AIBU to ask my sister to help me have a baby

[Astella22]

Hi Everyone

I’d love to get other views and opinions on this topic whatever they may be. To give you a bit of background I've been trying with 5+ years to conceive a baby. I've had 5 rounds of IVF and each one has failed. I managed to get pregnant outside of IVF 3 times and each one has ended in a miscarriage which was devastating for us both. At the end of 2016 we decided to quit and focus on moving on with life childless but I just could seem to let it go and we tried again after taking a break for a year. My clinic have now moved on to the donor conversation. I'll be 38 soon.

My sister has 3 fab kids who I love so much and has finished having her family. Would I BU to ask her to donate an egg or be surrogate for me? I wouldn’t ask her to do both. Anyone who has been through infertility will know the whole thing is an emotional minefield for everyone involved. We have looked into all the options with donor eggs etc but for me having no genetic link to the baby is something I’m really struggling with. One of her kids looks the spit of me aswell so allot of time was spent when they were younger talking about family resemblances, maybe its selfish but I suppose I want that too.

I would also like to add that I have absolutely NO expectation of her saying yes and if she wasn't comfortable with it I wouldn't in a million years hold it against her. I suppose I’m really struggling with asking her as it’s such a HUGE question. I wish every day that I wasn’t in this position and that I would have the strength to move past wanting a child but for now I don’t.

I do have experience with children, working with adopted/fostered children, they can be very accommodating if things are explained to them correctly.

Neither of us are going to agree on this, people are different.
I would, you wouldn't. There's no problem with either of those decisions. End of.

I think you’d be U to ask if she hasn’t offered. A decision such as this doesn’t just involve her, it involves her DP and existing children also and that needs very careful consideration. I’m very close to my DS but I don’t think I could do this for her.

You also need to really think about how it’s going to affect you if she says no. You can’t possibly just assume you’ll be fine with it until she does.

No Turnocks34 you are actually very wrong and strangers on the internet know this better than you...

As an aside, many PP have mentioned the health risks - would you be willing to donate a kidney? As that is quite a risky/painful operation?
Wonder what peoples thoughts on that would be?

Good call, I think, to tell her you're looking into donation and surrogacy and see if she raises the issue herself then. If she doesn't, then tbh no I wouldn't.

From the standpoint of someone who has donated eggs to their sister.... I offered. She didn't ask. If she'd asked it would have put a great deal of pressure on me, and I may have reacted to that. Personally I couldn't be a surrogate and that hasn't come up for discussion. Be aware, that using donor eggs doesn't mean it will definitely work. My sister has unfortunately not been able to get to the bottom of her infertility and so far it hasn't resulted in a pregnancy, which is heartbreaking to watch and I am now too old to donate again. So, while it's a scientific option, it's not a magic wand. Good luck with whatever you decide.

No. I wouldn't want a child that is technically half mine so close.
There is also no way on earth I would put my body through another pregnancy/birth for anyone.

I don't have a sister, just 2 brothers.

I think it is a really hard question. I wouldn't mind you asking, but I would say no
To me, the egg would be my child and I would find it hard to see 'my' child being brought up not by me (however lovely you are as a mum)

It would be easier to donate to a stranger (for me, of course others may feel differently)

I woudl never be able to hand over a baby I had carried, even if it wasn't mine genetically as it is such an emotional thing to carry and give birth to a child, I can't imagine doing that and then handing the baby over.

I am so sorry you have had such a rough time.

It's really unfair to ask her.

1. If she says no and then you don't go on to have children she will forever feel guilty, or feel that you blame her for it.

2. She knows how desperate you are and because she loves you and wants to see you happy, she will no doubt feel immense pressure to say yes.

3. You say you struggle with the idea of not having a genetic link to your baby, but if you carried the baby (from a donor egg, not your sister's), it would take physical and emotional sustinance from your body, which would continue through BF (if you chose to) and general parenting. This is a way more powerful connection than DNA. Anyway, half of the DNA would be your DH's, so still a connection. Also, I think it would be a much much tougher struggle for your sister to be forced to watch 'her' baby grow up as someone else's (I know it would be your baby, but if it was my egg or I had carried the baby I would very much feel it was mine).

astella, this is so hard. I really feel for you. I have been there. I have two donor egg children now. I really struggled with the genetic thing too. But I have no sister.

But one thing jumps out at me.... if you value the genetic link so much and place such an emphasis on it, how would you cope knowing your sister had a greater genetic link to your children than you? It would have the potential to rip your family apart.

Feel free to PM me if you want to know anything or chat further.

Id def donate an egg.

But as someone who had difficult pregnancy and birth I would no way surrogate, and not sure how I'd feel if my sister asked as she knows the situation.

Interesting answers.

Good luck OP

I’ve read three pages of replies and updates now and not one single mention of your partner OP, and you only say “I” not “we”. It’s pretty important that the father is happy with the idea of having a child with his sister in law and, to me, if you were to ask her to either donate an egg or carry then it should be something that both you and your partner ask your sister together. What does he think?

My brother and his wife were in a similar situation. Her sister offered to donate an egg. He felt that having a baby with his SIL would be too weird.

I would do it for a sister if I had one, in fact I would do it for any couple/woman who were childless and desperate. It sounds like you have had a rough time of it.
I would broach the subject with her, it might have not even crossed her mind.

Also just wondering is she the type of person who would have already offered if she was up for it?

(One of my sisters has PCOS and I've already told her I'd donate an egg if she has problems, though she's nowhere near wanting kids.)

Personally I would ask my sister outright. But that’s our relationship. I would then stand back, not pressurise her and respect her decision. Only you know your relationship with your sister. But if you don’t ask you will never know what she would have said.

If I was asked? I’d donate eggs. Happily. Despite the risks.
I would not be a surrogate. The way I’ve felt after my DC births is that I would kill anyone that ever came between me and my baby. I would never be able to hand a baby that I had carried over. For anyone. But it’s such a personal decision.

I also think you should consider long term the effect that this could have on your family. How would you feel during the teenage angst years if your DC came out with ‘auntie X is my real mum anyway’ type lines. In the nicest possible way I think your desire to have a baby on your terms might be clouding your judgement of what would be the best long term family set up.

And to you for everything you’ve gone through trying to have a baby. It took me 6 years to have my first. I can only imagine the toll that what you have been through has taken.

They wouldn't do it, OP. No way.

My sister is infertile, and had 3 rounds of IVF which failed. She offered my eggs (without asking me! ) but was told that as a close family member, ethically they wouldn't use me.

We are now NC, so luckily for me!

She adopted.

If your sister knows about your infertility history and numerous IVF attempts and miscarriages, then I really think she would have already offered to hep in one of those ways if she thought she 'could'.

I don't think I would, no matter how much I love my sister. Baby would be too much mine, I can't take hormones (which are required for egg retrieval), and I haemorrhaged after two of my own babies; I couldn't take a chance of that level having another baby for someone else. My children need me.

I would do it for my sister in a heartbeat but we are very close and I wouldn't do it for anyone else.

I know someone who was a surrogate for a family member. She gave them beautiful twins and didn't suffer physically. But she ended up with a massive PND.

I couldn't and didn't have children (pre-IVF days) and would never have asked my sister (who had three children). IMO it's too huge an ask.

If she says no and then you don't go on to have children she will forever feel guilty, or feel that you blame her for it.

Fwiw I don't feel that even though it didn't work out for me to donate to my sister, and I was her last shot. I feel sad for her but I don't feel responsible. I didn't feel pressured when she asked either, and it would have never spontaneously occhrr d to me to offer because I didn't know egg donation was a thing at the time.

These situations are certainly fraught and difficult but they aren't always disastrous.

Oh gosh it's horribly difficult. Would you feel better maybe writing her a letter? Or perhaps try and have an oblique conversation about the general idea of surrogacy/donation to gauge her opinion? If she doesn't know the full extent of your infertility, she may not realise that this on the cards so may be more frank in her discussion.

Honestly though I couldn't do this. I couldn't carry a child for anyone tbh and I couldn't donate my eggs. What if something happened like the above posters friend who got PND? Or a medical side effect which affected my ability to be fully there for my children?

I would do either for any of my sisters and I wouldn't mind any of them asking.

I think the main things to consider are your relationship with your sister and also how your sister will feel if she wants to say no. It would be awful if although you made it clear there's no expectation but she still felt she was letting you down.

I wouldn't do either for my sisters, I've got three children and a husband and I wouldn't put myself at risk and potentially leave them without myself for this.

I would donate a kidney to a sibling if there were no other matches and it was life or death but most likely only if my children were grown and my husband was willing to take the risk of my death as well.

The scenarios are not comparable to me because you can unfortunately live without children of your own or you can use a non kindship egg or surrogate, it doesn't have to be a sibling in that case.

I don't think I would ask a sibling who has children for these reasons simply because I couldn't risk leaving her children motherless when there are other options for infertility.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking but also really really only if you are prepared for her saying no.

I love my sisters (brother!) dearly and for 2 of them am very willingly listed as their children's guardian in their wills but could not do that. In terms of egg donation I would find it very very hard to see a child in the family which was half mine biologically and my DC's half-sibling and not bring that child up. I find pregnancy way too hard to go through it without the child at the end. It would all completely mess with my head.

I'm not saying this to upset you just say how hard it could be, you wouldn't want it to come between you and your family.

My sister asked me to donate eggs to her. I said no, the reason being I knew I would not like someone bringing up my baby. My sister was always difficult and not very nice to my DC either and we are now also NC. I haven’t seen her for eight years.

Mention you are looking into egg donors to your sister, if she doesn’t offer don’t ask.