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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Not AIBU But posting for traffic

24 replies

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 20:52

...and I've had a little drink this evening

This is a silly one and I feel a bit silly posting but I don't want to talk to anyone in RL.

There's a man at work that I like but I don't know if he's just being friendly. If anyone else was telling me the goings on, I'd say he definitely liked them but seems to have trouble for myself.

We are both quite shy around each other. Over the last week we've started talking via messages at home and spoke back and forth over 4 days and a couple of hours tonight. Tonight I mentioned I had to write a speech and had no idea where to start...an hour later he'd come back to me with an email of a doc he'd written for me to use and put effort into it.

If someone said to me they'd spent that long talking to someone from work (not just about work, what we were doing that day/interests etc) and put effort into writing something for them at home, I'd be inclined to say they liked each other.

In person, we try to talk but I feel shy around him and he seems nervous ish and paces when talking to me in front of people. I just don't know if he's really friendly/nice in general

Help MNers lol

OP posts:

Yukbuck · 09/02/2018 20:54

Is he single? Why don't you see if he fancies going for a drink?

Trailedanderror · 09/02/2018 20:55

I think he likes you 😉
Are you both single?

Florene · 09/02/2018 20:55

Offer to take him for a drink to say thank you...

Scribblegirl · 09/02/2018 20:55

I think a 'Gosh, thanks for the document. Can I buy you a drink to say thank you?' email would be super appropriate

Scribblegirl · 09/02/2018 20:55

Yes florene!

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 20:57

I don't know if he's definitely single but he's never mentioned anyone (obviously!).

So as to not drip feed, one of my idiot friends asked him if he liked me about a month ago and he said no which threw me until this week. My friend is really laddy and imposing (as opposed to shy, nice man. for guys the same age they couldn't be more different) so part of me thought maybe he wouldn't have said yes even if he did. If that hadn't happened and be imprinted in my head, i'd feel a lot more confident

OP posts:

InToMyHeart · 09/02/2018 20:58

Sounds like he loooooooves yoooouuuu!

Ask him out by text if it's easier but it definitely sounds like he is interested but doesn't really know what to say.

Just say something like:

"There's a film I really want to see but I've got no one to go with, do you fancy coming with me?"

You don't need to say it's a date. Just see where it goes from there.

Florene · 09/02/2018 21:05

Regardless of your update, it's still okay to offer to take him for a drink to say thank you. Then he has the option of accepting as a mate or as a date...

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 21:08

I feel ridiculous that the thought of doing that fills me with dread. It's past effecting future...I've usually been the instigator in past relationships and they've not ended well, so I have a crippling fear of putting myself out there without more surety from him...Ideally I want him to. My initial gut reaction was that he did, but after my friend's episode, I'm second guessing everything. I know I don't go home and spend hours talking to other work colleagues but maybe he does lol

OP posts:

Florene · 09/02/2018 21:12

But you also get to go along either as a mate or date - so you can spend additional time with him as friends, see how you get on and decide how you feel afterwards.

It may then be after an evening out, as a thank you between mates, that he does then make a move himself!

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2018 21:15

When is the speech for? Say to him, let me buy you a drink to say thanks, plus I can pick your brains some more!!

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 21:21

It's for Monday. I did already bring him something from home as I'd made some cakes for a sale and gave him some so I feel the 'thanks' ship has sort of sailed :/

OP posts:

Lemontart25 · 09/02/2018 21:22

You have nothing to lose OP. Go for it, he likes you enough to be speaking to you for hours via text. Therefore he must see something in you, your personality that he enjoys either as friends or more. Colleagues do not spend that much time on eachother in my experience unless one/both have a 'thing' for the other!

Oooh I miss this part of being young free & single! I can live through you OP

Send the text as mentioned by a pp to offer a thank you drink or even the film option. They are really casual so you won't be coming across to obvious.

Lemontart25 · 09/02/2018 21:24

X posted! So definitely opt for the cinema text.

MorningstarMoon · 09/02/2018 21:35

Oh the lost art of conversation

If he is single just ask him out! Unless you are one of those a man must do it types.

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 21:36

I'm not finding obstacles on purpose, I swear! lol The film thing is a potential but we live about an hour from each other so logistics aren't the best...Why won't he just ask me out and stop me stressing

OP posts:

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 21:37

MorningStar...not 'one of those types' but as I said above, I've generally been the instigator in the past and just once it'd be nice for the guy to do it

OP posts:

ClemHFandango · 09/02/2018 21:45

When you give the speech and it goes really well you can use that as another opportunity to say thanks and ask him for a drink. :)

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 21:50

Does that sound like it could be overkill? I'm just afraid of looking too ott/intense. We've spoke all but 2 days in some form this week so I don't want to look like I won't leave him alone...:/

To the person who said they miss this...no, you don't! lol I hate the uncertainty

OP posts:

Lemontart25 · 09/02/2018 22:10

Ah that's a bummer, but still workable.

What is your workplace like? Is it a very social crowd? Mine used to be (big city) so was great for Friday night drinks & payday blowouts!

If so could you make sure he is included in the next one if he isn't usually? Spend time with him there or get your 'laddy' friend or someone more subtle to organise something send a group email. Then in the week beforehand at work or wherever just say "I heard there's drinks Friday, are you planning on going? I might pop in for 1 or 2 if you fancy?"

And I know how you feel it's a minefield. But I must admit now at my age & time in life I wish I had enjoyed those years (pre kids & single) even MORE than I did.

I certainly wouldn't enjoy it much now but 15 years ago, I think I would happily re live lol

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 22:29

Haha thank you for the positivity! It's not, unfortunately. We all leave and go home except at Christmas and I don't think my patience will wait that long lol

If I had a solid indication that it was a definite, I wouldn't have an issue but this is the first person I've actually been bothered about someone in a few years and as it's work I don't want to create an awful awkwardness if it's a no!

OP posts:

Lemontart25 · 10/02/2018 10:47

Yes Christmas is kind of a little too long!

My guess is he feels exactly the same as you with it being a work setting & not wanting to mess it up. So unless someone says something it could just stay like this!

Does he have any idea that you like him? Could your friend try again but this time say he thinks that you are keen on him & see what happens?

Only thing I can suggest really.

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 11/02/2018 21:15

Well, I got up the baby-balls to ask him out sort of. I did it extremely nonchalantly and I'm not sure if he actually realised what I meant. A friend dropped out of an event in a couple of weeks so I asked him if he liked X and told him what happened, I stupidly said I couldn't find anyone to go with thanks to an anxiety pang to dial up the casual vibe and he said he has a family night with his brother and sister (all recently moved out) every X night then went on to ask what i'd done with my day and told me how much he missed them....

I don't think it's necessarily a bad sign but I don't think I've ever so passively asked someone out they didn't realise it was happening

OP posts:

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 17:55

Well, I feel like shit. I asked him out v casually via text as there's always people around... He said he's sorry but he's been seeing someone for about a month and doesn't want to complicate things and didn't mean to lead me on....so, I feel like an idiot. I do think him saying about leading me on etc means he sort of knows...

It's really upset me...not him specifically but the fact that yet again someone who appeared lovely turns out not to be. If you're seeing someone, wtf are you spending hours talking to some girl from work even if the conversation is just friendly? I wouldn't like it if I was that girl :/

Also to make it worse, he said he didn't think 'anyone as beautiful as you' would actually be being serious' Wtaf is that? I feel like an idiot for being as upset as I am

I was nice back as I obviously still have to see him, but my friend said I should have told him off more :(

OP posts:

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