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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To betray a colleague's confidence?

27 replies

fadingfast · 20/04/2018 12:33

Colleague has recently returned from her second maternity leave and is clearly struggling. We work in quite a pressured, competitive environment. She has confided in me, I think because I have older DC and I'm also not line management. She is concerned about appearing weak or inflexible, but her managers don't seem to have noticed that she is not in a good place mentally. They are not uncaring, just very busy and results-focussed.

WIBU to share my concerns with them? I feel very uncomfortable with betraying my colleague's confidence when I think she regards me as a bit of a safety net. But I am very concerned about her. WWYD?

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 20/04/2018 12:36

I wouldn't speak to them, but would encourage her to speak to management before it becomes even more of an issue.

Are they sympathetic to people with MH issues, or simply struggling?

applesisapple5 · 20/04/2018 12:37

I would encourage her to speak to her manager.
You can't do anything apart from be a sounding board, if that's what she needs she should speak to a friend she doesn't work with.
If she wants actual help she'll speak to a manager, and if she won't do that then say unfortunately you can't be her sounding board any longer, it's too much.

FedUpMumma · 20/04/2018 12:40

DONT speak to her managers!
What she needs is support not her confidence broken.
Help her if you can and encourage her to speak to her GP and managers.

Original poster
fadingfast · 20/04/2018 12:47

To be clear, I am quite happy for her to confide in me. I just want to help her. I have suggested she arrange to meet with the team leader, so I think she might try to do so next week. I agree it's probably best I let it come from her.

OP posts:
MrsExpo · 20/04/2018 12:47

You need to encourage her to speak to HR or her direct line manager. Not your place to do this for her, and she may just be getting back on her feet after being away for a time and need a bit more time to get back into the swing of things at work.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 20/04/2018 12:49

You need to speak to your hr dept. If anything happens and you knew she was struggling it could be awkward for you

Smellyoulateralligater · 20/04/2018 12:50

I think it’s definitely best that it comes from her, fading

It’s great that you’re supporting her and it sounds like she will speak to them. Encourage her to do that. Don’t go over her head and speak for her unless she agrees

Smellyoulateralligater · 20/04/2018 12:53

Lots of people struggle after coming back from maternity or any long leave. I don’t think it’s appropriate to go to HR. Talk about formalising something...

I’ve told a colleague I’m struggling with something. I’d be LIVID if they decided to report it...

Original poster
fadingfast · 20/04/2018 13:05

It's just so frustrating that it is evident (and not just to me) that she is struggling but that her managers haven't picked up on it.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 20/04/2018 13:10

It's just so frustrating that it is evident (and not just to me) that she is struggling but that her managers haven't picked up on it.

Well, you just have to remain frustrated, don't you? It really, really is not alright to make yourself feel better at her expense without asking her if that is what SHE wants.

And ditto, it is not alright to tell HR just to cover your arse as a pp suggested.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/04/2018 13:12

Keep your nose out. If she needs support from management she'll ask for it herself. What sort of support do you think they need to provide, anyway? Is she depressed, or just struggling with the workload?

amusedbush · 20/04/2018 13:15

She's probably just having a wobble because she's finding her feet and trying to get back into the swing of things. You may be the only person she feels she can reveal these worries to so if you "told on her" so to speak, you could leave her feeling isolated and even worse than before.

I'd leave her to it but if it doesn't get better in a few weeks, encourage her to ask for help.

PavlovianLunge · 20/04/2018 13:16

I agree with others that she needs to raise it with management, rather than you doing it, but if a situation arises where her work is mentioned in the context of problems, that could be an opening to suggest they speak with her. Not that they should need you to do that, but they seem spectacularly oblivious

bonbonlavie · 20/04/2018 13:16

I'd probably not speak to her manager.

I'd have a discussion with her and let her know that you're worried about her and if the situation does get worse then you'd feel you'd let her down by doing nothing.

Beansprout30 · 20/04/2018 13:20

It's not your place to speaker management, perhaps they have noticed and are planning to speak to her, keep out and just be there for her

TolchockLovelyInTheLitso · 20/04/2018 13:21

Please don't betray her confidence. In the type of work environment you describe, any weakness is a death knell for your career. Mat leave returner and someone else tells her managers she's struggling? She'd be managed out before she knew what hit her.

BalloonSlayer · 20/04/2018 13:23

she is struggling but that her managers haven't picked up on it.

Perhaps they have and see that the best way to support her is to ignore that she is struggling, and maintain the pretence that she is working well, while she gets back up to speed.

TerfsUp · 20/04/2018 13:24

I agree with those who said encourage her to speak to her manager.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 20/04/2018 13:26

I understand that you want to help, but you cannot betray her confidence in you. She trusts you to keep this between you.

Don’t even hint at it to management.

Do as you have been doing, be there for her and encourage her to do whatever you think will help. Mostly, just be there for her.

Original poster
fadingfast · 20/04/2018 13:36

Ok message received loud and clear! I will keep it to myself and just try to make myself available if she wants to chat.

OP posts:
NerdyBird · 20/04/2018 17:31

You can keep listening, encourage her to speak to the managers if they are likely to be supportive and maybe offer to sit in with her for support if she does want to have a meeting.

minimalpatience · 20/04/2018 17:43

I wouldn't say anything. I have been in your friend's position. It felt like a huge betrayal and the friendship isn't the same, although in hindsight this could be because my "friend" is actually just a gossip. You sound like a lovely friend. Just give her time.

NellMangel · 20/04/2018 17:50

No don't go to her manager. She'll really appreciate having a work friend she can confide in. Talking to her manager would break that trust.

Smallhorse · 20/04/2018 18:00

Please don’t ever betray anyone’s confidences.

purplelila2 · 21/04/2018 06:44

Why would you even think to tell her mangers ???
She told you as a 'friend' how can you even think of betraying her like that.

Why just why?