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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't just announce you're bringing your girlfriend?

216 replies

Fuzzymatch · 23/02/2018 23:11

My brother asked me a few weeks ago if he could come visit me and my family this summer. I said yes, that would be lovely, looking forward to seeing you.
Today he messaged me to confirm dates so he could book his flights. I said yep, sounds good - but just so you know me and my DP will both be at work for a couple of those days. He says that's fine, he can amuse himself and maybe Emily's coming too but that's not confirmed yet.

AIBU to be a bit wtf about that. Emily is his girlfriend of around 2 years. He never said "Can me and Emily come to stay?". He just announced that maybe she was coming. The way it was phrased he must have invited her long before he mentioned it to me (in a very offhand manner at that).

I mean it's not a major issue that she's (maybe) coming. Emily is a lovely woman. We can make the space. It's not a very long visit. If he had asked I would have said of course. But I'd like to have been asked! I don't yet categorise their relationship as so serious that it would go without saying that he meant the two of them - they don't even live together yet.

P.S. I live abroad in a place that tourists like to go, so when people visit it's often like a bit of a cut-price holiday for them - so there's more to it than just the fun of spending time with me, DP and our toddler and baby.

OP posts:
LockedOutOfMN · 24/02/2018 11:12

I would have assumed when he asked that he meant both of them. Two years is serious.

Somerville · 24/02/2018 11:19

Siblings impose on each other; it comes with the territory of the sibling relationship, doesn't it? (If not then could someone tell my sister than please!)

CoolCarrie · 24/02/2018 11:21

He is your brother, surely he can bring a long standing girlfriend to visit, it isn’t as if you don’t know her.

Grammar · 24/02/2018 11:31

Maybe he simply assumed, on the basis of a pretty good heretofore relationship with you, that you wouldn't be particularly upset by this?
I would say ' Lovely, will be super to see her again
As you say, it's not a big deal, you like her, you have the room. It shouldn't matter to you if it is Leicester or the Maldives.
I'd say again, how lovely it will be to see him, with Emily or without.
Then the angst can stop.

blackberryfairy · 24/02/2018 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xocaraic · 24/02/2018 14:26

I think perhaps you were naive.

You probably should have considered the Emily factor in your original conversations about this. He sees her as part of his life, you don't yet.

But if you can make space, don't find her annoying and are willing to host, no harm/no foul. If you can't host them both, tell your brother and he can make hotel/ AirBnB plans for Emily and himself.

Allthebestnamesareused · 24/02/2018 14:48

What space will Emily need? I would assume after being a long term gf for 2 years she'll be sharing a bed with your DB

Mookie81 · 25/02/2018 00:11

OP keep saying she doesn't have a problem with her brother and his girlfriend, but she clearly does. The snide remarks about all his previous '2-3 relationships' and how she has been nice to 'all his girlfriends' prices that.Hmm

Gemini69 · 25/02/2018 00:13

Oh really? It doesn’t matter who? So when you go to your parents or your siblings house, you need to ask if it’s okay to bring your wife or husband or children? How ridiculous. Don’t talk rubbish

She is part of their family now; they’ve been together for two years

He's a DICK... he's not asked if it's okay for him to being someone with him to your Family Home... it doesn't matter who it is.. He didn't ASK ... manners dictate He should ASK... unless He's always been a TWAT in which case.. tell Him NO.. he can't come visit with unannounced girlfriend.... EASY

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2018 00:46

The OP has pointed out that her brother has had a few relationships that last 2-3 years, so in her eyes, 2 years doesn't qualify as long-term because it could be "on the downward slope to out", which makes sense given his track record.
In actual time, it is of course quite long for a relationship - but if he has a habit of ending it within 3 years, then the OP is probably just waiting for Emily to go the way of all the others, which might be why it wouldn't be appropriate to just expect her to be along as well.
For all she knew, her brother might have been wanting a bit of space to decide what to do about Emily!

He should have asked, but she should also have asked "is Emily coming too" - fault on both sides but the lack of manners is his alone.

Clandestino · 25/02/2018 01:08

TBH, I would automatically assume DB is bringing his fiancé and would expect him to tell me otherwise.

Skarossinkplunger · 25/02/2018 04:27

You sound like hard work op.

You haven’t ‘categorised’ their relationship yet. How condescending, I don’t think it’s up to you to do that.

You go on and on about living in this wonderful place and people using you for a cheap holiday. Your brother had no say in where you live. Does your location determine that he never visits you with a partner?

Unless you were going to accommodate them in separate bedrooms does it really put you out much if she decides to come at a he last minute?

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2018 05:05

YANBU

"Can I stay" means just me, so therefore "Yes you can" means just you.

He asked for himself and then tacked Emily on without actually asking if that was ok with the host which is rude and presumptive. The fact that Emily would have been welcome is not the point. The point is that you ask, you dont assume!

AstridWhite · 25/02/2018 05:08

After 2 years together I would have just assumed they were coming together. I certainly wouldn't be surprised or irritated to find this out a bit later.

I'm a bit confused by what you are saying. You seem to be angry that he didn't ask permission in advance to bring her yet you say it's no problem, she's lovely and you have the space. Confused

OuaisMaisBon · 25/02/2018 05:32

YANBU. It's just good manners.

Sassychiccy · 25/02/2018 10:01

Even if they had been together 20 years, if he said ‘can I come?’ Why would anyone assume that meant two people Confused

Gabilan · 25/02/2018 11:55

The OP has pointed out that her brother has had a few relationships that last 2-3 years, so in her eyes, 2 years doesn't qualify as long-term because it could be "on the downward slope to out", which makes sense given his track record

I dated someone like that and his family had a similar attitude. It becomes something of a self-fulfilling prophecy really. His family saw me as a link in a chain and they were right. However, part of what caused problems for us was his family's attitude and his response to that.

I don't blame OP for thinking that even after 2 years, this might not be a serious relationship. I do think the situation is being blown out of proportion.

PatsyClineSilVousPlait · 25/02/2018 13:36

In his position I wouldn't be so inconsiderate to not ask.

In your position I wouldn't be so uptight as to need asking.

Chill out and enjoy having them over.

kevinkeeganlovesme · 25/02/2018 13:45

I also love abroad in a tourist area.

I'd (and have several times) assumed friends and family are bringing their partner. I'd think it was a bit weird if they had to 'ask' if they could come too! Confused

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 25/02/2018 17:32

I don’t get the problem either. No offence, but you’re making a fuss over something and nothing, which doesn’t sound like any kind of inconvenience to you anyway.

perfectstorm · 25/02/2018 17:32

This would be really rude in a friend. In family, I dunno. I'd sort of assume that they would assume it was okay, really. As he seems to have done.

I do get why you're irritated, but I think (as the thread shows) that plenty of people would think this normal, okay behaviour in a family.

starlightafar · 25/02/2018 17:47

I'm a bit weird about things like this.
For example, I can cope if my sister stays as she's my sister so it's natural and I don't feel awkward in my own home. If she fetches her OH, it feels like a real effort and I can't relax around him. It wouldn't be a problem If they came together as I love her and so him coming would make her happy. But I would feel uncomfortable, especially if it wasn't expected and he was coming at short notice. Also, sometimes people want time with their own families without anyone else, that isn't unreasonable.
I get that once people establish dating some of them become a couple instead of a person, ie we are Emily and OP bro. So you have to have both rather than either or. I think that it's sad in some ways that people in partnerships act like that and force their partner choice on you all the time but at the same time if you want to see them you have to put up with the partner as well.

Crunched · 25/02/2018 17:47

I think she probably wouldn't bother if I lived in Leicester or something

I don't know Leicester well but would prefer to visit what I believe to be a city of some historical and current interest than some busy, hot tourist trap. Maybe Emily needs persuading as I would so your DB is working on that, hence the uncertainty of her joining him Grin

HTH.

WilburIsSomePig · 25/02/2018 17:50

So it's not like they planned the trip together because they are such an established couple that they go everywhere together. They're not. He planned it, cleared it with me and THEN invited her.

Sorry, I'm really not getting the issue. He could have phrased it better I suppose but I don't see it as a big deal. Plenty of other things to get in a tizz about.

marhav999 · 25/02/2018 17:58

Not unusual to bring girlfriend of 2 years. He just has no manners. Would definitely tell him his girlfriend would always be welcome but I would like to be asked first.