AIBU to ask my sister to help me have a baby

[Astella22]

Hi Everyone

I’d love to get other views and opinions on this topic whatever they may be. To give you a bit of background I've been trying with 5+ years to conceive a baby. I've had 5 rounds of IVF and each one has failed. I managed to get pregnant outside of IVF 3 times and each one has ended in a miscarriage which was devastating for us both. At the end of 2016 we decided to quit and focus on moving on with life childless but I just could seem to let it go and we tried again after taking a break for a year. My clinic have now moved on to the donor conversation. I'll be 38 soon.

My sister has 3 fab kids who I love so much and has finished having her family. Would I BU to ask her to donate an egg or be surrogate for me? I wouldn’t ask her to do both. Anyone who has been through infertility will know the whole thing is an emotional minefield for everyone involved. We have looked into all the options with donor eggs etc but for me having no genetic link to the baby is something I’m really struggling with. One of her kids looks the spit of me aswell so allot of time was spent when they were younger talking about family resemblances, maybe its selfish but I suppose I want that too.

I would also like to add that I have absolutely NO expectation of her saying yes and if she wasn't comfortable with it I wouldn't in a million years hold it against her. I suppose I’m really struggling with asking her as it’s such a HUGE question. I wish every day that I wasn’t in this position and that I would have the strength to move past wanting a child but for now I don’t.

I haven’t read all the comments but I think if you have a good relationship there’s no harm in having an open conversation about it even if she’s never mentioned it. A close member of my family had infertility issues and my husband and I discussed whether we should talk to them about surrogacy (we would probably have said yes if they’d asked). In the end IVF was successful but I would hate to think that they were hesitating asking me for help whilst I was also hesitating to offer.

I think more harm can be done than its worth. Use a donor or a surrogate you don't know who actively wants to do it. If she hasn't offered I think it's deeply personal and invasive. I would be very upset if I were to be asked as I have strong personal views on the subject which I don't share, even with family, because I am aware they are offensive and I don't want to upset anyone. Instead I would probably create a distance between myself and the person asking. What if your sister feels like me? You could lose her for the sake of having a child with your looks, which is a matter of chance which you could get with a donor.

I would 100% surrogate or donate my eggs for my sister. But everyone's different. If you're close it wouldn't hurt to ask. Be prepared for her to possibly say no. Good luck x

I couldn’t donate an egg as somebody else would be raising my child, and asking her to surrogate is asking her to risk her life - and considering she has children to think about, it’s a massive deal. I honestly wouldn’t, I would look elsewhere or wait for an offer or look into therapy for dealing with being childless. Good luck

My sisters did this. I would also have donated my eggs too but I had young children at the time and was breastfeeding so easier for other sister to be donor. As others have said there is an age cut off to be an egg donor (I think 34?) so check that before asking. If she did donate your sister would also have counseling to make sure she was happy with her decision and potential future issues. It is a big decision to make and as seen above people feel very differently about it so be prepared for a no. Sorry to hear about your infertility struggles and hope things work out for you .

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here OP. The fact that there are so many different perspectives from people who have or haven't been in you or your sisters position just shows how it is not a clear cut thing. Its very dependent on your relationship and how you and your sister feel. People are of course going to project their own views as that is what you've asked them to do. Only you can know how your sister might feel and make a best guess as to how to float the idea - if at all. People obviously haven't read that your sister doesn't know about the extent of your fertility journey so making her aware sounds like a very considered first step.

Going through ivf and/or pregnancy can be a really tough experience but it isn't necessairly. There are so many unknowns and all you can do is take it one step at a time once you know what your options are. Fwiw I don't think a health risk is the biggest concern with ivf (it's pretty small and as someone who got OHSS from stimming it wasn't that bad, we just delayed embryo transfer as if pregnancy occurs thats when the risk shoots up. and if the donor and surrogate are different people then that will totally impact on that risk). For us it was the practical/time implications of all the scans and tests that was the hard bit. I'd take the physical aspect of stimming over pregnancy any day (and unlike what a PP said my first ttrimester was an absolute piece of cake). But you've been through FIVE rounds so you know what it entails and what you're asking with regards to ivf!!
Good luck with it all :)

I think it's fine to ask, but be comfortable with her saying no, you will both need counseling to work through this whatever way she responds.

Astella, I really feel for you but you know your sister could donate her eggs and your child would be the spitting image of your DH's Great Uncle Bulgaria.

I think you're doing the right thing not asking outright. This isn't a one time ask and solution..its a decision that will be with your extended family in some way or another for the rest of your lives.

Wish you all the best.

I have had four cycles of ivf plus frozen cycles, resulting in success. I used my own eggs. I would donate eggs. I wouldn't be a surrogate though as it would be too much physically for me. My nieces look more like me than their mum, and I love all my nieces and nephews like my babies too. A genetic link would be important for me, like you, and would be something I would have found hard to let go of. I would be happy to pass on my dna to a family member. It's a very personal thing.

Surely if you have managed to get pregnant in the past and harvested eggs for IVF then there is no problem with eggs and it is the carrying baby to term that is the issue?

OP have you determined whether the issue is to do with the seed or the soil? Do you know whether the issue is with your egg / your partner's sperm or the uterine environment? Do you mean gestational surrogacy with your own eggs? Gestational surrogacy with a donor egg? Traditional surrogacy with your sister's egg? Because egg donation and surrogacy solve very different problems

Surrogacy is the only way forward for us because we know we make genetically normal embryos, but my uterus is too damaged to sustain a pregnancy.

If your sister says no, what route would you go down?

Have you had parental karotyping done? Or tissue testing done on the products of conception after your miscarriages? Has your partner had advanced sperm tests like DNA fragmentation and sperm aneuploidy?

Have you been tested for thrombophilia? Uterine nk cells? MTHFR or other immunological issues? Had the environment checked via laparoscopy and hysteroscopy? Had an ERA biopsy?

If the uterine environment is the issue then asking your sister to be an egg donor won't necessarily solve the problem. Equally, if you have issues with egg or sperm then surrogacy using your own embryos won't necessarily solve the issue either

There are a number of women on the surrogacy groups I'm on who are surros for family members - some are traditional surrogates where they're using their eggs.

I would recommend understanding the route you'd go down if she says no, to be clear what you'd actually be asking for and why - and to be prepared for how you'll proceed if she says no

Sorry the first bit of that post was from a PP and should have been in bold!

Could you use a third party to broach the subject (your mum maybe)? She could say you were considering surrogacy/egg donation, and that she'd wondered (as opposed to you), whether it would be something she'd be interested in. Or even just that you were considering it, and see if she volunteers. It being one step away could give your sister a safer place to say no if she wants to.

Hi

Thought I’d give an RL perspective on this as this is how my two dear nephews were conceived. I’ll be honest I don’t see them differently but there have been some bumps between SIL and her sister since, but I think this was due to wider family issues and my SIL being a bit off anyway.

I would hugely encourage you to seek counselling through the donor network first and first be very clear about how you feel. I can see pluses for having in family donors and pluses for total strangers. I would particularly try and avoid focusing on having kids that look like you - my DD is my mini me, DS could be anyone’s !

Once decided, I would encourage you to write to her rather than ask - this will give her time to think and digest. I worry that she could spontaneously say yes because she loves you and then reconsider (it isn’t something for everyone) and find it really hard to pull back.

I don't think you should ask OP.

It puts your sister in a horrible position.

She may feel an overwhelming pressure to do this for you.

The writing a letter is a good idea

I really feel for you OP as I went through years of infertility and unsuccessful IVFs. During that journey I had 2 wonderful friends offer to be a surrogate for me. We decided to have a try at anonymous egg donor route though and thankfully it worked.

As you’ve seen from this thread everybody has their own, very personal, view on surrogacy and egg donation.

You did mention that similar physical appearance was on your mind so I wanted to add that many, many people have said how much me and DS look alike. Now some of this is down to clinic doing egg matching but it’s also down to Manerisms that’s he’s picked up from me.

For me having an unknown donor meant he felt like ALL mine from the moment the egg was fertilised. I don’t have a real person to have to think about just a age number and a blood group (neither of which I remember now !).

I do hope you get to have the family you so want.