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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't just announce you're bringing your girlfriend?

216 replies

Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:11

My brother asked me a few weeks ago if he could come visit me and my family this summer. I said yes, that would be lovely, looking forward to seeing you.
Today he messaged me to confirm dates so he could book his flights. I said yep, sounds good - but just so you know me and my DP will both be at work for a couple of those days. He says that's fine, he can amuse himself and maybe Emily's coming too but that's not confirmed yet.

AIBU to be a bit wtf about that. Emily is his girlfriend of around 2 years. He never said "Can me and Emily come to stay?". He just announced that maybe she was coming. The way it was phrased he must have invited her long before he mentioned it to me (in a very offhand manner at that).

I mean it's not a major issue that she's (maybe) coming. Emily is a lovely woman. We can make the space. It's not a very long visit. If he had asked I would have said of course. But I'd like to have been asked! I don't yet categorise their relationship as so serious that it would go without saying that he meant the two of them - they don't even live together yet.

P.S. I live abroad in a place that tourists like to go, so when people visit it's often like a bit of a cut-price holiday for them - so there's more to it than just the fun of spending time with me, DP and our toddler and baby.

OP posts:
GimbleInTheWabe · 23/02/2018 23:48

But he didn't check if it was ok @bellie710, he just said she may or may not be coming too. Which isn't checking, it's stating it as a fact (or not if she doesn't come).

HeddaGarbled · 23/02/2018 23:49

Come on, they've been together 2 years. It's serious. Your first question after agreeing to him visiting should have been "Is Emily coming too?" He shouldn't have to invite her himself. Cop on, this is your brother's partner and you were rude not to invite her. You've forced him into this seemingly offhand suggestion which he's probably been agonising over how to handle for months because you have been so obtuse.

MsGameandWatching · 23/02/2018 23:49

This is the kind of thing my Mum would get all ruffled up about and mull over and make a big deal about. She's a PITA and I tend not to see too much of her.

TwentySmackeroos · 23/02/2018 23:49

It's one thing your brother saying he is coming to stay; you assume you will hang out, he will see the kids, and you will have a catch-up.

It's different if he brings his girlfriend. Not worse, not better, but definitely a different visit to what you were expecting. It's less 'brother coming to stay' and more 'we have visitors.'

It's not so much about whether you like Emily or how long theyve been together, but I can understand you might feel a little crestfallen if you were looking forward to your brother coming on his own. If she comes, see if you can arrange a time for just you and him to go out for a coffee.

zzzzz · 23/02/2018 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheAntiBoop · 23/02/2018 23:50

Him saying 'maybe Emily is coming to' was probably his clumsy way of running it past you

notmyredditusername365 · 23/02/2018 23:50

Of course he should have said "Is it OK if Emily comes too?" Anyone on this thread who says otherwise is just being contrary for the sake of it.

WorraLiberty · 23/02/2018 23:51

Whenever my DSis rocks up with a random to my place they're always really apologetic and embarrassed that she didn't check that it was okay first, so they clearly know it's impolite.

Has she ever rocked up in the Summer, with a 'random' partner of 2 years, having given you notice way back in the Winter?

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:51

So then what is your AIBU?

AIBU to think it would have been polite for him to ask rather than announce?

Clearly yes!

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 23/02/2018 23:53

He's a DICK... he's not asked if it's okay for him to being someone with him to your Family Home... it doesn't matter who it is.. He didn't ASK ... manners dictate He should ASK... unless He's always been a TWAT in which case.. tell Him NO.. he can't come visit with unannounced girlfriend.... EASY Flowers

GimbleInTheWabe · 23/02/2018 23:56

I just think there's a difference between 'can lovely girlfriend stay too?' And 'lovely girlfriend might/might not stay as well.'

OP said that her DB conveyed that he was over to attend an event, which is why I assume she didn't ask if his gf was coming too. Also I would have thought if you're messaging to ask about staying over with someone you start out by saying 'can X and I come and stay?' And not 'can I come and stay so I can attend an event?' And then later saying that your partner is also coming.

ShatnersBassoon · 23/02/2018 23:56

You're happy about her visiting and you've had plenty of notice. There's no need to analyse their motives, or to think badly of them.

notmyredditusername365 · 23/02/2018 23:56

The ffs and get a grip comments are just ridiculous. AIBU is just a joke.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 23/02/2018 23:57

AIBU to think it would have been polite for him to ask rather than announce?

Yes, YABVU. They’re not newly together, they’ve been together for two years and are clearly serious. They’re a package deal.

Sure, sometimes one may go away without the other and that’s fine, but you should always assume you’re getting both because they’re a long term couple.

If you wanted him to ask to bring his serious, long-term girlfriend, that says you don’t think she’s automatically included, which basically translates to you not liking her because why would you think it’s okay to exclude a long term partner?

(And before you run off with my point in the wrong direction, I’m not saying you’re going to exclude her, what I’m saying is that by believing he should ask, you don’t believe she should be automatiaclally included in the first place.)

WorraLiberty · 23/02/2018 23:58

Are you not very close to your brother OP?

I'm just wondering because surely a simple, "Oh you could have mentioned it before but never mind" would have sufficed?

Did you say anything to him at all about it, given that it bothers you?

tafftum · 23/02/2018 23:59

How do you not see them as a serious couple if theyve been together two years. Two YEARS not two months😂

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 24/02/2018 00:00

He's a DICK... he's not asked if it's okay for him to being someone with him to your Family Home... it doesn't matter who it is..

Gemini69 Oh really? It doesn’t matter who? So when you go to your parents or your siblings house, you need to ask if it’s okay to bring your wife or husband or children? How ridiculous. Don’t talk rubbish.

She is part of their family now; they’ve been together for two years.

MMcanny · 24/02/2018 00:01

I don’t get the issue either. She isn’t a new gf and you’ve met her before. Do you have some issue about how long constitutes a proper relationship? I’d say this is him asking now. It’s your dB not an air b&b customer. Or did you quote him a price for the stay and now feel you want to double it and feel it would be impolite? Would you be as irked if they lived together? Do you like to keep people at arms length until they are officially part of the family? Do they maybe live together already but pretend they don’t? And because of this in some way it’s less of a big deal in his eyes but more so in yours? Were you looking fwd to some one on one time with your bro and now feel a bit put out that actually she is his special someone and will be in the way which kind of puts your nose out of joint? Is it actually your dh is a bit arsey and controlling and is making an issue out of it which you feel you need to back him up on? I don’t get why you living in a holiday area has anything to do with it. Are you just someone who feels hard done by from the world and doesn’t like people out with the circle of trust getting freebies from you? I could probably think of more scenarios but really don’t think your issue is valid. Sorry.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 24/02/2018 00:03

IME it's far easier to have a 'the more the merrier' approach to houseguests than to start worrying about the exact head count. But then, I do expect my guests to be semi-self sufficient, put the kettle on if they fancy a brew (no need to ask) and say if they need something they can't find.

Deshasafraisy · 24/02/2018 00:04

You might not categorise their relationship as serious but they clearly do.

Sassychiccy · 24/02/2018 00:04

Two years really isn’t long and she’s only met Emily twice anyway! Yanbu, OP. If I organised to meet family abroad and then decided I wanted my husband to come too I would definitely ask!

Sassychiccy · 24/02/2018 00:05

... and Emily is practically a stranger too.

Crunchymum · 24/02/2018 00:07

Am I the only one completely intrigued about where the OP lives? Grin

GimbleInTheWabe · 24/02/2018 00:08

Hmm I'm imagining Barcelona @Crunchymum but only because I really want to go back there again!

ferrier · 24/02/2018 00:12

I suspect your db didn't originally anticipate Emily coming but she asked to come so he's been caught out a bit.

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