To worry friend is throwing her marriage away?

[littlemissrain]

Dh and I have been friends with a couple for a very long time, about 20 years.

We both have 2 dc - our kids are similar ages and were very close growing up as we live near each other. We've been on holidays together, and shared countless school runs. She and her husband are such a lovely couple - they've been together since uni, and he is so supportive of everything she has ever done, delaying his career and raising the kids so that she could achieve her goals.

My friend has had mental health problems in the past - periods of depression that she has been on medication for. She has always been fine in the end. However, since her youngest left for uni last September, she has been really down, and last week announced that she was leaving to go and stay with friends to 'get some space'.

I know it's her life, but aibu to worry that she's throwing her wonderful marriage away? Would you say something in this situation?

Yeh if probably say something or ask her if she wants to talk. There could be more things going on that you know about.

Well, 1: it's none of your business,
2: you never know what goes on behind closed doors,
3: what on earth would you possibly say that wouldn't irreparably damage the friendship?
4: you seem more concerned of losing the couple to hang out with

No one ever really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage, no matter how close you may be to the couple. There are plenty of marriages that look "wonderful" but one or both are actually very unhappy behind closed doors.

I think you can be there for your friend and ask if she's ok or wants to talk but you can't advise her against leaving her husband if that's what she wants to do. Saying that, going to stay with friends to get some space isn't the same as leaving the marriage so it may all work itself out soon anyway.

I think you could ask her if she wanted to talk - but your post does suggest you have already taken 'sides' with her DH to some extent. It's all very well saying he has been so supportive of everything she has done or that she has a 'wonderful' marriage, but you haven't lived it have you?

She might have had a shit marriage - none of us know what goes on behind closed doors.

Maybe she is struggling with her mental health and needs support rather than judgement.

Agree with everything Blessyourcottonsocks has written.

"he is so supportive of everything she has ever done, delaying his career and raising the kids so that she could achieve her goals" - or alternatively, she feels more pressured to achieve her goals to make his "sacrifices" worthwhile. You know nothing of what goes on behind closed doors. Do you even know why she feels like she needs space?

It's not at all unusual for what looks like a 'wonderful' marriage to involve systematic abuse behind closed doors.
Also, everyone has the right to dump a partner who is making them unhappy. If your friend wants to leave her H, that's up to her.

Have re-read the OP and am a bit confused, but maybe I've missed something – how does taking some time and space and staying with friends for a while signal the end of a marriage?

Could it not just be that she actually needs some space?

Is it possible she's taking some space for herself in order not to damage her marriage?

Talk to her

She and her husband are such a lovely couple - they've been together since uni, and he is so supportive of everything she has ever done, delaying his career and raising the kids so that she could achieve her goals.

It's not you that has to sleep with hin, though is it?

NOSE OUT!

It could just be empty nest syndrome, I'm known couples who have split at this time, realising that once the kids have gone there's nothing to keep them together.
It's very strange but not unusual.
I imagine she just wants space to reevaluate what she wants to do in the future, she is entering a new stage in her life.

I agree with empty nest syndrome. She could be really struggling to come to terms with her youngest being away at uni. It really makes you look at your life and think "what next?" You need to talk to her. And listen.

I would imagine her marriage isn’t that wonderful at all. Good on her for taking time out and thinking about next steps rather than just feeling she has to stay where she is and put up with being miserable for the rest of her life.

All you can do is offer a listening ear and be supportive if she wants that from you.

Wow, the replies.

If the shoe was on the other foot and a bloke had left his wife of 20 years, who'd given up work to raise his kids, because he "needed some space" - everyone would be yelling what an asshole he is.

However, needing some space does not mean divorce! People need space all the time in varying quantities for various reasons! It might not be the end.

Would you say something in this situation?

Yes, I would tell her I was there to listen if she needed an ear.

Just wish her well and hope things work out and that you are there for her if she needs any support.

Then BACK OFF quickly.

Really, after that it is none of your business.

Heard anything from the husband/family yet? Keep your distance would be my view.

I’d hope you’d see the significant life events your friend is experiencing
Her child has gone to uni,big role change for op.and op has low mood
You could listen impartiality without making comment.just be there for her

She asked for space... why is that 'throwing her marriage away?'
Will he go on a shagging spree while she's away?
What's really going on here? You seem to have left something out...

Not sure what your point is. Maybe you actually know and are not divulging?

Yolo - I'm often one to say that threads are biased depending on whether the poster/subject is male or female, but I'm not seeing it here.
As pp have said no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. And even a "perfect" relationship may not last forever. No-one "owes" anyone the continuation of a relationship if they want out, regardless of whether they've been supportive, made sacrifices etc.
And space can mean just that.

I remember an overwhelming sense of relief that nobody questioned why I left an apparently “perfect “ marriage and life .
Everyone was so kind , asked no questions just assured me that they were there to listen if and when I wanted or needed to talk .
Please do that for this lady .

I left for good reasons that I wished to remain private.

ExH and I left our wonderful marriage to the surprise of friends and family who thought we were a perfect couple, so affectionate and yada yada. My parents were distraught and many of our friends were sure we would regret it as they could se we were friendly and caring towards each other even after the split.

He was my baby brother, I was his mum. As simple as that.

Don’t think that her previous depression may mean she is impaired to take such a decision. There is a strong likelyhood that she was depressed as she was not happy and she may have been dealing with the shock and grief that comes with any split for months before she announced she was leaving.

Depression and anxiety and needing medication are also quite likely to be a red flag that Wonderful Hubby is abusive. Many abusive men put on a good show in public and terrorize their partners at home - they often like to give the impression that Wifey is a mental case - see what they have to put up with, aren't they wonderful for being so patient, and all the while, they are quietly torturing the poor woman in a way that doesn't show...

Yeah, that may be completely untrue, and she may have been having an affair, or they might just have looked at each other now the DC are grown and gone: we have nothing in common any more, do we? But your enthusiasm for the idea that she is a selfish, ungrateful bitch does give a bit of an impression that WonderHubby has done a good job on the local community of promoting his own sainthood...