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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't just announce you're bringing your girlfriend?

216 replies

Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:11

My brother asked me a few weeks ago if he could come visit me and my family this summer. I said yes, that would be lovely, looking forward to seeing you.
Today he messaged me to confirm dates so he could book his flights. I said yep, sounds good - but just so you know me and my DP will both be at work for a couple of those days. He says that's fine, he can amuse himself and maybe Emily's coming too but that's not confirmed yet.

AIBU to be a bit wtf about that. Emily is his girlfriend of around 2 years. He never said "Can me and Emily come to stay?". He just announced that maybe she was coming. The way it was phrased he must have invited her long before he mentioned it to me (in a very offhand manner at that).

I mean it's not a major issue that she's (maybe) coming. Emily is a lovely woman. We can make the space. It's not a very long visit. If he had asked I would have said of course. But I'd like to have been asked! I don't yet categorise their relationship as so serious that it would go without saying that he meant the two of them - they don't even live together yet.

P.S. I live abroad in a place that tourists like to go, so when people visit it's often like a bit of a cut-price holiday for them - so there's more to it than just the fun of spending time with me, DP and our toddler and baby.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 23/02/2018 23:14

They've been together for two years though. They're not just dating. It would be weird of him not to bring her over, wouldn't it? Even just so she can get a flavour of where he grew up.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/02/2018 23:15

Why would a man with a girlfriend want to go on holiday without her?

They've been together two years, ffs!

How long were you with your partner before you moved in together?

PippaPug · 23/02/2018 23:15

I would say after 2 years their relationship is pretty serious and most couples would holiday together? Maybe they are combining a nice place and seeing you all?

WorraLiberty · 23/02/2018 23:15

He could have phrased it better, but messaging you to confirm and saying 'Maybe Emily's coming too', sounds like his way of checking that it's OK?

TheAntiBoop · 23/02/2018 23:16

I would have assumed she was coming

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:16

No I live abroad. We both grew up in a completely different place, in the UK where he still lives. It's a 3 hour flight, not just popping over.

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 23/02/2018 23:18

Erm I think you wouldnt if it were someone the person you were visiting had never met or it was a very new relationship. After two years however then I would certainly expect both members of a couple to be coming if one member said they were coming. It would be more odd for one of them to turn up on holiday somewhere without the other so Id expect it to be announced if the partner wasnt coming but Id not expect it specially announced that they were.

Appuskidu · 23/02/2018 23:19

Your brother is coming to visit and will be bringing his long-term girlfriend with him. It’s hardly odd, is it?

MermaidTailUnicornHorn · 23/02/2018 23:20

I don’t get the issue?

You like this woman and it you have the space.
They’ve been dating for 2 years.
It’s in the summer, it’s not like he mentioned it the day before his arrival.

Get a grip please.

Royalfuckup · 23/02/2018 23:20

I think since they’ve been together 2 years, I would have assumed they were both coming from the beginning unless otherwise stated.

whiteroseredrose · 23/02/2018 23:21

I've been married to DH for nearly 20 years and occasionally we visit our own families solo. If DSis asked to stay over I wouldn't assume automatically she was bringing DP.

dantdmistedious · 23/02/2018 23:21

I would have assumed after two years that she was coming to be honest.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 23/02/2018 23:22

Do you really like Emily? because it would only be a big deal if you didn't.

TheAntiBoop · 23/02/2018 23:22

My bil and sil both brought their partners with them after being together weeks/months. The only time they've visited alone is when they were single!

Its different if its family. I wouldnt assume if it were a friend visiting.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 23/02/2018 23:23

You don't announce that your bringing your partner of 2 years as you think your sister would expect that as a matter of course.If it were me in the first instance I would have asked about Emily,was everything OK.
Not sure what the relevance of you living in a tourist area is.

Lindy2 · 23/02/2018 23:23

I would expect them to visit you together. They have been together 2 years do are an established couple.
I'm surprised that you weren't expecting that.

Fletchasaurus · 23/02/2018 23:24

I think if I was the brother I would have mentioned I was bringing my girlfriend... but maybe that's just me!

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:24

He never said 'we' either. He was planning to take part in some event here and wanted to visit me as part of that. It's not so much an exciting holiday for him because he's been here loads of times. For him it's mostly about visiting his sister. But since I've only met her twice before I think she probably wouldn't bother if I lived in Leicester or something.
I would be glad to see her, I really like her and I do think this is a relationship with a future, that's not the issue.

OP posts:
GimbleInTheWabe · 23/02/2018 23:26

I would class their relationship as serious as 2 years is a long time. But YANBU at being annoyed that he didn't ask you if it was okay for her to come along too. Perhaps he assumed that you'd know she was coming too but it's courtesy to ask, I think it's a bit disrespectful to rock up with extra people when you haven't made sure the host doesn't mind

My family does this all the time and, like you, I don't mind about partners etc coming along but it shouldn't be expected that it's fine, all they need to do is just ask! My DSis has a new boyfriend every other week and she's forever tagging them along without asking, usually when I've said I'll cater (for the number that I'm expecting) and then there's never enough to go around everyone when extra hungry mouths appear. Grr it makes me annoyed just thinking about it!

VladmirsPoutine · 23/02/2018 23:26

I mean it's not a major issue that she's (maybe) coming. Emily is a lovely woman. We can make the space. It's not a very long visit. If he had asked I would have said of course.

So what is your problem? YABU. The above is what you have said. Unless you are about to drip-feed then either tell him that you don't want any visitors (including him) or welcome them to stay.

SleepingInNewYork · 23/02/2018 23:27

I would have assumed when he asked that the invite was for both of them. Whilst some couples do holiday separately at times, I wouldn’t have expected to only see my brother if he asked if he could come and stay.

PaperdollCartoon · 23/02/2018 23:27

I get what you mean OP. I would have no problem at all with DB bringing GF, but I’d probably expect him to say ‘we’re thinking of coming’ or something to that effect at the beginning rather than dropping it in later. I’d let it go though, I think it was just not thinking rather than deliberately rude.

RoxanneMonke · 23/02/2018 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:29

But I think a point some of you are missing is that she's not definitely coming! So it's not like they planned the trip together because they are such an established couple that they go everywhere together. They're not. He planned it, cleared it with me and THEN invited her.

OP posts:
RoxanneMonke · 23/02/2018 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.