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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let my child cry it out

49 replies

melclaire1111 · 14/02/2018 21:33

Possibly a controversial thread but I need some advice!

DD 21 months and isn't the best sleeper. She can sleep through but has only done so on about 3 occassions. On a good night she is up once, on a bad night she can be up every hour.

I have not and do not want to go down the controlled crying/cry it method. I usually give her a few minutes to see if it's a whinge or an actual cry before going to her. Sometimes it's for her dummy, sometimes milk, but usually after 20 minutes she goes back to sleep.

Dh is now throwing a strip saying she should be sleeping through by now. I do all the night wakings (We both work full time but he works randon shifts including nights so I've just got on with it)

He is now saying he will do everything and make her cry it out all night til she learns which just makes me feel sick.

We are moving house soon so she will be going into a bed which I think will help but he's insisting we start now.

So help! Any advice without resorting to letting her cry all night!

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 14/02/2018 21:46

YANBU but neither is you DH. Try gradual retreat. I’ve never used CIO but by all accounts it does work. Gradual retreat is a more gentle, slower process. Getting a full nights sleep and resting her digestive system will be a good thing.

George1983 · 14/02/2018 21:48

How soon do you move? You might put all your effort into getting a routine sorted and then the house move could spoil it all anyway

pastabest · 14/02/2018 21:49

I wouldn't bother doing anything until you move house. There's every chance that anything you do now will be undone in the move anyway.

I think some versions of controlled crying have a place in certain circumstances so I wouldn't rule out a version that you are happy with completely.

For example at 21 months she probably wants milk when she wakes but probably doesn't need it. Rather than just leaving her to cry you could go in to reassure her but not overly interact with her/give her anything and just settle her back down and say bed time. Over and over again if necessary. You don't even have to leave the room, just get her to understand that waking up is boring and pointless.

We've just done this with 12 month old DD and it worked surprisingly quickly, and at no point I felt guilty that she was being 'left' to cry. She cried lots initially but with us there and it was she was cross and tired and not because she was alone and scared. Took 3 nights and she is now (nearly) sleeping through. We heard her stir at about 4am this morning and whimper a bit but she was fast asleep again before either of us felt the need to move.

ethelfleda · 14/02/2018 21:50

YANBU!! Trust your instincts. If they're stopping you from wanting to use this harsh method then don't use it!

TenGinBottles · 14/02/2018 21:50

Wait til you move.

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/02/2018 22:00

Dh is now throwing a strip saying she should be sleeping through by now.

Do you think perhaps your DH needs to piss off elsewhere and be left to cry it out instead?

I never did CIO. The sound of the DCs crying pierced me and I never felt ok leaving them. Neither has been developmentally scarred for being hugged and rocked and adored a little too much as babies. There's no "should be sleeping through by now" they just do it when they're ready.

There's not much I'd overrule DH on but CIO is one of those things I feel quite strongly about. If it's not right for you, don't feel pressured into doing it.

Bosabosa · 14/02/2018 22:04

Tell your DH he has no say in this seeing as you do it all at night anyway.
Trust your instincts, and most kids don’t sleep through regularly until much later.
He has no right to be insisting on anything

Scotsrule · 14/02/2018 22:13

I couldn’t do controlled crying - I hated hearing ds cry. I watched a lot of baby whisperer back then and followed the pick up put down method. Have a look and see if it for you

I also got rid of his dummy - he was waking up more for that than anything else, kinda defeated the object 😂

goose1964 · 14/02/2018 22:19

It sounds like you do it like I did with mine and I do with DGSs after you move if she wakes up an cries for enough time for you to see to her, don't talk to her , but tuck her in and give a bottle of water rather than milk. Gradually she'll get the message that nights are for sleeping

blackcoffeeredwine · 14/02/2018 22:21

I absolutely hate CIO. As adults, if we were distressed and crying and our DH just left us in a room to cry ourselves to sleep, we’d have everyone on mumsnet crying LTB!
Many psychological studies have showen this can damage them and affect how they act in the future. Please don’t do it. Babies need love and need to be close to their mummies. My 2 YO is still in our bed (not for everyone I agree!) but I personally think that we don’t like to sleep alone so why should we make them? He likes the comfort and the closeness and I like to be the one to provide that for him.

MrsPreston11 · 14/02/2018 22:21

YADNBU

Cry it out is cruel. Never have and never would do it.

Google the effects it can have on a developing brain.

Also. I want my kids to know if they need me, in there. Not just in the daytime or when they’re happy.

Baubletrouble43 · 14/02/2018 22:25

Very like pastabest we have just got our 14 month old twins sleeping better by staying in their room as they go to sleep and if they cry out and stand in cot we just lie them down again and soothe/stroke them to comfort them. No leaving to cry and they've taken to it really well. We pop them in bed read a story turn off the light and leave the room now. and they are happy.

Baubletrouble43 · 14/02/2018 22:26

Agree with the above about CIO. Don't know stats or research but just feels very wrong to me.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 14/02/2018 22:27

Getting rid of night bottles might help. If she knows that crying will sometimes be rewarded with milk, she'll keep doing it out of habit. We 'sleep trained' our DS at 1yo as we couldn't hack the hourly wakings anymore. We never let him cry it out but we went in after 3 mins of crying to reassure and put him back down, then 5, then 10 and a maximum of 10 mins thereafter. It only took two nights of doing that consistently and now he sleeps through, which is better for him as well as us. Hope her sleep improves soon, 21 months is quite old to be waking so frequently Brew Good luck!

Cmlcml · 14/02/2018 22:28

I really think you have to do what's best for your oh here. Just pop oh in the bedroom- make sure he has water etc then tell him to lay down and go to sleep, then walk out and lock the door. You might here him crying but he'll be fine until morning.
If he's sick from crying then just walk in and clear it up without making eye contact and no comforting.
Your oh needs to learn.

I'd personally turf of out on the sofa and sleep have lo in bed with you.

MincemeatTart · 14/02/2018 22:30

I’m with your husband. Letting them cry isn’t cruel, has no lasting damage and preserves sanity by allowing everyone to sleep. That said just before a move isn’t the best time. Nobody likes hearing their children cry, it’s not that sleep training is easy for the parent but it is effective and teaches children they are able to settle themselves to sleep.

GaspingGekko · 14/02/2018 22:37

I agree with PPs to wait until after the move to do anything. Spend the time between now and then looking up more gentle techniques, there's plenty out there it really isn't a case of CIO or nothing.

Each to their own I guess, but I personally find the idea of CIO cruel. In no other situation is it considered OK to teach a child that their needs don't matter, even if that need is just putting a dummy back in or giving them a hug.

Plus on a more practical note it doesn't always work - you may agree to it only to find that after a week it's still not working and your DD is screaming for an hour or more.

Please follow your instinct. Maybe try to understand why your DH has decided he wants to do this when you do all the night waking anyhow. Could maybe a family member or friend have said something?

namechange4444 · 14/02/2018 22:42

My 19 month old is similar to yours, I personally think the cry it out techniques are too harsh. She is still a baby and crying because she needs something, even if she doesn't 'need' the milk its a comfort.

Crying it out isn't teaching them to sleep its teaching them that no one will come if they cry so eventually they give up trying.

nutbrownhare15 · 14/02/2018 22:43

What's it got to do with him if he's not doing any of the night wakings? My daughter's sleep improved naturally over time. We still go to her at night if she needs us, she's 2 1/2. No controlled crying is necessary. Have a read of the gentle sleep book and no cry sleep.solution.

Worldsworstcook · 14/02/2018 22:44

Research is very divided - scientists sway between it being bad for cortisol levels and harmless.

Personally I couldn't do it.

Cmlcml · 14/02/2018 22:44

teaches children they are able to settle themselves to sleep.

Teaches children no one will be there for you when you need comforting. Great lesson 👍🏼

I'd personally rather have less sleep than an emotionally damaged child.

I speak from personal experience as I was left to cry as a child.

namechange4444 · 14/02/2018 22:44

And for what its worth, I did the same for DC1 who sleeps perfectly fine now at 4, he didn't 'need' to be taught to self settle he just gradually needed me to settle him less and it happened naturally, if you are happy how things are I don't see the need.

werewolfhowls · 14/02/2018 22:45

Both my children slept so so much better once in a full sized single bed. So there might be hope. Although like others here I never believed in cry it out

MrsDeltaB · 14/02/2018 22:52

No could should for me. I have three DDs. You have to go with your gut. If YOU feel you can take no more crying then go in and settle/comfort. If YOU feel you can take no more then leave them another minute or two.

There are no set rules. No dictator hanging on your head. Rod for own back? So be it, if you feel it's the right thing for you and child. Being harsh as viewed by some? So be it, if it's the right thing for you and child.

Please, don't over analyse, go with your emotion.

munqch · 14/02/2018 23:00

CIO is cruel and has many damaging implications for a child in terms of the security of their attachment and elevation of cortisol levels. It teaches your child that they cannot rely on you when they need you. Please follow your instinct and don't do it! Children's sleep naturally improves as they get older, it's just time.