AIBU to ask my sister to help me have a baby

[Astella22]

Hi Everyone

I’d love to get other views and opinions on this topic whatever they may be. To give you a bit of background I've been trying with 5+ years to conceive a baby. I've had 5 rounds of IVF and each one has failed. I managed to get pregnant outside of IVF 3 times and each one has ended in a miscarriage which was devastating for us both. At the end of 2016 we decided to quit and focus on moving on with life childless but I just could seem to let it go and we tried again after taking a break for a year. My clinic have now moved on to the donor conversation. I'll be 38 soon.

My sister has 3 fab kids who I love so much and has finished having her family. Would I BU to ask her to donate an egg or be surrogate for me? I wouldn’t ask her to do both. Anyone who has been through infertility will know the whole thing is an emotional minefield for everyone involved. We have looked into all the options with donor eggs etc but for me having no genetic link to the baby is something I’m really struggling with. One of her kids looks the spit of me aswell so allot of time was spent when they were younger talking about family resemblances, maybe its selfish but I suppose I want that too.

I would also like to add that I have absolutely NO expectation of her saying yes and if she wasn't comfortable with it I wouldn't in a million years hold it against her. I suppose I’m really struggling with asking her as it’s such a HUGE question. I wish every day that I wasn’t in this position and that I would have the strength to move past wanting a child but for now I don’t.

I would be a surrogate but I could never donate my egg, sister or not.

You know your sister better than we do, you could ask her and see what she says but make it really clear that her response will not affect your relationship in anyway.

Have you considered how you would feel if

A) she said yes and you have to watch her carry the child, or how you would feel if she ends up with long term health issues due to the baby.
B) what if she said no?

It might be a good idea to talk this through with a brilliant organisation called the donor conception network. I understand your feelings around the absence of a genetic link but, and I say this with kindness, it's not all about your feelings - to have a donor within your close family may well become complicated both for your sister and for the child as it grows up.

Have you talked to her about your situation generally? Have you shared with her all the pain of loss? Have you told her you are now facing the question of donor eggs and how you feel about this?

If you have not shared any of the above, then really it is too much to go straight to such a heavily loaded question.

If you have shared all the above and she has not offered, then I think you have your answer!

Putting pressure on by asking is not a great idea, you are desperate, but putting pressure on your sister could damage your relationship with her and others in your family.

If someone asked me, I would feel guilty for saying no. I would possibly have offered to be a surrogate for my sister had the need arisen, but I would personally never feel comfortable with egg donation. If you don't know how your sister feels on such matters, then perhaps your relationship is not close enough to be asking something so significant?

The more people post and I think about it,the more I think that you need to put aside the desire for a genetic link and consider non-related donors and surrogates. The potential for problems and compilations in the future is just too great.

She'd have the impact on her DH and existing children to consider as well as her own health and feelings, I do think it would be unreasonable of you to ask.

Having been through 3 births I know I could never hand over a baby after pregnancy n birth. I'd donate an egg though have no emotional connection to them. Very difficult conversation I think if says no & u never have kids it could hang over you both forever I probably would say to her u thinking of the donor route etc n see if she offers.

DSis and I are well into our 60's now and fortunately have our own DC's and DGC's.
However, and we have spoken retrospectively about this, we would have done this for each other and we're sure that our mother would've been supportive too.
I hope that you and your sister come to an agreement that results in a pregnancy.I can't imagine what it must be like to have such heartbreak as you've suffered.
Thank God for modern medicine and medical science.
Best of luck

i can understand why you would want to ask her, of course. But I can't help thinking that, assuming she knows about all the IVF and miscarriages, surely she would have thought about the possibility and offered already, if she wanted to do so?

It just seems such a minefield if she doesn't want to, for whatever reason, and could then feel under pressure not to let you down, however much you say you won't mind. Also surely you would feel disappointed if she said no. I don't see how it couldn't affect your relationship once the question is 'out there'.

Is it something you've ever talked to her about before, even vaguely?

I think that most women would have to say no to such a request, and you should assume she will say no.

Either she would see you raising a baby that was half hers, genetically, or raising a baby that she'd carried and given birth to. Watching you take parenting decisions she disagreed with, and making normal first-time-parent mistakes would be very difficult for her.

I wouldn't ask. I also wouldn't do this for my sister. That's because I have absolutely hideous pregnancies that bring me to the very brink of my physical and mental health (HG for the full nine months). I'm having my tubes tied at the same time as I deliver DC2 in June for this exact reason.

If my DSis asked me then I would see that as her not acknowledging just how much I've sacrificed already to have my own two DCs. Having a baby is never straightforward, however easy your DSis may make it look. The risk increases with each subsequent birth, and as the mother ages.

I'd feel slightly less weird about donating an egg, but only slightly. I'd still feel that it was my baby in there, and I don't think I could handle that.

No way. If she is as close as you say, then she would be aware of your struggles to conceive.

She would have offered herself by now if she was keen on the idea.

Have you considered adoption?

Ok so to answer some of the questions
All 3 of her pregnancies went great, she is under 35, fit and healthy.

@Skarossinkplunger I completely understand on the waiting for her to offer maybe I should go with this. I keep going around and around with this question and I this if it was me Id like her to ask.

@Zioanna - I would HATE for her to feel pressurised into this.

@Fatted totally understand

I am close with my sister but she isnt fully aware of everything I've been through. She knows I've had 1 miscarriage and 1 failed IVF attempts. This was all going on when she was having her last 2 kids so I wanted her to be able to talk to me about what she was going through not hide it incase she would upset me. Ive had some friends try to be 'sensitive' to my situation which was great but some of it made me feel excluded from what was going on in their lives and I didn't want this with my sister.

Does she know that you are considering egg donation and surrogacy in general? If she knows and hasn't offered then I think you have your answer.

I would ask my sister if it were me. Do you think a donated egg could make a difference though? I would even carry a child for her, I think, if it didn't involve my own eggs, but we're v close.

YABU i'm afraid. I have first hand experience of how badly this can damage a relationship. I think if your desire to have a biologically yours child outweighs your desire to have a child you have some things that you can maybe work through.

Many people adopt and foster or are adopted, fostered and to bring in a lack of biological connection to a conversation over who their parents are is a bit weird in reality. If you think you have love to give to a child the biological connection will be secondary.

No I think it would not be reasonable.

I sympathise hugely with your situation, but this is a big deal. Donating an egg means it’s genetically her baby. Most donors don’t see the baby day to day but she’d be seeing it frequently. That may be emotionally extremely hard for her. I couldn’t do it. She may also be too old.
Ditto surrogacy - most surrogates get to put distance between themselves and the child but she couldn’t do this.

I think this is an emotional minefield. Asking, with however many qualifiers or assurances you don’t mind if she says no WILL put pressure on her. I’m thinking of how I’d feel if I was asked this and he answer is that I personally would say no, but I’d feel terrible about it and I think it would damage the relationship.

Talk to her! Tell her what you are thinking - she may be waiting for you to speak about it. Personally I would LOVE to be a surrogate for someone as I too suffered infertility due to PCOS.

Good luck OP.

Her pregnancies may have been 'great' up until now OP. Doesn't mean that a fourth would be the same. I think you need to close the door on this one, tbh.

Tricky one, especially assuming she's fairly close to you in age. I think only you can know what sorts of conversations you've had in the past to judge how she might react. The most important thing is whether you can find a way to open the discussion that makes it clear there is no pressure or expectation on your part.

For quite a while I'd thought I'd offer to help my sister in such a way if it became necessary - medical problems in her early teens made it quite likely she'd need IVF. As it turned out the surgeon involved when she was young was a miracle worker, so we never had the conversation. (18 months between our eldest)

Hopefully you can let her know that you are thinking about donors etc and leave it at that, either she feels able to offer, or she doesn't, and you can avoid feeling you've pressured her?

Good luck whatever happens.

Hypothetical conversations are just that. 'Oh, I'd do this in a heartbeat.' Yeah, but it's not you who is being asked. The OP says she struggles with not having a genetic tie to the baby, well, the sister might feel the same or she'd have offered. It's unfair to ask someone to inject herself with hormones (not risk free) and have her eggs harvested and give away her genetic material or ask her to carry a child and go through birth when she's finished her family. A lot of people would feel guilty about saying no. It's asking her to put her health in danger and she has children who rely on her.

No I don't think I'd ask this - too big an imposition on anyone.

I'd look into other forms of surrogacy or adoption.

I would donate an egg without question. I would not be a surrogate because I would not be able to give up a baby I had carried and given birth to. I would see the child as mine, and the thought of having to hand 'my' baby to someone ele would destroy me emotionally.

Surrogate yes ... Donate Eggs... no

It would be really wrong of you to ask her. Tell her that you have been told that you can only have a baby with a donor egg but you are struggling with not being related to the baby genetically. If she wants to be your donor she will offer. I have offered to be a surrogate for a family member myself. It was a difficult decision to make without any input from others. But if she had asked that would have made it much more difficult and would have made it difficult for me to know that I was offering because I wanted to add opposed to feeling like I couldn't say no.

@Ginseng1 terrified of this ruining our relationship not from my perspective becasue I know how to be tough emotionally but the impact on her is what I cant know at this stage.

I dont in any way feel entitled to a bio link to a child and I wouldn't ask her to carry and donate as I not sure who could do that apart from superwoman.

@jamoncrumpets had HG on two of the pregnancies so I completely understand how you feel on this. Its was absolutely horrific.