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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my sister to help me have a baby

217 replies

Astella22 · 25/04/2018 13:57

Hi Everyone

I’d love to get other views and opinions on this topic whatever they may be. To give you a bit of background I've been trying with 5+ years to conceive a baby. I've had 5 rounds of IVF and each one has failed. I managed to get pregnant outside of IVF 3 times and each one has ended in a miscarriage which was devastating for us both. At the end of 2016 we decided to quit and focus on moving on with life childless but I just could seem to let it go and we tried again after taking a break for a year. My clinic have now moved on to the donor conversation. I'll be 38 soon.

My sister has 3 fab kids who I love so much and has finished having her family. Would I BU to ask her to donate an egg or be surrogate for me? I wouldn’t ask her to do both. Anyone who has been through infertility will know the whole thing is an emotional minefield for everyone involved. We have looked into all the options with donor eggs etc but for me having no genetic link to the baby is something I’m really struggling with. One of her kids looks the spit of me aswell so allot of time was spent when they were younger talking about family resemblances, maybe its selfish but I suppose I want that too.

I would also like to add that I have absolutely NO expectation of her saying yes and if she wasn't comfortable with it I wouldn't in a million years hold it against her. I suppose I’m really struggling with asking her as it’s such a HUGE question. I wish every day that I wasn’t in this position and that I would have the strength to move past wanting a child but for now I don’t. Sad

OP posts:
Elementtree · 25/04/2018 14:33

No. I wouldn't do it for my sister. I would throw myself in harm's way to save her but you'd never get a baby that grew in my body out of my kung-fu grip.

biffyboom · 25/04/2018 14:33

If you talk to your sister about the need to possibly use surrogacy or an egg donor, and she doesn't offer, then personally I wouldn't ask.
But you know your sister and if it would affect her circumstances or be possible, so if you share a relationship where you could ask direct, ask her to think about it.

expatinscotland · 25/04/2018 14:33

'All 3 of her pregnancies went great, she is under 35, fit and healthy.'

But she didn't have any more for a reason. She didn't want to be pregnant anymore or have any more genetic children. You're asking her to either go through an invasive procedure that can endanger her health to hand over her genetic material or go through another pregnancy and birth (that can also endanger her health and will affect her relationship, perhaps temporarily, perhaps more if she develops health problems or has complications) and there's no way she won't feel guilty about saying no.

Again, this is why some clinics will not allow kinship donors or surrogates.

Knitjob · 25/04/2018 14:34

I couldn't donate an egg if I was going to be around the baby growing up. I would be forever looking at the baby wondering if it looked like me or had any of my personality traits. I'm the only one in our family with really curly hair. What if the baby had my curly hair? And my bil's nose? That's too big a thing for me to get my head round. I don't know how I would feel when I saw that baby.
But I might be open to talking to a counsellor about it for my sister if she asked.
I'm sorry you're having to think about all this x

Thirtyrock39 · 25/04/2018 14:35

I agree with the previous posters who say you need to tell her you're exploring the idea of egg donors and surrogacy. See if she then offers. I don't think you can ask her.

Cornishclio · 25/04/2018 14:36

Surely if you have managed to get pregnant in the past and harvested eggs for IVF then there is no problem with eggs and it is the carrying baby to term that is the issue?

I agree that if she knows you are considering down this route and has not offered you should not ask. It is a big thing to ask of anyone, her health could be compromised and she has three children and a husband depending on her.

Nesssie · 25/04/2018 14:36

I would do either/both for my sister in a heartbeat and I truly mean that. I've not had children, and tbh don't want them for a long time yet, but I would do this for her tomorrow if she was in your position.

I would like to think that I would have offered by this stage, but perhaps she is unsure whether it is something you want, and doesn't know how to bring it up?

It makes me sad that people wouldn't do this for their sister, if they know what she had gone through and how desperate she would be for a baby. But my sister and I are very close so maybe its not the same situation for everyone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2018 14:37

No I don’t think you can ask her. I think you should tell her what has happened and where you are in your quest to be a parent. If she offers to be a surrogate when you explain the situation to her, fine. But not otherwise.

Troels · 25/04/2018 14:37

I agree with the others here, have a conversation about how you are thinking of moving on to a surrogate or donated eggs, see what she says. She may say nothing for a while and think about it before saying anything to you.

Nesssie · 25/04/2018 14:37

Adding to my post, I guess the practicalities would have to be thought out - money issues, family commitments, maternity leave etc.

Knitjob · 25/04/2018 14:38

I'm guessing she knows about your struggles, has she ever said anything to suggest she would be open to helping you? You'd think it must have crossed her mind. If she's thought about it and not said anything at all then maybe it's not something she can do.

Hippee · 25/04/2018 14:38

Maybe have the conversation about how you are thinking of going down that route, without asking her to do it. If she is willing she would come back to you and the suggestion would then come from her.

LloydColeandtheCoconuts · 25/04/2018 14:38

I’m really close to my sister but I wouldn’t go it for her. It wouldn’t damage our relationship though.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 25/04/2018 14:38

I see no reason not to ask her,only she can make the decision but I really hope she will do it for u....i defo would for my sister. Actually I would like to be a seragate. Good luck

newvloggerperhaps · 25/04/2018 14:39

As long as you make it clear that you are fully prepared for her to say no and it won’t change anything I think it’s fine to ask.

My sister and I were talking about this recently (although neither of us are in this situation) and she was quite clear that she would never do this for me. Which I accept fully and understand. I would do it for her in a heartbeat. I have a very very dear friend who says she would carry for me in a heartbeat but couldn’t donat an egg. So as long as you make it clear to her there is no expectation I’m sure it will be fine.

WonderTweek · 25/04/2018 14:41

Surrogate no, egg yes. I have lost a baby once and know what it’s like to absolutely yearn for a living child, and if I could help someone out I would. I couldn’t go through another pregnancy but would donate an egg.

sunnyshowers · 25/04/2018 14:41

Where I am it's not direct donation in this situation. Her egg would go to first person on the list and then you'd be top for next donation....now my friend who wanted an egg told me this. Fortunately didn't need it in the end (I hadn't my own kids at this stage) she felt it lessened the possibility of ownership? Could be nonsense though

expatinscotland · 25/04/2018 14:46

'Actually I would like to be a seragate. Good luck'

You are free to offer yourself up to be a surrogate. There are plenty of clinics you can contact if you're interested in becoming a surrogate.

I'm really close to my sister but I wouldn't do either for her. I see my eggs as my genetic material and any child resulting from them as my children. Technically, I had good pregnancies and births but after three of them it was a lot of wear and tear on my body (I had to do a lot of physio for separated abdominal muscles, my boobs are no longer perky, I had piles, have had to do pelvic floor tightening) and I never want to do it again. That's very personal and I'd feel guilty if she asked (she won't as she's now 51 with 2 grown children) and feel I had to justify it and it would affect our relationship.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/04/2018 14:46

I think I would say that you were thinking of surrogacy and gauge her response. Then take it from there. But not ask her direct.

By the way I think there is a HUGE difference between the two given that she is your sister. Surrogacy is huge, HUGE but at the end of the day she would be participating for the pregnancy and carrying a child that's yours and your husbands. Egg donation with such a close relative is totally discouraged for good reason- it's just too close. You say you would be bothered about no genetic link- if genetics is AT ALL important to you, then the fact that the baby would genetically be your sister and your husband's child would, I think, bother you a whole lot more. No. And far far too much to ask of her even if you think you might be ok with it now.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 25/04/2018 14:46

I think it depends on your situation. Are you absolutely confident that your sister would feel comfortable saying no if she didn't want to? Or would she feel pressured because she loves you to say yes even if she didn't?

Personally, I think it would be very difficult for a person to be a surrogate to someone within their close family because it would make the boundaries very blurred. If your sister saw the baby regularly would she be able to see it as yours rather than hers?

Egg donation is perhaps a better route forward, if she is willing.

Good luck, I hope you find a good solution for you all ❤️

pumpkinpie01 · 25/04/2018 14:47

I think its a case of if you dont ask you will always be wondering 'what if ? '. What if you dont ask her then in ten years time she says 'Oh you should have asked me of course I would have done that for you '. I would tell her about all the IVF and the miscarriages and explain why you hadnt told her everything. Then just bite the bullet and ask her.(I had trouble conceiving and a close friend offered for me, didnt need to take her up on it in the end but the offer was there) Good luck

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 25/04/2018 14:47

I wouldn't ask. Well and good if she offered, but it's a huge imposition. And she has 3 other children to consider.
I would feel under huge pressure if my sister asked me. I know I'm so lucky I have my kids and I know that I would want her to have that experience. I think that if I said no and she then didn't proceed I would feel as if it was my fault. And I'd be afraid that she might think the same.

Cindie943811A · 25/04/2018 14:48

OP you will never know how your sister feels until you ask her. What if in 10 or 15 years when it’s too late she asks why you never asked her as she didn’t think of it herself at the time?
Personally, I’d ask if she was willing to donate an egg — sounds as if there may be a genetic problem with your ova which causes the mc. If your gyny says you are perfectly healthy mechanically re carrying a child then you won’t need a surrogate. Hopefully more than one ovum could be harvested so you’d have 2 or more chances to carry a child that is genetically part yours and part your DH’s

Iamallatsea · 25/04/2018 14:48

I find it interesting that pp who would consider it are mostly okay with either egg donation or surrogacy and not both. I had this conversation with one of my sisters who had gone through 3 cycles of IVF I offered to be an egg doner - and I meant it, if it came to that point. I could not have handed over a baby at birth that I carried so surrogacy was out of the question.
My DSis and BIL ultimately decided to foster and then they were lucky enough to adopt.
I do think though that if your sister would consider doing this for you she would have already raised the subject.

Lauren83 · 25/04/2018 14:49

I had 5 cycles (3 with anon donors) and for me I wanted an anon donor rather than someone I knew, if it's important to have the genetic link then go for it. A lot of women who want a known donor do end up using an altruistic though as the donor doesn't pass the screening and it's often you can maximise your chances using an alt donor who had been selected due to very high AFC, AMH etc. Just be prepared that you might have a tough decision if she said yes and her results came back sub optimal.