Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

AIBU to ask my sister to help me have a baby

217 replies

Astella22 · 25/04/2018 13:57

Hi Everyone

I’d love to get other views and opinions on this topic whatever they may be. To give you a bit of background I've been trying with 5+ years to conceive a baby. I've had 5 rounds of IVF and each one has failed. I managed to get pregnant outside of IVF 3 times and each one has ended in a miscarriage which was devastating for us both. At the end of 2016 we decided to quit and focus on moving on with life childless but I just could seem to let it go and we tried again after taking a break for a year. My clinic have now moved on to the donor conversation. I'll be 38 soon.

My sister has 3 fab kids who I love so much and has finished having her family. Would I BU to ask her to donate an egg or be surrogate for me? I wouldn’t ask her to do both. Anyone who has been through infertility will know the whole thing is an emotional minefield for everyone involved. We have looked into all the options with donor eggs etc but for me having no genetic link to the baby is something I’m really struggling with. One of her kids looks the spit of me aswell so allot of time was spent when they were younger talking about family resemblances, maybe its selfish but I suppose I want that too.

I would also like to add that I have absolutely NO expectation of her saying yes and if she wasn't comfortable with it I wouldn't in a million years hold it against her. I suppose I’m really struggling with asking her as it’s such a HUGE question. I wish every day that I wasn’t in this position and that I would have the strength to move past wanting a child but for now I don’t.

OP posts:

Nettleskeins · 25/04/2018 14:49

could there be something else causing the miscarriage low implantation which has nothing to do with your eggs? Some clinics are meticulous about checking every aspect before IVF cycle, others less so. I had IVF at the Hammersmith Hospital 18 years ago, it was good then, probably even better now. Really checked everything to a degree that seemed invasive and over clinical at the time but resulted in three babies, 2 pregnancies. I was 34 and 36 when I conceived through IVF.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 25/04/2018 14:50

It's a big ask. One of my pregnancies nearly killed me.

Not sure I could ask someone else to go through the risks, even if they were close.

I'm sorry you are struggling to conceive

Serin · 25/04/2018 14:51

I think to ask her would be to put a huge amount of pressure on her and her partner/family.

Are you going to be there when she is huge and knackered to put her little ones to bed or get them to school in the morning?

How will they cope with the financial losses incurred with more mat leave?

I would give my sister a kidney in a heartbeat but would struggle to donate an egg or be a surrogate.

I wish you well OP, but honestly think you would be better going down the private egg donation/surrogacy route.

Original poster

Astella22 · 25/04/2018 14:51

Thanks to everyone who has commented. Im going to go with the suggestion of telling her Im looking into egg donation and surrogacy and see what her opinions are on it all.
I suppose I was just trying to gauge opinion before I approached it with her as I'm acutely aware of how bias/skewed my take on it all is.

OP posts:

BlueSapp · 25/04/2018 14:51

It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask, but just don't get your hopes up just in case.

gingerbreadbiscuits · 25/04/2018 14:52

I could not carry a baby, give birth to it and then hand it over to someone else.

Even a healthy pregnancy will take its toll on her, it takes 2 years for your body to recover if there are no problems, and have a massive impact on her family with the risk of her dying.

starlightmeteorite · 25/04/2018 14:52

@Nessie I mean this nicely, but you haven't had children yet so you haven't experienced pregnancy, birth and the emotions that go with those. Carrying a baby for someone else doesn't seem like such a major deal until you factor in the hormonal and emotional side of things. Pre kids I said I'd do the same for my dsis. Now, having had 2 dcs I know I couldn't. It isn't sad that people on here say they couldn't do what the OP is asking. It is just that they know that for them it wouldn't be possible.

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 25/04/2018 14:53

I would want to do this for my sister but the surrogacy part would require lots of consideration. I think she would have offered if she felt comfortable to do it but depending on your relationship I think it's fine to ask too. It's a hard conversation for you but it sounds like, understandably, it's very much the focus of your mind

Wallywobbles · 25/04/2018 14:55

I'd donate an egg. I don't think it'd trouble me.

ChocolateDoll · 25/04/2018 14:57

You’d also have to give serious consideration to the impact on her children.

How are they going to deal with being around for the whole of their mum’s pregnancy and then not getting a sibling at the end of it?

Not to mention the huge emotional and physical impact that a pregnancy will have on her ability to parent them for the best part of a year.

And finally, all pregnancies are a health risk, and this is a huge consideration when you are already mother to 3 existing children.

It is these reasons that would lead me to say no if I was ever asked. I’d feel huge guilt, and I may be prepared to put my own feelings aside in order to do it, but not those of my already existing children.

Original poster

Astella22 · 25/04/2018 14:57

@starlightmeteorite I have another sister who has had no kids yet and for this reason I wouldn't ask her as your right of course unless you have had a baby you have no idea of the impact.

OP posts:

Kokeshi123 · 25/04/2018 14:58

"Are you going to be there when she is huge and knackered to put her little ones to bed or get them to school in the morning?

How will they cope with the financial losses incurred with more mat leave?"

My understanding is that with surrogacy arrangements, it is usual for the beneficiary to fund all associated costs--costs of not working for 8 weeks or whatever it would be, costs of hiring any domestic help required during the pregnancy, etc. etc.

The thing that would worry me most of all would be the potential for birth injuries.

Nitw1t · 25/04/2018 14:58

My sister recently told me she was investigating egg donation and surrogacy. The first thing I did was offer my eggs for donation, completely understanding that they are unavailable without intervention. I'm over 35, so not eligible - and I'm a bit sad that I can't help her in that way. I would have been fine with her asking me, we're very close.

I've had 2 straightforward pregnancies of my own (and a couple of miscarriages) and I didn't, nor wouldn't offer to act as a surrogate - physically and emotionally it wouldn't be possible.

But I hope you are close enough to have a conversation about it and walk away with your relationship intact. It's as much about you being accepting of her option of saying no, as it is about her considering it for you.

jamoncrumpets · 25/04/2018 14:59

I think you've oversimplified how easy pregnancy is for your DSis in your mind, OP, which is understandable given your circumstances. Before I had DC I probably would've said I'd do this for my DSis in a heartbeat. I wouldn't now.

No matter how easy it may look, pregnancy is nine months of sacrifice. The first trimester isn't easy for anybody. Then there's all the appointments for scans, midwives, consultants etc. The third trimester where the baby constantly kicks you in the bladder and makes you piss yourself, or cracks a rib. Then the birth. Well, that's never 'great'. At best nobody gets permanently damaged. At worst, well, go on the Childbirth forum. And the only reason most women go through all that shit is because at the end of it they get to care for and love their child.

Imagine going through that and having to hand the child to somebody else. Practically impossible isn't it? Now imagine handing that baby to your sister and having to watch it grow up from afar. Nightmare.

Nesssie · 25/04/2018 15:01

starlightmeteorite - I love my sister and seeing her go through all that, I would 100% do it. I can say that with absolute certainty. I've seen people close to me not able to have children and I almost feel selfish as I can, but choose not to. My emotions would be happiness for my sister.
But I probably wouldn't do my egg and me carrying it, thinking about it, as that would be too close to having my own child.

If it was her egg that I was carrying, I wouldn't see it as mine - it would be my niece/nephew and I was helping my big sister be the amazing mum she should be. If it was my egg that she was carrying, again still my niece/nephew, I'm just giving her some genetic material.

Obviously for those that have had bad pregnancies and labour then its understandable and tbh she would understand herself.

Marnie182 · 25/04/2018 15:02

Egg donation yes

Surrogacy no

I think YABU to ask for surrogacy sorry

PathologyGeek · 25/04/2018 15:03

I’d do it for my sister in a heartbeat. It’d be hard, but so rewarding. We’ve also had fertility issues, and I utterly get the need for a genetic/biological link with the baby. She may be waiting for you to bring it up, not wanting to patronise you/ already feeling guilty for her apparent success.

Nesssie · 25/04/2018 15:03

Now imagine handing that baby to your sister and having to watch it grow up from afar. Nightmare.
Or imagine watching your sister have the baby she has always wanted? The happiness you would both get.

But as I am not a mother I'm not allowed to apparently...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/04/2018 15:04

I honestly think if she was comfortable doing this she would have mentioned it before now.

ChocolateDoll · 25/04/2018 15:05

Hang on - did you say she’d had hyperemisis in 2 of her pregnancies? If that’s the case, then end of sports. There’s no way she could it. She would literally be risking her life, and the clinic would be unlikely to agree to it anyway.

jamoncrumpets · 25/04/2018 15:05

I'm just saying you don't have first hand knowledge of being pregnant Nesssie, which would of course mean you have a less informed opinion about this. Obvs you can still have an opinion!

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 25/04/2018 15:06

I would do either/both for my sister in a heartbeat and I truly mean that. I've not had children
Before i had my children I'd have said the same. Not a chance I'd do it now though.

Original poster

Astella22 · 25/04/2018 15:09

@ChocolateDoll - no I had hyperemisis in 2 of my pregnancies.

OP posts:

JustHappy3 · 25/04/2018 15:09

Personally i could never ask someone i loved to do that for me.
There's the risk to life from ivf. Very small i know but it's there. (Anyone laughing at this needs to do some research - and i know someone who did nearly die)
There's pregnancy related illnesses and damage that can be caused by pregnancy.
There's the risk to mental health for everyone in the surrogate family - the mum, the husband and their children.
You need to really be aware of what you're asking before you ask.

Nesssie · 25/04/2018 15:09

I meant 'either/or' by the way, not 'either/both' - I would use my egg and carry it.
And I'd do it before having my own children or after.
But only for my sister, I adore her and she would be the only person who I could put before myself.
Maybe its because I'm not maternal?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread