AIBU to ask my sister to help me have a baby

[Astella22]

Hi Everyone

I’d love to get other views and opinions on this topic whatever they may be. To give you a bit of background I've been trying with 5+ years to conceive a baby. I've had 5 rounds of IVF and each one has failed. I managed to get pregnant outside of IVF 3 times and each one has ended in a miscarriage which was devastating for us both. At the end of 2016 we decided to quit and focus on moving on with life childless but I just could seem to let it go and we tried again after taking a break for a year. My clinic have now moved on to the donor conversation. I'll be 38 soon.

My sister has 3 fab kids who I love so much and has finished having her family. Would I BU to ask her to donate an egg or be surrogate for me? I wouldn’t ask her to do both. Anyone who has been through infertility will know the whole thing is an emotional minefield for everyone involved. We have looked into all the options with donor eggs etc but for me having no genetic link to the baby is something I’m really struggling with. One of her kids looks the spit of me aswell so allot of time was spent when they were younger talking about family resemblances, maybe its selfish but I suppose I want that too.

I would also like to add that I have absolutely NO expectation of her saying yes and if she wasn't comfortable with it I wouldn't in a million years hold it against her. I suppose I’m really struggling with asking her as it’s such a HUGE question. I wish every day that I wasn’t in this position and that I would have the strength to move past wanting a child but for now I don’t.

@Moreisnnogedag I love the idea of writing her a letter as I can imagine the conversation could get emotional (on my part) but I think for something this serious it would need to be face to face I think she deserves that.

At the back of it though I think she would like to be asked. I know it completely different when not talking about something so serious but she isn't the offering type she says herself she just doesn't pick up on hints but if you ask her for a favor or something she'll fall over herself to help.

Its been very helpful to see all the different points of view on this.
I'll see her this weekend so hopefully we'll have some time to talk about it.

I would do it for my sister...BUT having had lots of IVF its not that simple. After I had my IVF twins, I considered offering to be a surragate for my sister who had one child but had a further 6 IVF failures trying for a second. My husband was very anxious about it for a number of reasons, but most importantly, I had had problems in my pregnancy where I was in hospital for 3 months and then needed 2litres of blood transfused during an emergency C section. By this stage when I was thinking of offering I was in my late 30s or early 40s and he was worried something could happen to me in the pregnancy. And lets not forget if your sister has 3 children - she will have the extra pressure of looking after them while pregnant, her husband might have feelings about her carrying another man's child etc etc.
I'm not saying its a bad idea as you sister might be delighted to do this for you. But I would suggest that instead of asking her outright - have a frank conversation with her about how the specialist has told you to think about surrogacy or egg donation. If she is prepared to do any of these things she will likely offer after this conversation - rather than her being put on the spot by asking her directly. You may also accidentally put pressure on her marriage - if she wants to do this and says yes to you without talking to her husband - and he says he doesn't feel comfortable with the idea...you will unfortunately be putting her in an awkward position.

I have two sisters and we're close but sorry, my eggs, my baby, I just couldn't give my child away to my sister like that.

Neither could I carry a child for that amount of time and then hand it over.

I think you're wrong to ask and it could have a significant effect on your relationship with your sister. I would raise with her the fact that your considering both and see whether she offers. But even if she did I'd think very long and hard about it. What if she changed her mind halfway through the process?

WhiteBobbles - you said that donating eggs does not put your life at risk but if you have had IVF you would know that is not true. To produce eggs they give you massive of hormones and if you become over stimulated you can die - within days. This over stimulation happened to my friend and she was in hospital for months.

I would do for my sister in a heartbeat but my sister has said she would not do it for me.

I doubt donate or carry. I have three children and honestly they need me more than any of my siblings need a baby. Sure I’ve had three easy pregnancies and deliveries but it wasn’t without the stress of what if and needing to look after the older children.

Both things have risk factors with could really impact her actual health. She also has children/responsibilities to consider. On another note you would also be asking her to give up having sex with her partner so that she doesn’t end up pregnant by him.

I’d still like to know what your OH thinks- once again in your update you say “I” am seeing her this week. If he isn’t completely on board with the idea then surely it’s not worth raising the subject with your sister?

@paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking - not hurt at all, I appreciate you giving an honest opinion. There are too many forums out there that just paint it in rose tinted glasses like IVF and donor eggs are the answer to it all but there not and thats just a fact.

If she said no for any reason, she could just say she didn't want to and I would hug her and tell her I appreciated her honesty.

I've held back saying anything about it in the past as I realise its a huge thing to ask anyone and yes it is a bit selfish I know that. I wish I could just move on and be happy without a child and who know maybe I will be able to in the future but for now and at my age its like a biological instinct driving me. There are days when I wish I got the menopause so the hope would be over.

@JessieMcJessie - I had a load of we this and we that in my first draft but rewrote it and removed them all.

Its hard for him, the pain on his face during the last miscarriage nearly broke me and a big part not going down the adoption route is because he would also love a genetic link and if thats possible for him them I cant denie that to him. He is totally on board with egg donation, he had concerns re asking my sister but after some research he concluded that it was worth asking.
He is my rock and I'll love that man until the day I die.

I think you should definitely ask. You've said that you're not going to feel differently towards her if she says no, and that's something you should mention when you ask her. As for those saying that if she were comfortable with it then she would have brought it up herself- honestly it may not even have crossed her mind as something she could do, so I say go for it. She can only say no. Good luck! :-).

'But I would suggest that instead of asking her outright - have a frank conversation with her about how the specialist has told you to think about surrogacy or egg donation. If she is prepared to do any of these things she will likely offer after this conversation - rather than her being put on the spot by asking her directly. You may also accidentally put pressure on her marriage - if she wants to do this and says yes to you without talking to her husband - and he says he doesn't feel comfortable with the idea...you will unfortunately be putting her in an awkward position.'

This! I would seriously have more counselling, too. Fair enough to bring it up and let her offer but entirely different to ask. I couldn't stop him, but if my husband donated his sperm to get his SIL pregnant (hypothetical situation as he had the snip 8 years ago), I would be absolutely gutted and it would seriously damage our marriage or even end it. Similarly, he would not be happy with my being the genetic parent of his brother's child or with my carrying another person's child (in addition to the fact I wouldn't do it because of health risks and my surviving children being so young).

No right answer here.

No way would I do either for my sister- not in a millions years.

I couldn't personally donate an egg but would 100% be a surrogate for my sister however id of offered by now if I were her.

All you can do is ask.

So long as you go into it prepared for a rejection, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to broach the subject, maybe saying that you have been thinking about surrogacy. Who knows, maybe she's already been thinking about it and doesn't know how to approach you.

It's a big ask, so please be sure you can take a rejection from her. I do know that I would have done it for my own sister without hesitation when we were of childbearing age. I hope yours feels the same. Good luck.

I love my sister but I wouldn’t do it for her or for anyone.
I think it would be much better for everyone involved not to have the complication of family ties.

I would do it for my sister. I actually knew she might have trouble conceiving because of earlier problems, so the thought had crossed my mind. She went on to have 2 gorgeous kids in the end on her own.

I would speak to her about it. you're close, and she might just not know what to say to you.

I would hate my OH to have a child with another woman.

What willitbe said.

If she knows of the struggles and has held your hand through this and not offered, I do feel that is your answer.

That was not meant unkindly. I am infertile myself, however, having known since mid twenties I've not had to deal with the heartbreak of trying and fertility treatments. I cant imagine how hard that has been for you.

Be kind to yourself op and I hope things work out for you.

Great stuff re your OH Astella.

To be honest (as someone who had to consider donor eggs at one point) I would say that using an unconnected donor would be an easier solution and if you read up you’ll see lots of info about how a donor egg baby does still have a bond with the carrier, on top of, of course, being 50% your husband’s genetic material.

My disclaimer is that I was lucky in my last round of own egg IVF so never had to take the donor egg step, but we did start to consider it so I can’t put myself in your shoes. However there are list of women out there who say that they had doubts but then never looked back the second the baby was born. And when i look at my dS I think less about him carrying my genes and more about how our parenting is shaping him. He doesn’t look much like me anyway.

I appreciate that all this is irrelevant if you would have trouble carrying a baby yourself.

Very very best of luck to you both.

NC for this.

I donated for my sister - I offered when it seemed that a donor was her only option. I have DC and I didn't feel as though this baby would be "mine", but I don't think I could have been a surrogate as that would have been different for me.

You also need to think of both your partners because they need to be on board. My DH and I had to have a couples counselling session and we also had a joint one with my sister and her DH before we could go ahead.

A major consideration was whether the donor child would be told of the situation - if not (which was up to my sister and her DH as parents of the child), then that would mean not telling our own DC to minimise the chance of it slipping out. For me not telling my DC was huge. We overcame that (don't want to go into details as potentially outing).

Your sister's DH needs to be supportive because she if she goes ahead there will be counselling and appointments and scans, general anaesthetic, her own childcare arrangements, taking time off work etc to factor in as well as the bigger stuff.

Also, if she'd asked and I'd said no, it would have hung between us forever, even if she said she was totally fine with my decision - not because of her treatment of me or anything like that - but because of my own mindset and the guilt at not helping when I could have, even if not helping was the best decision for me and my family.

You need to think about what impact of her saying no would have on both of you and your relationship. My sister and I are very close so I knew all about her TTC struggles and I was thinking about offering to donate, so I discussed it with my DH before making the offer. Asking her directly is really putting her on the spot.

I am amazed that this is kept a secret from a potential child.

Doesn't the child deserve the right to know who the genetic parents are?

@stuckonthetrain - I would 100% do counselling before any of us went ahead.
I also wouldn’t proceed unless her DH was completely on board with it.
My preference would be to be open and honest about the genitic link from the start but I would take my lead about she felt on this first as it would effect her family the most.

I wouldn't be a surrogate but that's because I had a traumatic and dangerous birth experience - I'd be worried I'd die and leave my son without a parent.

I'd consider egg donation but I'm not entirely sure I could go through with it, my main worry is that she would raise the child differently to how I would and I'd always have to bite my tongue about it. I feel I'd get too over-involved and try to parent the child myself when I was there, or try to defend the child if my sister told them off.

I’m sorry but I couldn’t do it even for my sister. I can’t help but feel my egg would be part of me rather than just a bit of DNA and I think I would struggle too much to do that.

Be very careful, this is unlike any other favour you could ask of her. She may well not want to be asked this time.

I would talk about going for surrogacy and donor eggs and see if she offers. She may well go home and think about the conversation and come back to you about it.

I wouldn't ask her. Has she ever mentioned the subject before?