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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't just announce you're bringing your girlfriend?

216 replies

Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:11

My brother asked me a few weeks ago if he could come visit me and my family this summer. I said yes, that would be lovely, looking forward to seeing you.
Today he messaged me to confirm dates so he could book his flights. I said yep, sounds good - but just so you know me and my DP will both be at work for a couple of those days. He says that's fine, he can amuse himself and maybe Emily's coming too but that's not confirmed yet.

AIBU to be a bit wtf about that. Emily is his girlfriend of around 2 years. He never said "Can me and Emily come to stay?". He just announced that maybe she was coming. The way it was phrased he must have invited her long before he mentioned it to me (in a very offhand manner at that).

I mean it's not a major issue that she's (maybe) coming. Emily is a lovely woman. We can make the space. It's not a very long visit. If he had asked I would have said of course. But I'd like to have been asked! I don't yet categorise their relationship as so serious that it would go without saying that he meant the two of them - they don't even live together yet.

P.S. I live abroad in a place that tourists like to go, so when people visit it's often like a bit of a cut-price holiday for them - so there's more to it than just the fun of spending time with me, DP and our toddler and baby.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 24/02/2018 00:21

@WhatToDoAboutThis2017 well no,but at the same time I don't say I and then turn up with everyone in tow.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 24/02/2018 00:23

If I organised to meet family abroad and then decided I wanted my husband to come too I would definitely ask!

My family are my DH’s family and vice versa. If he wasn’t invited/included or I ever needed to ask if he could come there would be problems.

But we’re a very close family and it would be very odd if he didn’t come (and I would never need to ask, it would just be assumed he was coming as they’d factor him in, you know, being part of the family and all.)

awifeyforlifey · 24/02/2018 00:25

YANBU. You’d planned to cater for one person, and it’s disrespectful to you and his girlfriend not to give you a clear number from the onset so you don’t have to “assume,” as some are suggesting. As the couple doesn’t live together, not everyone can afford to buy in food for two people when only one has been mentioned, “just in case” their partner shows up. It’s only good manners to allow the host/hostess to plan properly from the beginning. The fact that such thoughtlessness is graciously overlooked by so many on here reflects better on them than on their guests, perhaps.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 24/02/2018 00:27

RebelRogue A long term partner isn’t “everyone”. They are your life partner, you come as a package deal. When you’ve been together that long you don’t assume they’re not coming, you assume they are coming unless told otherwise.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 24/02/2018 00:28

awifeyforlifey He’s told her at least four months in advance. That is more than enough notice.

RebelRogue · 24/02/2018 00:30

Meh I even let people know I'm bringing DD,and that actually is a given that she will come. Different strokes for different folks I guess on this one.

smurfit · 24/02/2018 07:32

I would have assumed she was coming. But if there was any doubt, asked.

Oh you're coming to visit? Yes those dates are great! Is Emily coming with you?

I'm someone who hates people dropping last minute things on me where I'm obligated to be agreeable but I think yabu. You like her, move on but learn from it and next time confirm with him during the planning stages.

CircleofWillis · 24/02/2018 07:43

If you don’t have a problem with the gf is it your brother you have a problem with?
They are not coming until the SUMMER and he told you his gf might be coming BEFORE they booked the tickets.

YABU

afishnotabird · 24/02/2018 07:47

I'm with you OP.

It's not that it's an issue that she's coming, but a visit from a very close relative is a very different thing to a visit from someone you don't know as well, even a good friend. Your brother should have made it clear which it was going to be.

For me, it's having to wear my good pyjamas instead of just my pants

Bluntness100 · 24/02/2018 07:50

God do you always get your arse in your hands about the small stuff.

You don't see the relationship as serious after two years? Ok. After how many years do you get to pass your declaration it's acceptablely serious for you?

The first thing I'd have said is , brilliant, are you bringing your partner. I doubt he for one moment thought he had to ask if he could bring her also and that uou perceived his relationship as not very serious. I suggest you don't share that view with them.

Honestly. If this is the sort of small shit you spend your days worrying about, then you lead a charmed life.

rocketgirl22 · 24/02/2018 07:53

I think you are being difficult and unwelcoming. What difference does it make if she comes or not unless you don't like her?

I sense you don't like her very much actually, would rather she didn't come, and your brother is unsure what to do.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 24/02/2018 07:53

Charming and different you ask him if she would like to join him or if she was.

Goodness in a few years that girlfriend will be on here with sil issues... Talk about being part of the family and respectful to your dB too.

Squeegle · 24/02/2018 07:54

I'm completely with you OP. It's generally the thing that you ask if it's ok to bring someone if you haven't mentioned it before. If he generally visits without her and had not mentioned she was coming and they don't live together why on earth would you assume? AIBU does bring out some odd responses sometimes

OliviaStabler · 24/02/2018 07:55

What's likely happened is he has booked the trip, she thought 'Yeah! Free holiday' and asked to come along. Your db didn't know how to ask you so sort of slyly slipped it in.

He should have asked outright but it's done now.

Ickyockycocky · 24/02/2018 07:57

More the merrier! WTAF is wrong with you?

Jammycustard · 24/02/2018 07:57

YANBU. Anyone normal would have said ‘we’ when asking in the first instance.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 24/02/2018 07:59

After two years off dating someone ti not assume that they are going is a big fuck you. You should have assumed she would be with him. I can imagine the invite abd the wondering.. Well has she invited me? No... Oh well I'm sure she assumes your coming.... Well maybe ask.. Well I don't know.

It's so mean and youll be the fist one in line to slam her when she starts to back off from the the 'family'..
This isn't about one visit this is the bigger picture this woman is a) within your brother, disrespect her your actually dis respecting him... B) one day she may have a your nieces and nephews.... This is about establishing welcoming good relationship

JediStoleMyBike · 24/02/2018 08:02

If I were you I'd get in touch with Dbro and just ask him to be clear.
"Hi Dbro, is Emily coming? Just want to know for food / space sake."
Maybe he is worried you'll be funny about him bringing her, and has been bizarrely clumsy about it. Maybe he's awkward or informal. I don't know. But just be the grown up and ask!

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 24/02/2018 08:06

They've been together 2 years, you like her, you have the space. I don't see the problem

flowery · 24/02/2018 08:08

”So all of you saying 'what's the problem?' Would you really not give two hoots if your DB announces out of the blue that they're partner (who you've only met a few times) is staying over as well, without checking that you don't mind first?”

Of course I wouldn’t! He’s my brother! He could turn up at my door with no notice at all and be welcome with no issue. And it’s his long term partner! It would be odd if he didn’t bring her and in this situation the OP’s brother is giving her several months’ notice! Not “rocking up with some random”

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/02/2018 08:11

I can’t believe you’re seeing your arse about your brother not asking you if his gf of two years is allowed to come with him 😂. He said she might come, the sane answer was a simple ‘OK, it’ll be nice to see her if she can make it’ 😊. With a ‘let me know when you know’ if you really wanted.

What other perfectly ordinary things do you expect him to ask if he’s allowed to do?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/02/2018 08:12

My husband can be a bit like this - referring to "I'm doing this" when what he means is "we're doing this". He's written postcards to his mother while we've been on holiday saying "I went here, did this" and I'm looking at him going " and what was I doing while you were doing all this?"

He's not so bad now but we've been together 15 years now - I'd say it was only in the last 5 that he mostly stopped it.

But if he phoned some relative and asked if it was ok if he came to stay for a few days, he would probably do what your brother has done and assumed that you realised it meant me and the boys too.

Although in all honesty, if he has form for this and he was my brother, I would have said from the outset "Is Emily coming with you?" just to be clear.

YANBU to think he should have said that Emily was coming too, but YABU for all the rest.

OnionKnight · 24/02/2018 08:13

I don't get the problem, they've been together four two years and they're serious, he's also told you several months in advance.

Sparkletastic · 24/02/2018 08:15

So reply back 'Are you asking if Emily can come too?'

minmooch · 24/02/2018 08:16

Oh gawd what a drama over nothing.

If you've got space for her surely it doesn't matter if you only know the day before so you can put out clean towels? Does it need to be made a bigger thing than that?

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