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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't just announce you're bringing your girlfriend?

216 replies

Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:11

My brother asked me a few weeks ago if he could come visit me and my family this summer. I said yes, that would be lovely, looking forward to seeing you.
Today he messaged me to confirm dates so he could book his flights. I said yep, sounds good - but just so you know me and my DP will both be at work for a couple of those days. He says that's fine, he can amuse himself and maybe Emily's coming too but that's not confirmed yet.

AIBU to be a bit wtf about that. Emily is his girlfriend of around 2 years. He never said "Can me and Emily come to stay?". He just announced that maybe she was coming. The way it was phrased he must have invited her long before he mentioned it to me (in a very offhand manner at that).

I mean it's not a major issue that she's (maybe) coming. Emily is a lovely woman. We can make the space. It's not a very long visit. If he had asked I would have said of course. But I'd like to have been asked! I don't yet categorise their relationship as so serious that it would go without saying that he meant the two of them - they don't even live together yet.

P.S. I live abroad in a place that tourists like to go, so when people visit it's often like a bit of a cut-price holiday for them - so there's more to it than just the fun of spending time with me, DP and our toddler and baby.

OP posts:
MinnieMinchkin · 23/02/2018 23:32

I understand where you are coming from, but agree with PPs that it's not unreasonable of him to expect his partner to be able to accompany him. You have several months to work out logistics of the visit, whether he brings her or not.

TheAntiBoop · 23/02/2018 23:33

Perhaps she was waiting to see if she could time of work. Perhaps they decided it would be nice for you to get to know each other better. perhaps you are overthinking this.

GimbleInTheWabe · 23/02/2018 23:35

I get what you mean @Fuzzymatch. It's not that you don't want to welcome her, it's just that she was never mentioned at the beginning as he made it out like it was just him coming. So now his mention of her 'maybe/maybe not' coming is frustrating because he's setting it out as a given, rather than making sure you're okay with it first, which is the polite and courteous thing to do.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/02/2018 23:35

What's the fuss about?
Some women on here have nothing better to do than create a drama.

ClosDesMouches · 23/02/2018 23:36

YANBU. I absolutely know where you’re coming from with this. A family member of ours does similar.

ClosDesMouches · 23/02/2018 23:37

Exactly, Gimble.

RebelRogue · 23/02/2018 23:38

I get where OP is coming from.
"We are thinking of coming"
"I asked Emily if she would like to come as well"
"Emily might be able to come too,is that ok?"

I visit a lot of people with DD,but not OH. They don't assume he's included and we've been together 10 years. I don't assume he's included either...if I want him to come as well I make sure he is included/mentioned in the plans.

Do you all really plan things using I only and then just show up with your partner/husband?

paxillin · 23/02/2018 23:40

I would have assumed they both come. Therefore, I wouldn't be surprised to be informed that she may or may not.

WorraLiberty · 23/02/2018 23:40

Even with your update, I still see it as a non issue.

In fact when he asked initially if he could come and visit, I would have said 'Yes of course. Will you be bringing Emily'?

Equally, he could have said 'Can I come and visit? Emily might come too but can't confirm yet'.

Either way, it's still not something I could spare any more than a 'Oh well' about.

Headofthehive55 · 23/02/2018 23:41

I guess he planned to come alone but when he mentioned it to her he felt bad and had forgotten to include her in plans...so he rapidly included her.

LeighaJ · 23/02/2018 23:41

It was rude of him to assume he could bring her without mentioning it til last minute. Basic manners.

Although personally considering they've been together 2 years I might have asked if he was planning on bringing her when he first said he wanted to visit you, especially given your touristy location.

ConfessionsOfTeenageDramaQueen · 23/02/2018 23:42

FFS MN sometimes.

YANBU - he should have cleared it with you first. I would gently say to him you're happy for Emily to come, although you need to know sooner rather than later so you can make arrangements, but in future could he please check with you first before inviting other people with him to stay at your place.

RoxanneMonke · 23/02/2018 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/02/2018 23:43

If you're normally of such an anxious disposition then cancel the whole thing. It all sounds rather highly strung.

LemonysSnicket · 23/02/2018 23:43

Stop being weird.

Unless you were planning on putting him on a single bed it’s really not weird. People are married after 2 years, get over yourself.

WorraLiberty · 23/02/2018 23:43

Do you all really plan things using I only and then just show up with your partner/husband?

But he hasn't done that.

He's messaged the OP and mentioned that Emily might be coming with him in the Summer, which is more than enough notice surely? Confused

TheAntiBoop · 23/02/2018 23:44

She's not 'other people' - she's potentially his life partner.

GimbleInTheWabe · 23/02/2018 23:44

So all of you saying 'what's the problem?' Would you really not give two hoots if your DB announces out of the blue that they're partner (who you've only met a few times) is staying over as well, without checking that you don't mind first? In fact not even staying over but that they may/may not be staying.

Whenever my DSis rocks up with a random to my place they're always really apologetic and embarrassed that she didn't check that it was okay first, so they clearly know it's impolite.

Saying this though, I think your DBro has filled in the blanks in his head a bit here. He obviously has it in his mind that his gf would be coming too but didn't convey this clearly. He's at fault but, from how it reads, I don't think he's doing it on purpose.

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:44

Why are you not thinking ‘oh great Emily’s coming too’?

I actually am thinking that. I am just also thinking about my brother 'But were you even intending to ask?'

The fact that this might be happening is not the issue. I just think my brother handled it in quite a rude way.

Not going to make a major drama about it at all.

@Gimble - That's exactly it.

OP posts:
bellie710 · 23/02/2018 23:45

So he planned a trip, then decided to check if his girlfriend wanted to come too, checked with you that is was ok ?? If it isn't a major problem whether she comes or not why does it matter?!?

TheAntiBoop · 23/02/2018 23:46

He's mentioned it months in advance and she isn't some random

Whenever we've had a sibling visit we always check if partner is coming too anyway so it's never a surprise. And honestly, given the state they leave our guest room I really shouldn't be so accommodating!

Longdistance · 23/02/2018 23:47

I was with my dh 2 years, and we were married. If I got invited it meant he was coming too. YABU.

Original poster
Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:48

checked with you that is was ok ?

No that's exactly what he didn't do. He just announced it.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/02/2018 23:48

Gimble if my dbro was coming to stay and had a girlfriend of 2 years I would have asked if she was coming too.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/02/2018 23:48

So then what is your AIBU?

Having said all you've said, what would be the AIBU?

"My brother is coming to see me but didn't ask if he could invite his girlfriend of 2 years whom I think is lovely and we can host them and it's not for a long time"

Might I suggest you find a grip and hang on to it for dear life.

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