Sister solely relying on Mum for childcare

[HerNameWasCleo]

My sister has a 22 month old daughter, and works three days a week, her OH works full time. Our mother lives about ten minutes from her, and a couple of hours away from me. Mum looks after sisters daughter in the three days sis is at work.

I am now pregnant and would love my Mum to be able to come down and spend time with my baby some of the time, but am not expecting any formal childcare. However, Mum is not sure how much she'll be able to get down here due to looking after my niece.

I have said that maybe she could cut down looking after my niece if it means she won't be able to spend time with her other grandchild, but sis has said she can't do without my Mum doing the same if not more childcare as she is now. I will be paying for my baby to go to nursery when I go back to work.

I don't begrudge my sister the childcare from my Mum, but AIBU in feeling a bit fed up that my child will see its grandmother less because my sister doesn't want to pay for childcare? We earn very similarly and have same outgoings, so if I can manage it I'm sure she can...

YANBU. I would be a wee bit fed up at that too. Could your mum come down for a long weekend sometimes? Is it three days in a row she looks after your niece? I'm sure that once your baby is here and your mum has met him or her, she will want to come down and visit as much as possible.

Assuming you moved a couple of hours away then yabu. It always happens that way when there is distance with one and not the other, it's inevitable really. I don't suppose that was a factor when you moved but nothing you can do now. It would be a different story if you were the same distance

I think you are being a bit U. You live a couple of hours away, she only looks after 3 days a week... why can’t she come to you for weekends to see your child? I see no reason she should cut down on caring for her other grandchild if it suits her.

YANBU. This is so annoying when people use parents for free childcare instead of paying. But I can see that as it's only three days your Mum would be free to travel to you for long weekends. But I agree it does really cut down on any options for longer visits.

Your child will see its grandmother less because you live 2 hours away, not because she does childcare for your sister.

Did they move away from you or you away from them?

If it's the latter then yabu. Of course once your baby arrives it would be nice for your Mum to come down and visit or vice versa but it's hardly your sisters fault that your mother is closer to her therefore more available to be able to see and offer childcare to her DC more.

You are jealous because your mother does the childcare for your sister. Move to the same town, problem solved and equality established. When your parents are elderly, the burden of care will probably fall on the physically closest child. It’s what happened in our family.

I can see the distance is an issue, of course. But my Mum usually stays at my sisters when she looking after my niece anyway, and could at my house in the same way. My Mum would rather split her time more evenly in the future, but my sister says she "needs" my Mum, and "relies" on her for childcare.

Well, I would like to need and rely on her too, and she'd like to help out (again, as I said, not necessarily any formal arrangement unless she wants to, I'm expecting to pay for childcare).

It irks me when people use grandparents for childcare like this. I'd be annoyed too.

That's a good point November about care. I am a bit jealous actually. I want my Mum's time too. And I don't want it to be reduced because my sister refuses to pay for childcare.

The distance is the issue. It will never be equal when your sister lives 10 mins away

Juddy my Mum doesn't really see the distance as an issue at the moment. She's more than happy to do the travelling.

If she's happy to travel then surely she could bring your niece

I am feeling sorry for your Mum! You and your sister are both focused on what you need from your Mum but what does she want at this stage of her life? She has already brought up children. She may have things she wants to do - much as she loves her grandchild and the grandchild that is to come.

I think your Mum should decide what she wants to do and how she spends any free time she has

It does seem unfair, especially if your mum is retired, fit to travel and this is the only reason she won’t be able to come and spend time
with you. Have you spoken to your sister about it and pointed out what you have said in your op about earning similar amounts, but she gets free childcare etc?

When your niece turns 3 she will get 30h funded childcare. Maybe your mum can reduce her commitment then?

Maybe the Mum can have time to herself instead

I think both of you are being very unfair to your Mum. Has anyone actually asked her what she wants? Or is it all about you and your sister.
Grandparents as free childcare is ridiculous, and really selfish to boot.

It’s very odd that you expect your mum to travel four hours a day so you don’t have to be jealous of her childcare arrangement with your sister.

And anyway, your sister works three days a week, so if you insist on an even split, she can see you the other four days?

I'm with Luna, this is very much about what you'd like from your mum. She currently minds one child who lives ten minutes away, three days a week. Presumably she decided this suits her but it doesn't follow that she should now split her time among you both, with one of you living a couple of hours away, out of some odd idea of "fairness". Surely living such a distance away you didn't expect her to be able to spend anything like the same amount of time with both GC?

Sorry, I think I've confused this a bit, probably because I'm fed up about it.

I'm not expecting my Mum to do my childcare, for all the reasons people have said above. I'd like to spend some time with her and my baby of course. She said she is going to find this difficult because of looking after my niece, and her other committments/rest of her life of course, nothing regular but general stuff.

My point is I guess, is my sister BU to expect this childcare from my Mum? That's really my issue.

My point is I guess, is my sister BU to expect this childcare from my Mum? That's really my issue

You’re both BU to make it all about what suits you and not about what your mum wants!

No, she’s not U to ask for childcare from your mum. Your mum has agreed. That’s not your sister’s fault.

As for visiting you well, I think you’re expecting too much. And it’s coming from pure jealousy.

You can visit her, she can visit you. Your niece can surely be there for both?

Glad to hear the poor woman is actually allowed to have a life!

I think you are both extremely selfish.

Your sister has her 3 days a week. You want her for weekends. Thats 5 days. Add in the travelling, that is her week gone dealing with grandchildren.

She has raised her children, perhaps she'd like more out of retirement than this.

Your sister sounds the biggest piss taker though but if your mum is unwilling to say no, that's her problem.