To think you don't just announce you're bringing your girlfriend?

[Fuzzymatch]

My brother asked me a few weeks ago if he could come visit me and my family this summer. I said yes, that would be lovely, looking forward to seeing you.
Today he messaged me to confirm dates so he could book his flights. I said yep, sounds good - but just so you know me and my DP will both be at work for a couple of those days. He says that's fine, he can amuse himself and maybe Emily's coming too but that's not confirmed yet.

AIBU to be a bit wtf about that. Emily is his girlfriend of around 2 years. He never said "Can me and Emily come to stay?". He just announced that maybe she was coming. The way it was phrased he must have invited her long before he mentioned it to me (in a very offhand manner at that).

I mean it's not a major issue that she's (maybe) coming. Emily is a lovely woman. We can make the space. It's not a very long visit. If he had asked I would have said of course. But I'd like to have been asked! I don't yet categorise their relationship as so serious that it would go without saying that he meant the two of them - they don't even live together yet.

P.S. I live abroad in a place that tourists like to go, so when people visit it's often like a bit of a cut-price holiday for them - so there's more to it than just the fun of spending time with me, DP and our toddler and baby.

I think it's rude not to check especially if she would be staying at your house. It's got nothing to do with how serious how long they've been together. It's your home where you and children live and you get to decide who enters your own home.

Maybe it was a case of him saying "she could have asked" and you saying "he could have asked"!

Just laugh it off and enjoy your family holiday.

It’s your brother! I would expect my sister to assume her other half was welcome at my house any time.

what's happened to this site? Ridiculous responses, of course you're not being unreasonable OP, it's bad manners. All the children who think a girlfriend you don't even live with is your sister's "family member" are not in touch with reality. And when you're staying with someone, you do actually clarify how many of you you're bringing anyway - unless you're rude.

You can't claim that of course they're both coming because they're sooo serious when they don't even come home to the same address on an ordinary day. And what world do you live in where people only visit relatives abroad with their entire family tagging along every time, anyway?

It's bad manners but often we take family for granted. That said when it was first brought up I definitely would have said, "that's great, are you bring X?"
Anyway he was slightly rude but you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

"often we take family for granted."

I think that's exactly it. I would be horrified if my own brother didn't take my hospitality of his partner for granted. Anyone outside my immediate family, I would be with the OP, and be a bit at not asking. But siblings/parents are excluded from that type of etiquette in my world.

The fact that he had to ‘clear’ it with you makes you sound overbearing and controlling, OP. They’ve been together 2 years, I would expect her to be coming along. YABU.

YABU. It’s weird that you assumed he wouldn’t be bringing her.

I don't know, perhaps it's just me that doesn't feel the same way towards family members partners as I do them. It does mean I have to make more effort in interaction, but I'm an introvert and find any interaction draining. So it would be a big deal for me, not in a nasty way, but I'd find it really hard, and need warning.

Have to express my surprise that I may be seen as cold or distant because I believe in good manners. This is not a formal requirement. It is simply being considerate towards others. There seem to be two camps here. One believing in courtesy and the other not only having no idea what I’m on about but probably never will. For the record OP I think you are absolutely NBU.

what's happened to this site? Ridiculous responses, of course you're not being unreasonable OP, it's bad manners

Well there's quite a lot of trolling. And frequently just as annoying a lot of troll hunting. But that's not what is happening here. People are just expressing different views. It's part of good manners to tolerate and indeed celebrate different views.

Some people like siblings to ask before including partners/ boyfriends/ girlfriends in invitations. Others would either make it clear themselves or would more or less assume the partner etc was included in the invitation, or would just be a bit more laid back. None of these is wrong, but they are different. None of them mean the downfall of Rome Mumsnet is imminent.

”There seem to be two camps here. One believing in courtesy and the other not only having no idea what I’m on about but probably never will”

Why does having an open house as far as my siblings are concerned mean I don’t “believe in courtesy”? What an odd thing to say!

I think different families have different rules. Some are happy for anyone to drop in whenever. Others would prefer to be asked. Some think of siblings only as family whereas some include partners into family.
I'm a loner and hate anyone coming! But wish I had an open door.

I agree, the thing is you give an inch and then they take a mile. I have a SIL who lives in a popular tourist spot, she doesn't mind having family and friends visit but it's an imposition when you've been accepted and then add on to the plans by bringing along unannounced extras who will need to be catered for and bedding etc sorted. All that is needed is to state who is coming so you know ahead of time and can plan around it.

Even if you like the people concerned, it's not fair to find suddenly you've got another person or more to cater for and feed.

You said “it’s not a major issue”.
Then don’t make it one.