think about the effect a surrogate pregnancy would have on her marriage and children as well as her physical and emotional health.

I was a bit taken aback when you said you wouldn't proceed if her DH wasn't happy, I'm sure your sister would be the one to take that decision with him.

You say you've decided not to ask but then in the next breath that you're planning to bring up your fertility struggles and see where things go. If you do that you are going to be applying unreasonable pressure.

They haven't offered and you ought to leave well alone.

Just thinking if my sister asked medI'd find it impossible to refuse. You have been through years of trying and obviously would give anything for a child. It would be so hard to say no in the face of that even if you said that's ok. I think she should offer because I couldn't live with saying no.

Lots of interesting opinions and knowledge here, I just wanted to say, (sorry if I missed someone else saying it) but do let your sister know that you have had five IVF attempts and three miscarriages, not the one that she knows about. Your true experiences are rather more serious than she knows.

My own point of view is that whilst you are so keen on the genetic link, I think that may be asking too much and perhaps a currently unknown egg donor or surrogate might be a safer way to proceed.

Whichever way it goes, best of luck with it all.

Good luck x

I think it’s a good idea to be open about what’s happened so far so that you’re now thinking of donation/surrogacy. I don’t think I’d ask outright.

I would consider either but not both for my sister. I think I’d prefer donation. I don’t know if I would feel like that without children. She had always said that she would be a surrogate for me. As it happens I’ve had children naturally and she doesn’t want them.

Good luck with it op

OP - don't be put off by others here. Do have that conversation with your sister even if it is just to outline your difficulties and see if she offers.

I have offered to be a surrogate for my brother and his wife and I wouldn't have offered if they had not first discussed their problems with me and hinted they may want that option offered to them to some extent. I wouldn't have offered out of the blue. For me it makes sense to offer, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. Also their circumstances mean that getting a surrogate would be tricky unless it's someone they know already.

I have a child conceived via donor egg as I have a genetic condition that we didn't want to pass on. Our donor cannot be traced as we were treated abroad.

I can promise you that once you have carried the child for 9 months, given birth to it and breast fed it, there is no way that child is anything other than yours. It wouldn't have life without you.

Also there is a new theory in genetics that the mother carrying the child has direct influence on how the child turns out. I honestly could not love my son more than I do.

If your sister agreed to donate an egg you would both have to undergo counselling. One of my best friends said that she would do anything for me but she wouldn't be able to donate an egg (not that I had asked as we wanted an anonymous donor) as she would see the child as hers.

Would you consider an anonymous donor in order to be a mum?

Do you know 100% that her donating egg is going to result with you delivering baby? You may not be able to carry a baby full time.
Have you considered that?