AIBU to ask my sister to help me have a baby

[Astella22]

Hi Everyone

I’d love to get other views and opinions on this topic whatever they may be. To give you a bit of background I've been trying with 5+ years to conceive a baby. I've had 5 rounds of IVF and each one has failed. I managed to get pregnant outside of IVF 3 times and each one has ended in a miscarriage which was devastating for us both. At the end of 2016 we decided to quit and focus on moving on with life childless but I just could seem to let it go and we tried again after taking a break for a year. My clinic have now moved on to the donor conversation. I'll be 38 soon.

My sister has 3 fab kids who I love so much and has finished having her family. Would I BU to ask her to donate an egg or be surrogate for me? I wouldn’t ask her to do both. Anyone who has been through infertility will know the whole thing is an emotional minefield for everyone involved. We have looked into all the options with donor eggs etc but for me having no genetic link to the baby is something I’m really struggling with. One of her kids looks the spit of me aswell so allot of time was spent when they were younger talking about family resemblances, maybe its selfish but I suppose I want that too.

I would also like to add that I have absolutely NO expectation of her saying yes and if she wasn't comfortable with it I wouldn't in a million years hold it against her. I suppose I’m really struggling with asking her as it’s such a HUGE question. I wish every day that I wasn’t in this position and that I would have the strength to move past wanting a child but for now I don’t.

No, I don’t think you should ask. She could offer, but I think asking something like this could put her in a difficult emotional situation. I think you’d be better to seek an alternative route.

Hi OP sorry for everything you've been through. I too have had miscarriages and don't have my baby yet, it's awful.

If I had a sister I would ask her for a donor egg, I think as long as you're prepared for her saying no and make it clear to her that you can and will accept that you can ask.

She might not offer even if she's ok with it because may think it's insensitive.

I would say something along the lines of: "I have something to ask you, this may be a great idea or may be a terrible idea and I don't know how I feel about it but wanted to discuss it with you."

If you pretend you're unsure you give her an easier get out if she is horrified by the idea. I know 100% I'd do it for a sibling.

I was coming on to say same as Anotherdayanotherdollar.

Since having my own DC - no - even straight forward pg take a toll on you leave you tried and egg donation comes with risks which given I'm now a mother I can’t justify. Plus I'd be worried about
feeling more than an aunt if genetically mine and be wary how that might play out with others possibly parenting differently.

'Or imagine watching your sister have the baby she has always wanted? The happiness you would both get.

But as I am not a mother I'm not allowed to apparently...'

Well, you are but your opinion is very naive considering the OP's sister does not exist in a vacuum. It's all very romantic and fluffy, colouring both processes as wonderful, rewarding, happiness for both, etc. The reality is the sister has obligations to 3 children and her partner. If she donates an egg, any child resulting has 3 half-siblings and is the genetic child of its 'aunt'. Egg donation is not anonymous, this could have major ramifications for the sister's children and/or any child resulting later on.

And a further reality is that both processes require the sister putting her health at risk. Donating eggs is not risk-free and can result in serious complications and even death. Similarly, pregnancy and childbirth put a woman's health at risk no matter how many times she's done it before.

Asking someone to do this when that person has children and a partner she is obligated to puts a lot of stress on her.

And again, it's why some clinics discourage using kinship donors or surrogates.

I would do it for my brothers (I don't have any sisters) but I would be a surrogate not an egg donor because I would feel the child was mine if it were my egg

Ah, okay. Sorry - misunderstood. My sympathies. You have been through the wringer all ways .

I think only you can judge what kind of relationship you have with your sister, but hopefully hearing lots of other opinions will help

She would have offered herself by now if she was keen on the idea

I don't think this is necessarily the case. She may have thought about it and have as many reservations about mentioning to the OP.

I would do it for my sister.

I couldn't/wouldn't ask but would definitely talk to her about the options you're considering and see how she responds. It would have to come from her for me to be sure I wasn't pressuring her into it. The replies here show how individual a decision it is so (hard though it must be) I think you have to try not to have any expectations of her but I would put her fully in the picture, see how she reacts and go from there.

Thanks to everyone who has commented. Im going to go with the suggestion of telling her Im looking into egg donation and surrogacy and see what her opinions are on it all.
I suppose I was just trying to gauge opinion before I approached it with her as I'm acutely aware of how bias/skewed my take on it all is.

Unfortunately everyone is going to have totally different opinions and feelings on it so really we could give you all the opinions in the world but that won't answer how your sister will react. I wish you the best of luck though and hope she's receptive to the idea

Donating eggs doesn't put your life at risk that is so melodramatic and unkind to the OP. You're making or she is selfishly asking her sister to risk her life which is absolutely ridiculous.

i'd consider donating an egg, but i would in no way, ever EVER consider being a surrogate for anyone, and would really hate to be put in that position of being asked. Its far too much to ask

I wouldn't ask, it's too big to say yes or no to - it can tear apart the extended family (and potentially destroy your relationship with her and her children) - whatever answer she gives.

I would be honest with her, saying what you've been through and where you are at (looking at donation/surrogacy), but only ask for her moral support. If she offers, maybe see a counsellor together before reaching a decision. The genetics is a teeny tiny bit of being a parent.

We had IVF and I do empathise that feeling of wanting your own child. It's shit, and people fall pregnant and don't cherish their children, or fall pg accidentally and you feel like it comes so easily to everyone else.

Some counselling that we had might be relevant for you to consider...

• egg donation is not without risk, your sister will need the same stimulation cycle you've had, it's hard work, injections, blood tests, scans and then risks from it going wrong. It may not be the once, depending on how she responds and how many eggs they collect. Her husband needs to be on board and supportive.
• surrogacy - she is going to bond with this child, and seeing it all the time won't make it easier, it will be harder. She will have to hand this child over, which her body feels is hers, or rip her whole extended family in half. The risks to her body from carrying another child, delivering him/her and also the worries you have for your child to be healthy multiplied because this is for you, her beloved sister, as your only shot at being a parent.
• Either egg/surrogacy she will have a close bond with this child, for better or worse. If she disagrees with parenting decisions you make she may feel like she's got an opinion which deserves weight in your parenting. She may feel like your child gets a better or worse deal than her own children, if you and your partner split she could feel she has a more stable home to offer them, if you want to move to another city or country she may object. Of course she may not feel this, or these things don't happen, but the point is, it's complicated not just during the pregnancy/delivery, but for her whole life.
• her children will need to know this child isn't their brother/sister (surrogacy) or it is (egg). This is hard for children to process, not just as youngsters, but through their life too. Again, differences in circumstances can lead to the cousins being close or resentful (different schools, holidays etc). She will need to factor in whether they will cope giving up the baby and/or seeing a half sibling live with Aunty Astella.
• finally, if the egg donation/surrogacy doesn't work, is there a guilt burden left with your sister that she couldn't do this for you?

So much to consider. Best of luck, I hope you are successful.

I've donated eggs before but I don't think I could do so for a close family member and watch my genetic offspring grow up as my nephew/niece. I'm still very happy that I donated but I need the distance afforded by anonymity. However I would be a surrogate for my sister in a flash and would be really sad to later find out she'd wanted to ask but didn't - I've had my own babies and pregnancy/birth holds no particular worries for me. I'm actually surprised by PP who would offer donation but not surrogacy - just goes to show we all think differently! I agree with the idea of mentioning that you're thinking of looking for donors/surrogates and seeing how she reacts. I know I would offer if either of my siblings said they were looking for a surrogate.

It cold ruin yur relationship. What if she says no and you don't agree with her reasons (which may simply be she doesn't want to). Pregnancy, labour, birth were horrific for me. No way I could do that for anyone else (I don't want to do it for a second time for myself). I could also never ever carry a child, go through all that and watch someone else bring it up.

Egg donation has signficant side effects and health risks. You are asking her to increase her risk of cancer, DVT and embolysm so you can have a child.

I think YABU.

'Donating eggs doesn't put your life at risk that is so melodramatic and unkind to the OP. You're making or she is selfishly asking her sister to risk her life which is absolutely ridiculous.'

Yes, it does and it's not ridiculous. It carries the risk of OHSS. It's not a large risk but it is there. On top of the fact that it is donating one's genetic material and gamete donation in the UK is not anonymous.

I think your plan of saying you are looking into it by way of a conversation and then guaging her reaction is a great idea. It also gives her the opportunity to mull it over without being put on the spot.

Good luck OP , fingers crossed for you.

expatinscotland - I did say that any family/money/maternity issues needed to be considered. Of course its not as straight forward as just donating/being a surrogate. But you would discuss the above issues and really the risks would be tiny- everything has a risk of death at the extreme

And you would tell the children that mummy helped aunty have a baby. The children would be effectively cousins and trying to treat them as half-siblings, aunts etc would be ridiculous.

Donating eggs doesn't put your life at risk

There are significant risks involved. The hormones used can lead to ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome for example. Loss of an ovary, excessive bleeding, shock and stroke can then occur. Hyperstimulation occurs in about 5%.

The main long term concern is that no one tracks the long term outcome of short but intense hormone useage. So no one knows the long term risks.

It’s not a trivial procedure. Surrogacy also poses all the risks that pregnancy does.

If only it were actually as straightforward as it seems to be in your head Nesssie

You are very naive, Nessie, very, very naive. The risks are not tiny, especially in the case of pregnancy and childbirth. And no one has any idea how the existing children would process it all, they are individuals and it's patently naive to make assumptions on how they process such intensely adult decisions. Anyone with experience of children realises this.

Everyone's different - to me it would be that straight forward and I would have offered by now. If she hasn't offered then she probably doesn't want to.

I wouldn't ask. If my sister asked me I think I would do it but would find it so so so difficult to have a baby grow inside me and then give it to someone else to raise. So then I would be left bitterly regretting it and resenting her - maybe not, but it's a possibility.

Why haven't you considered adoption?

I don't think I could go through pregnancy and have no baby to keep at the end, even as an aunty. Definitely not my eggs.

My older sister asked me to be her egg donor. I wasn't offended and I was, after some thought, willing - I've ached over her fertility struggles and I didn't feel the child would be "mine" if she was birthing and raising it. However, I was breastfeeding my own DS at the time and wasn't willing to stop, and the clinic weren't willing to do treatment unless I stopped. So we didn't get anywhere, which may have prevented complications in the end.

I would not have been willing to be a surrogate under any circumstances, though.

I would happily be my sisters surrogate. Wouldn’t have to think about it.

Couldn’t donate an egg. It would just be too strange having a niece that was as biologically close to me as my own children.