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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's a heartless dick?

29 replies

willthisyeareverbeover · 14/12/2017 18:10

Lost my sister (33) 6 months ago. Her
Husband who’s been seeing
Somebody else for 4 months has just arranged for his mother to drop every single thing of hers at my nans. It doesn’t look like he’s kept one single photo!! How can I ever think he loved her now?? I’m so angry and this has made my mum really upset. Totally fuming 😤

OP posts:
Monoblock67 · 14/12/2017 18:13

Grief affects different people in different ways, and as hard as it is you can’t judge him right now. He may find that the only way he can move on is to eliminate all trace of her-which sounds cruel but in his mind is the only way to cope. Further down the line he’ll likely deeply regret it but all he knows is how he feels right now.

I’m very sorry for your loss OP Flowers

stickytoffeevodka · 14/12/2017 18:14

Maybe he finds it too hard to have all her photos around? Different people grieve in different ways - try not to judge him.

I'm so sorry about your sister Flowers

mustbemad17 · 14/12/2017 18:14

Sorry for your loss 😔 He defo sounds like a heartless prick! My aunt died whilst i was at uni, her husband (they'd been together 20+ years) got rid of everything, including her beloved dog...then shacked up with another woman in the house they had shared. My aunt's ashes were kept under the bed 😡😡

I get that everyone moves on at their own pace...but surely show a bit of respect? And your poor mum & nan 😔 Would you like a baseball bat & an alibi?

Reflexella · 14/12/2017 18:17

Gosh that’s awful yanbu. I’d be upset too.

If it’s any consolation, I had a person like that in my life. However, it was a weird grieving thing. He quickly got into a new relationship but when drunk would cry about his partner who died.

Possibly the same but tactlessly not thinking about how dropping off all her possessions may effect other people’s grieving?

Ideserveaholiday · 14/12/2017 18:18

So sorry for your loss. That sounds very soon. I lost my sister when she was 28 and it was very hard to see him remarry especially as new wife got lots of my sister's keepsakes and just disposed of them. Perhaps he's done you a favour as at least now you have them to keep in your family. Flowers

Reallytired17 · 14/12/2017 18:20

It always happens

I hate it.

Mulberry72 · 14/12/2017 18:24

So sorry for your loss OP. Flowers

I lost my beautiful DM suddenly two years ago, within two months of her passing DF had got rid of all her clothes, handbags, makeup, perfume, everything, without talking to me or my siblings. Within eleven months he met a lady and they are now inseparable.

I genuinely believe that men grieve differently to women, I know it’s so, so hard but please try not to judge him. I know it’s so difficult when you’re grieving so much yourself.

Anxioustabbycat · 14/12/2017 18:25

Very tactless and yes he is being a heartless prick.
But unfortunately that is often how men react to loosing a partner including older men who have been married decades. I have seen stats on it and it’s interesting how men ,literally seem to find someone else really quickly or often die themselves within a short time frame. Don’t have time now to pull up the articles. I know it’s been discussed on MN before also. Women grieve for longer and often stay single.
So sorry this must be hurtful to your family but it’s probably just his way of coping with extreme grief. Hope you are ok x

Reallytired17 · 14/12/2017 18:27

They don’t grieve differently, they just aren’t really all that bothered.

A woman will do. Any woman.

Original poster
willthisyeareverbeover · 14/12/2017 18:37

I never expected him to stay on his own forever. He’s too young. He announced his new relationship on Facebook which I found disrespectful. He even sent her vibrator to my nans. Wtf, who does that!
She was very sick for a long time, he was always by her side and I get people grieve differently but this is just too much. Oh and he hasn’t yet paid for her funeral. Choosing to buy a new car instead.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 14/12/2017 18:39

'He was always by her side'

I would focus on that Thanks

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/12/2017 18:41

He sent her vibrator. Yep, heartless prick.

DotDashBeep · 14/12/2017 18:58

So sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

The vibrator though... Shock

Reflexella · 14/12/2017 18:59

O he does sound truly awful. Yes definitely heartless.

OnTheRise · 14/12/2017 19:02

Grief works differently for us all.

But I read some research recently that said that people who have strong relationships tend to move on more quickly after bereavement than those who have troubled relationships. The strength of their relationship makes things clearer and easier to resolve.

Hold on to the fact that he was always by her side; and that she would have wanted him to be happy.

I am so sorry for your loss.

missyB1 · 14/12/2017 19:02

No matter how he chooses to deal with his grief (or maybe not actually deal with it), he has no right to be so hurtful towards your family. Very disrespectful!

Gottagetmoving · 14/12/2017 19:06

What was he like before your sister passed away?... Is his behaviour now in character with how he was before?

Amanduh · 14/12/2017 19:06

Calling someone who has lost their wife a heartless prick is so nasty. Grief affects people differently. It doesn't mean he's heartless, he's probably feeling absolutely devastated and wants to pretend it never happened. It's often the way. He was always by her side. The poor bloke probably can't cope. Maybe he literally packed every single memory up and out because he can't bear to be reminded. Not logical no but grief isn't.
Sorry for your loss.

MissionItsPossible · 14/12/2017 19:12

Calling someone who has lost their wife a heartless prick is so nasty

Sending a deceased person's fucking vibrator to their nan is heartless, prickish and nasty (in the mean sense and the disgusting sense) behaviour.

Firesuit · 14/12/2017 19:17

Sending a deceased person's fucking vibrator to their nan is heartless, prickish and nasty (in the mean sense and the disgusting sense) behaviour.

I don't know why he did this, but of all the explanations I can think of, wanting to upset her family seems the least likely.

mustbemad17 · 14/12/2017 19:18

I am actually okay with being nasty in this instance. Having had similar occur in my family I can say hand on heart anyone who can do this sort of thing especially mere weeks after their loved one has died is indeed a selfish prick. Grief doesn't give you carte blanche to trample all over other people's feelings, especially when they are going through the same, if not worse, grief.

FluffyFerrets · 14/12/2017 19:20

I was going to join the 'everyone grieves differently' pp's until you posted
He even sent her vibrator to my nans
Why the fuck would someone do that Shock
I cannot comprehend why he would do that. Surely in a similar situation a person would bin something like that rather than pass it on to a family member.

expatinscotland · 14/12/2017 19:26

Wow. I think I'd bin him from my life.

unicornpoopoop · 14/12/2017 19:26

This sounds very similar to someone I know. And I'm disgusted by his behaviour. I get that people grieve in different ways but it's disrespectful.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/12/2017 19:38

Fucking twat.

I'd send a public message on Facebook 'Hope the new car is running well! Maybe you could take it for a spin to the funeral directors as they still need payment, in case you've FORGOTTEN'

I wouldn't, obviously.

But he's a dick.

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