To think you don't just announce you're bringing your girlfriend?

[Fuzzymatch]

My brother asked me a few weeks ago if he could come visit me and my family this summer. I said yes, that would be lovely, looking forward to seeing you.
Today he messaged me to confirm dates so he could book his flights. I said yep, sounds good - but just so you know me and my DP will both be at work for a couple of those days. He says that's fine, he can amuse himself and maybe Emily's coming too but that's not confirmed yet.

AIBU to be a bit wtf about that. Emily is his girlfriend of around 2 years. He never said "Can me and Emily come to stay?". He just announced that maybe she was coming. The way it was phrased he must have invited her long before he mentioned it to me (in a very offhand manner at that).

I mean it's not a major issue that she's (maybe) coming. Emily is a lovely woman. We can make the space. It's not a very long visit. If he had asked I would have said of course. But I'd like to have been asked! I don't yet categorise their relationship as so serious that it would go without saying that he meant the two of them - they don't even live together yet.

P.S. I live abroad in a place that tourists like to go, so when people visit it's often like a bit of a cut-price holiday for them - so there's more to it than just the fun of spending time with me, DP and our toddler and baby.

YABU, you should perhaps have asked "is Emily coming?" "Err I don't know, maybe" "in that case I need a weeks notice for extra food etc"

Two years is a strong relationship IMO. I would be expecting Emily regardless.

its not a new gf,its ne of two years,i would expect her to come

If it were me I would assume she was coming.

A couple of weeks ago my (adult) god daughter came to stay. When I went to pick her up from the train station she had a friend with her. Her friend had turned up on her doorstep the night before, in a state, because she’d just found out her fuckwit boyfriend had been cheating on her. So my gd brought her down with her because she knows I’d make her welcome (and talk some sense into her!). She didn’t ask because she knows my home is her home and she’s welcome here anytime and that extends to her boyfriends/friends.

I really don’t get why you expect your brother to ask if his gf of two years is allowed to come too. It all sounds so unnecessary & formal.

We got on really well the two times we've met. Emily's a lovely woman

You don't like her do you OP?

Brother: hey sis,there's this event I want to go to in your town? Can I stay with you?
Op: yeah sure,that will be great.
Bro: cool I'll see you then.

There's no we,no Emily. OP didn't invite him,he asked because he wants to go to an event there.

It would be worse if he just turned up with her and said "You don't mind, do you?" because then you probably wouldn't have bought in extra food for TWO guests instead of one - but yes, you really should have asked him if she was coming too. I know I've already said this but it bears repeating (IMO! ) because sometimes you do have to take responsibility for your own planning and your own feelings. If he's always a bit flaky about what he's doing, who he's bringing, then it really is up to you to prompt him, not just expect that he's going to do things differently.
If he's never done things the way you'd prefer before, he's not going to change unless you tell him, is he? (and maybe not then either, you have to be prepared for that) So you make your own contingency plans on how to deal with his flakiness.

AIBU to think it would have been polite for him to ask rather than announce?

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Why would a man with a girlfriend want to go on holiday without her? Plenty of reasons why couples take holidays singly, I've been married 30 years but DH and I frequently enjoy separate holidays.

Your DB was rude, of course he should have made it clear that he would be bringing his girlfriend with him when he invited himself to stay.

But as I see this you are making a drama over it, I think you need to move on and get over it.

But you didn't invite her did you.

There is no way I would host someone and not mention.. So would x like ti come or are you you bringing x!!

If my brother arranged to visit me, and he had a gf of 2 years standing I would absolutely expect there to be every chance that she was coming too. I can't imagine not asking the question "what will Emily be doing? Is she coming with you"? It's not some random person, she's his partner. I can't imagine acting so formally with my brother.

I would have asked him if she was coming at the initial conversation.

YABU and a bit control-freaky

Seeing as you're not going to be there for some of the time he's visiting, I'd be happier at work knowing he had his gf there. Otherwise I'd be at work feeling guilty for not being at home to be a host. IYKWIM.

I'm getting more confused by the minute.

”I just think it is much more courteous to phrase it as a question rather than a statement”

I guess in my family we don’t worry about being courteous and formal manners in the way we’d probably expect from non-family.

In fact on reflection I’d probably find it weird if one of my brothers asked permission to bring a long term partner. I’d probably tell him not to be daft!

YANBU

Me and DP lived abroad for a few years and we loved family coming over, and that means extended family too. The more the merrier, everyone was welcome. Whether it was our parents, aunts/uncles, and then my brother with his then girlfriend, my sister with her (at the time) new boyfriend and his sister with her boyfriend... and then their baby too.
Nobody had to ask "can such and such tag along" because we just assumed they'd bring their other halves / children. We just needed a head count a few days before everyone arrived (sometimes about 12 came at once) so we could prepare the house and stock up on necessary food and drinks.
YABU. I couldnt imagine being so formal with family , especially family I didnt get to see much of due to living abroad

As you said OP, it seems there are two types of people - those who like to be asked and those who don't mind being told.

I'm with you. Even if it's my brother, I would like to be asked: is it ok if Emily comes too? Easy.

Why PPs are making such a drama about it I don't know. You aren't making a drama, you are just asking a question about manners. And it seems there are two ways of looking at it. The education that MN brings us every day .

I am glad you are going to mention it to him when he is over. I can tell you won't make it a big thing and it could be useful for him to see that it can be an issue sometimes.

Did you invite him to stay or did he ask you if he could stay?

If you invited him without mentioning his girlfriend (which is serious if they have been together 2 years) then I take his “And maybe Emily?” as asking you if she is allowed to come with him as well.

Though I would be a bit upset if my brothers sister didn’t feel we were serious after two years and to not think of asking if I were coming as well.

Your post makes it sound as though you don’t like her or there is something you have left out of the story.

I would assume she was coming.. two years is serious. I would take it as a compliment that he assumed you were a welcoming person who wouldn't mind either way!

I agree @SeaCabbage, there's two types of people here, neither is right or wrong, just different view points I suppose. I prefer to be asked rather than told. That doesn't mean that a drama is being made, that I'm a control freak, that I don't like lovely Emily just that I'd prefer to be asked rather than told.
Interesting though.

I would have assumed she was coming. Or made clear she was welcome too, when he mentioned coming, in the first place.

Seems odd that you didnt.

Seems fine to me.