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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't just announce you're bringing your girlfriend?

216 replies

Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:11

My brother asked me a few weeks ago if he could come visit me and my family this summer. I said yes, that would be lovely, looking forward to seeing you.
Today he messaged me to confirm dates so he could book his flights. I said yep, sounds good - but just so you know me and my DP will both be at work for a couple of those days. He says that's fine, he can amuse himself and maybe Emily's coming too but that's not confirmed yet.

AIBU to be a bit wtf about that. Emily is his girlfriend of around 2 years. He never said "Can me and Emily come to stay?". He just announced that maybe she was coming. The way it was phrased he must have invited her long before he mentioned it to me (in a very offhand manner at that).

I mean it's not a major issue that she's (maybe) coming. Emily is a lovely woman. We can make the space. It's not a very long visit. If he had asked I would have said of course. But I'd like to have been asked! I don't yet categorise their relationship as so serious that it would go without saying that he meant the two of them - they don't even live together yet.

P.S. I live abroad in a place that tourists like to go, so when people visit it's often like a bit of a cut-price holiday for them - so there's more to it than just the fun of spending time with me, DP and our toddler and baby.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 24/02/2018 08:19

The thing is, whether she comes or not, you like her and you can accommodate her - so I don't really see a problem. My Dsis asked me a week before my wedding if she could bring her on/off boyfriend: there was a space at her table and she had a double room booked for her in the hotel, so no problem. Yes it would have been preferable to know when we were sorting out seating plans and rooms, but really it was no trouble. I think there are bigger things to get worked up about.

timeforabrewnow · 24/02/2018 08:19

Get over it

Whatevszz · 24/02/2018 08:23

Unless there is some massive back story... YABVU. And weird.

FlyingElbows · 24/02/2018 08:24

Op, don't be "that" sister.

CharisMater · 24/02/2018 08:36

to be expected really

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 24/02/2018 08:38

Sorry but mountain out of a molehill springs to mind.

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 24/02/2018 08:39

There's no particular back story, no. Apparently there are just people in the world who like to be asked and people who don't care at all. It's been interesting.
It's the third girlfriend he's brought to see me since I've moved here, a series of 2-3 year relationships, so while I very much hope that Emily is his life-partner I reckon I'll hold off on assuming she's my future SIL until they've actually made some sort of commitment.

OP posts:
Karigan1 · 24/02/2018 08:41

They’ve been together 2 years. I think you’re being unreasonable. Perhaps he should have asked but after that long together you should have expected it was likely

1099 · 24/02/2018 08:41

I still don't get why the OP didn't ask the "Is Emily coming as well" question in the first place, I suspect her DB has found himself feeling a bit awkward about having to ask and is trying to put out a feeler to see if there is any issue, which there isn't but there kind of is as well.

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 24/02/2018 08:43

And I haven't made a mountain out of it at all, unless feeling a bit annoyed is a mountain. I'll probably mention I prefer to be asked rather than told, he'll say OK, hopefully he'll remember. This isn't going to tear the family apart, Christ. Are people only supposed to post about serious stuff here? Because I've seen plenty of trivial gripes.

OP posts:
SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 24/02/2018 08:45

I prefer to be asked to but in this sort of situation I would try and tell myself to chill out about it.

How long do people go out for? Do you treat abd behave differently with gf then once he asks her to marry you him? Then you you would be nice? It may be too late by then.. She will already feel like an out side whose not welcome.

Sorry I couldn't welcome you you before because he hadn't proposed.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 24/02/2018 08:49

But why didn't you offer or ask?

If you really don't want extras or feel used you should have said this to your brother before any invites... And explained you didn't explain... You didn't offer and ask which I think is the polite thing to do.

My cousin's has bf I live in tourist nice area and whilst only she has visited me I have always always made sure she knows he feel welcome to and is more than welcome it's never occurred to me to count the years they have been together or work out how long she was with her others boy friends...just never occurred to me.

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 24/02/2018 08:52

My Dsis asked me a week before my wedding if she could bring her on/off boyfriend

It's really not about the notice either. If your sister said oh by the way I'm bringing Dave to the wedding, how would you have felt about that? That's what I'm talking about.

Yes perhaps I should have actively asked if she was coming but my brother's a big boy, I took him at his word. They don't go everywhere together and it's perfectly plausible that he would come for a long weekend alone to see his sister and her family and do his event. As indeed he still might.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/02/2018 08:53

So what OP. He's your brother! Why didn't you ask him originally if E was coming?

InternetHoopJumper · 24/02/2018 08:55

YANBU

It is rude to just invite people along when you don't even clear it with the host first. Hosting two people is different from hosting just one and it would be nice to know what groceries to get before your guests arrive.

They are not living together and when he first discussed it with you he did not even use the pronoun "we". That makes me think their relationship of two years is still very casual. Which is fine, but then he can't expect that others will just assume she will come along with him on his trips.

Did you talk to your brother about his rudeness? I think you should. He should communicate his plans better from the outset, since having visitors over is an extra effort that requires preparation.

wetrebecca · 24/02/2018 08:55

YANBU - it's rude not to ask.

Married3Children · 24/02/2018 08:56

Whilst asking would have been polite to ask, I have to say I would have expected her to come and would have asked the question myself (whether his gf/partner was coming with him).
Because for me, this wouod have been obvious that she was likely to come tbh.

I would have been miffed only if there is a pattern with him expecting to be able to spring things in you wo notice or leaving any leeway to say NO.

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 24/02/2018 08:57

I just think it is much more courteous to phrase it as a question rather than a statement even if you know the answer will definitely be yes, which of course he did know. Of course he knows that Emily is very welcome.
Otherwise he definitely WOULD have asked, I suppose. I guess that's the nice way to see it.

OP posts:
soup00 · 24/02/2018 08:59

What a weird post

danTDM · 24/02/2018 09:06

You sound difficult and hard work OP, maybe Emily doesn't actually want to come.

timeisnotaline · 24/02/2018 09:13

If we are discussing manners, what would have been courteous is you saying nicely oh lovely can gf make it too? Which is what I would have done (and do) if it didn’t seem an assume gf is definitely coming situation.

frogsoup · 24/02/2018 09:15

"He's always been a TWAT in which case.. tell Him NO.. he can't come visit with unannounced girlfriend.... EASY flowers"

Er, only if you want to appear a complete fruitcake.

frogsoup · 24/02/2018 09:16

If he knows that Emily is very welcome then I don't understand why you think he should have asked just for the form of it. It's family, it's not the same as if friends were visiting. He knows you'll make her welcome, it's to your credit that he thinks it's a non-issue tbh.

Gabilan · 24/02/2018 09:17

all of you saying 'what's the problem?' Would you really not give two hoots if your DB announces out of the blue that they're partner (who you've only met a few times) is staying over as well, without checking that you don't mind first? In fact not even staying over but that they may/may not be staying.

It wouldn't be an issue, because it wouldn't have got to that stage. The initial conversation would have been "bro, are you visiting this summer? Will you be bringing GF with you? Just let me know dates because I'd like to book time off work, and give me a bit of notice if she is".

And then it wouldn't really have bothered me either way. Would have been happy to see her, would have understood if she couldn't make it/ didn't want to hang out with her boyfriend's sister.

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 24/02/2018 09:17

Do you treat abd behave differently with gf then once he asks her to marry you him? Then you you would be nice?

Who says I'm not nice to her? I think that's very unfair. We got on really well the two times we've met and I've always been nice to all his girlfriends.
She's been to visit me once before and I was very welcoming, took them to lots of places, we all had a lot of fun together. I like her. How many times can I say that.

OP posts: