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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't just announce you're bringing your girlfriend?

216 replies

Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:11

My brother asked me a few weeks ago if he could come visit me and my family this summer. I said yes, that would be lovely, looking forward to seeing you.
Today he messaged me to confirm dates so he could book his flights. I said yep, sounds good - but just so you know me and my DP will both be at work for a couple of those days. He says that's fine, he can amuse himself and maybe Emily's coming too but that's not confirmed yet.

AIBU to be a bit wtf about that. Emily is his girlfriend of around 2 years. He never said "Can me and Emily come to stay?". He just announced that maybe she was coming. The way it was phrased he must have invited her long before he mentioned it to me (in a very offhand manner at that).

I mean it's not a major issue that she's (maybe) coming. Emily is a lovely woman. We can make the space. It's not a very long visit. If he had asked I would have said of course. But I'd like to have been asked! I don't yet categorise their relationship as so serious that it would go without saying that he meant the two of them - they don't even live together yet.

P.S. I live abroad in a place that tourists like to go, so when people visit it's often like a bit of a cut-price holiday for them - so there's more to it than just the fun of spending time with me, DP and our toddler and baby.

OP posts:
extinctspecies · 25/02/2018 18:07

Meh. It would have been polite for him to have asked you first, but it's not worth getting your knickers in a twist about.

He is close family after all.

pollymere · 25/02/2018 18:12

Maybe originally she couldn't come, he says it's not confirmed yet. Just because they don't live together doesn't mean it's not serious! I only moved in with dh three months before we got married, because my lease was up, and we got a place together. I'd have politely asked at the beginning of he was coming with Emily or not.

ForalltheSaints · 25/02/2018 18:17

Should have asked politely, especially as if they don't live together there can be no assumption and indeed no certainty that they are still a couple.

Oscarsdaddy · 25/02/2018 18:27

Did you never think to ask ‘is Emily coming with you?’

Seems a bit odd that you wouldn’t have asked especially as they have been together a long time

I’d just brush it off as miscommunication on both sides and accept them with open arms

monkeymamma · 25/02/2018 18:48

Much weirder of you to assume he wouldn't want to bring her - if any of my sibs or nieces and nephews were visiting (the ones who have a partner or BF/GF they've been seeing for a while) I'd invite both, and if the plan was just for them to come alone, I'd keep saying "are you sure BF/GF doesn't want to come?"/"don't forget it's fine to bring a friend if you want". I think it's weird you would just want him on your own actually. "The More the Merrier". It's not like he just met a stranger on the airplane and said come to my sister's, her door is always open. This whole OP is really strange actually!

Lashalicious · 25/02/2018 18:52

This reply has been deleted

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SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 25/02/2018 19:04

Well one can't help but get that impression lash...

Let so hope she doesn't mind waiting for the formal invite to visit babies when they come along..

TheAntiBoop · 25/02/2018 19:07

So he could have phrased it a bit more politely but how was this even bugging you enough to make you start a thread?

I can think of lots of worse things the siblings have done and they've never passed the 'must start a thread about this' threshold

ItWillAllBeFine · 25/02/2018 19:24

OP I think you were posting on here expecting to get vindication for your feeling a bit irritated. You haven’t got that. You probably need to relax and be straight with your brother. It really is no big deal.

starlightafar · 25/02/2018 19:53

Fucking hell Lash where's all that come from?? Unresolved conflicts or something?
Of course it's polite to ask if your partner can stay. How you have gone from that to calling op a bitch SIL from hell is unhinged. Just as he loves the gf doesn't mean OP has to. As it is OP said she's lovely.
There's more poisonous malice in your post than any of the OPs. Like I said if you love your family you have to put up with their partners. Op is doing that. She just wanted to be asked than presumed. And that is only fair.

RebelRogue · 25/02/2018 20:05

@Lashalicious projecting much?

Lashalicious · 25/02/2018 20:11

starlight based on op’s posts, this is not really about brother asking for her permission to bring girlfriend of two years. This is about op not liking the girlfriend. She said she’s lovely one one hand, on the other she implies that her brother’s gf only wants to take advangtage of a cut rate tourist holiday. Op is talking out of both sides of her mouth to disguise her hostility to gf but it is gleaned from her other contradictory statements. Ill will, plain to see. She gives no reason for this ill will. If she has a reason, then give it. Otherwise, she is making a huge mountain out of a molehill which is what malicious people do to people they don’t like. Any little thing is basis for indignation and a lecture. I bet if the brother had begged for approval to bring his gf, the op would have found another angle to cut them down, in fact she did—they are only coming to take advangtage of a cut rate tourist holiday according to the op. She doesn’t want the gf to come, permission asked or not, that is it in a nutshell. If she truly had good will toward the gf she wouldn’t be accusing her of wanting a cut rate holiday.

jayne1976 · 25/02/2018 20:15

As long as you know a day or so in advance - I.e how much prosecco to buy I don’t see the problem?

craigglen · 25/02/2018 20:22

This made me laugh. My brother has lived overseas for years and occasionally turns up on my doorstep - usually I have notice.....

DH and I laugh about the time that just before he arrived he mentioned a girlfriend would be coming with him. She'd never left her home country - a hot country - and it was freezing cold and she didn't speak much English. We made them both welcome, ate, drank, laughed and had fun.

I come from a hugely dysfunctional family but I would never turn away my brother - if he turned up with Donald Trump in tow he'd still be made welcome because I'd be so glad to see him.

Life is short OP. This is not something to be annoyed about!

RebelRogue · 25/02/2018 20:22

Wow @Lashalicious your reading skills are impressive! Not only you've read a whole backstory from "between the lines" but you also know how OP,her brother and Emily are feeling,what they are thinking too! That takes skill.

perfectstorm · 25/02/2018 20:35

Mumsnet is crazy tonight.

starlightafar · 25/02/2018 20:42

You see I thought that the OP referred to the fact that had they lived in the same country, Emily would not be interested in coming. It is because of where OP lives that she may be coming. As OP has said they live in a tourist spot I think it's understandable that she should have been asked, and that it is quite obvious that this is a free holiday, and not a family trip.

TheAntiBoop · 25/02/2018 21:06

The op has assumed that. She doesn't know for a fact.

cheval · 25/02/2018 21:09

If you and your brother have a good relationship, just go with the flow on this. Where’s the harm? Too easy to damage family bonds. Hundreds of threads on here and gransnet of families that have fallen out seemingly forever.

kevinkeeganlovesme · 25/02/2018 21:18

I'd actually be thrilled if any of my family bothered to visit me. 6 years of living away and only one has.

cherish123 · 25/02/2018 22:26

If they have been going out for two years, I would probably have assumed she was coming unless he said otherwise. I would not make a fuss, especially if you like her. He is your brother, after all. Presumably they are sharing a room so lack of space should not really be a problem.

ittakes2 · 26/02/2018 06:58

Yabu

Guavaf1sh · 26/02/2018 07:14

People who hold too much by formality and procedure, even for close family, tend to be cold and distant. I would have automatically assumed she was coming too. Two years is a serious relationship. YABU

londonrach · 26/02/2018 07:28

I would class a 2 year relationship as serious. Brother should have mentioned it but would you have mentioned your husband was coming as well if you went to stay with your brother

Geordie1944 · 26/02/2018 09:02

Get over yourself, OP.

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