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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DSD's mum smoking in her car

24 replies

upsideup · 22/04/2018 17:04

I bought dsd a car when she was 17 which was sold a few years ago as she spends a lot of time in London where its cheaper and easier for her to use public transport. We then bought her this car last year as when she stays here in the middle of nowhere (no reliable public transport) its useful for her to have a car so we dont have to give her lifts everywhere and also so she can help driving my younger kids around sometimes, so although this car is also tecnically hers its for our benefit and to be used whens shes staying with us, we are paying the insurance etc and she isnt allowed to just sell it.
Once a month she goes and visits her mum for the weekend and takes the car, her mum doesnt drive so during this weekend uses dsd and the car to go places she normally wouldnt be able to get to so spends a lot of time in it which is fine but she smokes constantly and when the car is returned for it to be used by my kids as well it smells awful.

Would It be unreasonable for me to say her mum can't smoke in the car?

OP posts:

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 22/04/2018 17:06

Perfectly reasonable.
You own the car and a smelly car will get less when resold

specialsubject · 22/04/2018 17:07

if it is your daughter's car it is for her to say. she isnt a child so no offence committed, although being so addicted that the woman cant stay off the turds for a short journey is quite tragic.

LakieLady · 22/04/2018 17:07

Yes YABU. It's DSD's car so it's up to her.

If you want her to take your kids places and don't want them travelling in her smelly car, lend her yours.

PotteringAlong · 22/04/2018 17:07

It depends. Is it your car that DSD borrows or is it her car?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2018 17:08

Lay down the law right now. NO ONE is to smoke in your car. Not her mother, not anyone. How disgusting. Tell her if it happens again she will be paying to have the odour removed and she will no longer be allowed to drive it.

AngryGinger · 22/04/2018 17:10

Is it possible she hasn’t smoked in it but because she’s a smoker the car just smells because the smell is in her clothes etc.

If Dsd isn’t home that much and she doesn’t often ferry your children around id be inclined to leave it and just open windows/febreeze.

It’s a tricky one to raise though, smoking in someone else’s car is quite bad manners IMO. However she might have asked and her daughter said yes.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2018 17:10

You bought it, you use it, and you pay the insurance. It's your car.

AngryGinger · 22/04/2018 17:12

17 year old me would absolutely ask my mum not to smoke in the car. I’d almost certainly have refused to drive my youngers siblings anywhere either. Of course older me knows that’s petty.

Original poster

upsideup · 22/04/2018 17:14

The first was definately dsd's car and I would have known I would be unreasonable to put restrictions on how it can be used, she sold it and got the mone
This car was only bought for her because its useful for us when she is staying here, so Its kind of in between being her car and being my car that she borrows.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2018 17:16

It is your car. She merely borrows it. Tell her there is to be no smoking in your car.

Coveredinbeeeeeeeeeeeees · 22/04/2018 17:16

Your DSD could be smoking in the car and then blaming it on her mum.

honeylulu · 22/04/2018 17:20

Who's name is the car registered in?

GreenVoyage · 22/04/2018 17:42

There's no bit of ours bit of hers. It's either her car or your car.

What's probably happened is you've bought the car but gifted it to DSD which makes it HER car. You can't put restrictions on it.

Pengggwn · 22/04/2018 17:44

Could you sell it? If so, it's your car and YANBU. If not, and when the car is sold the money will be your DSD's, it's her car and YABU.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 22/04/2018 17:45

If you pay the insurance costs (which are likely quite high for a young person) then you can have a say, just explain that you won’t be funding the costs if she allows people to smoke in the car. Whether it’s worth the fall out of that decision is up to you...

DuchyDuke · 22/04/2018 17:55

The car is either hers or not. If it’s your car that you allow her to use then you should be clear and say no she can’t use it to see her mum. If it’s her car then let her use it however she wants.

Original poster

upsideup · 22/04/2018 22:39

Car is registered in my name which I guess is the answer to whose car it is. Pretty certain dsd will be in agreement about her mum not smoking in the car byt also pretty certain her mum wont be at all happy in which case theres not really much more I can do apart from telling her she cant take the car to see her mum anymore.
Its definately not dsd who is smoking.

OP posts:

BasilFaulty · 22/04/2018 22:41

Not unreasonable at all.

As an aside, and from a fellow stepmum, you sound lovely

honeylulu · 23/04/2018 06:34

Car is registered in my name
That simplifies things. It's your car that you allow SD to use as a favour.
So, no smoking in it or she cannot take it to her mum's.

KC225 · 23/04/2018 06:52

I think you should say something. It is your car that SD has use of - its not her car. Definitely say something. It doesn't have to be confrontational.

Cigarette smoke is vile and can linger. I do agree with the above poster who mentioned the mother may not be smoking in the car, if she is a heavy smoker it will be on her clothes, hair etc.

user1471447863 · 23/04/2018 08:41

The sooner it is made illegal (and enforced) to smoke in cars the better.
I have owned cars that have been previously owned by smokers and you can never fully get rid of the smell - even years later you will get in and there suddenly be random a whiff of stake fag smell.

To be a bit pedantic about the ownership issue - your name on the V5 does not make you automatically the owner, V5 even states at the top "This document is not proof of ownership". It merely shows who is the registered keeper. Though it does sound like it is yours that she has primary use of while she is with you.

WowLookAtYou · 23/04/2018 09:01

I would point blank refuse to buy a used car that smelled of smoke so yes, it could damage the re-sale value.

Handsfull13 · 23/04/2018 09:10

Be honest with your SD and tell her you aren't happy about her Mum smoking in the car. And because it is your car she has two options she can stop her Mum smoking in the car or she isn't to take the car to her mums.
If she's old enough to drive then she's old enough to have an adult conversation with.

I'm guessing you don't mind being the bad guy in her mums eyes so let her blame it on you to her mum. It might make her feel better telling her Mum she can't smoke in the car.

Original poster

upsideup · 28/04/2018 10:49

Thankyou everyone, I spoke to dsd and turns out she also didnt want her mum to smoke in the car while she was in it but didnt want to have to tell her to stop so we agreed she just wouldnt take the car to her mums anymore and as pp said I am happy to be seen as the bad guy in all this, so all sorted out.

OP posts:

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